Shot in the Dark

Tag: Open Letters

  • Counterpunch This

    To:  Donald Trump From:  Mitch Berg, Ornery Peasant Re:   Doyyy Mr. Trump, I started disliking your public persona thirty years ago.   While I’m told you are a perfectly fine human being in person, your public persona – the garish extravagant gaudiness, the constant noise – was always off-putting. Still is. Now, this time…

  • Rumor Mill

    To: Betsy Hodges, mayor, Minneapolis. From: Mitch Berg, ornery peasant Re: Rumors Mayor Hodges, Over the weekend, the rumor mill announced that you had told a gathering somewhere in Minneapolis you were planning on holding a “gun buyback”. Please, please please please please please, oh please, please please please please please, I beg of you;…

  • I’ll Bet All You Sanders Supporters Feel Berned Now

    To:  Bernie Sanders supporters From: Mitch Berg – Uppity Peasant Re:  Feeling Stupid? All Bernie Sanders endorsing Hillary? Why, isn’t that exactly like endorsing the Wall Street and military-industrial complex he railed against? Yeah.  It totally is. Every last one of you has been had.  Played for fools.  Suckers. That is all.

  • Rick Nolan, Banana Republican

    To:  Everyone in Northern Minnesota From: Mitch Berg, Uppity Peasant Re:  Your Congressional Representative All, Here’s Rick Nolan, your representative from CD8. It was taken this past Wednesday, as he participated in a “sit-in” on the floor of the House, in favor of a bill that would have gutted due process by allowing the government…

  • Top Secret Letter To Jabba The Congresswoman

    To: Rep. Liz Krueger (D-NY) From:  Mitch Berg, Uppity Peasant Re:  Your Plan Rep. Krueger Sssssh.  This is just between you and me. Last week in Congress, you suggested people “infiltrate the NRA”. Brilliant plan.  I found the double-dog secret gateway that leads into the inner sanctum.  Here it is.  Please make sure you share…

  • Open Letter To “Starting a Conversation” With Katie Couric And The Entire News Media

    To:  Katie Couric and the entire American news media From:  Mitch Berg, peasant Re:  Starting a Conversation Ms Couric et al, As we discussed last week, you got busted doing something that, in my day (and yours) would have gotten any young reporter unceremoniously fired; you edited a story specifically to invert the history, record…

  • Open Letter To Sen. Latz, Rep. Schoen, Rep. Norton, Rev. Nord Bence, Jane Kaye, Heather Martens, and Joan Peterson

    To:  The Abovementioned From: Mitch Berg, Mere Peasant Re:  Your signage where your mouths are All, You are the leaders of Minnesota’s gun-grabber movement.  You and your wan little pack of Volvo-driving, alpaca-wearing, NPR-listening, St. Olaf-graduating, ELCA-coiffed followers want to take away Minnesotans’ right and means to defend themselves. Now, crime in Minnesota is very,…

  • Congratulations Are In Order!

    To:  Mike Mullen, City Pages From:  Mitch Berg, Uppity Peasant Re:  Best Wishes Mr. Mullen, As we’re coming up on high school graduation, I can only wish you the best in your future endeavors.  Hopefully your college studies will lead you to an adult life that you find fulfilling and exciting. Reach for the stars. Mitch…

  • Open Letter To Samantha Bee

    To:  Samantha Bee, Overpromoted Woman With LibFluff Show From:  Mitch Berg, Uppity Peasant Re:  Inequity Ms. Bee, It is easier to buy either a gun or get an abortion or register to vote or buy methamphetamine than it is to put a show on cable entitled, say, “Full Frontal With Mitch Bee”.  Because you own that trademark.  It’s  your, um, “intellectual” property.…

  • Come Back, Aaron Rupar: All Is Forgiven

    To:  The City Pages From:  Mitch Berg, Uppity Peasant Re:  You Suck Dear “City Pages”, While you’ve always been a freebie hipster lifestyle ‘zine, you used to have some great writing.  Thirty years ago, you were the home of Lileks and Jim DeRogatis. Twenty years ago, led by Steve Perry,  you had some great journalism…

  • Help Me Out Here

    To:  Colgate From:  Mitch Berg, Uppity Peasant Re:  Your Super Bowl Ad Colgate, So I watched the teaser for your Super Bowl spot: I get it.  There’s big money in appealing to the altruism of the soft-core social justice warrior.  There’s a whole generation of Millennials out there who are impressed by symbols. And I…

  • Dear Democrats

    To: Democrat Party From: Mitch Berg, cantankerous peasant Re: A Heartfelt Request Do you Democrats, Please, please, please, please please please nominate Bernie Sanders for president. He is the only candidate genuinely acceptable to real progressives – and you are real progressive, aren’t you? Just saying – given Senator Sanders keen grasp of the issues,…

  • Open Letter To Councilman Dai Thao

    To:  Councilman Dai Thao From:  Mitch Berg, next year’s “unwelcome” person Re:  Next project? Councilman Thao: In re your proposed resolution barring The Donald for making Muslims feel bad; it looks like you’ve got more work to do. That is all.

  • You Asked For It, John Oliver

    To: John Oliver, this month’s Rachel Maddow From:  Mitch Berg, ND Native Re:  Anger Mr. Oliver, The other night, during your largely erroneous segment on oil in North Dakota, you patronizingly told North Dakotans that they should “get angry”. I was born there, and I’ve spent years watching our self-appointed  “elites” – from Minnesota Public Radio…

  • Fields Of Ire

    To:  The Democrat Party From:  Mitch Berg, Uppity Peasant Re:  Campaign 2016 All, We’re heading toward a presidential election. You’re facing a field with a highly-accomplished woman, two Latinos, a black man, two very accomplished surgeons, two CEOs, a couple of Horatio Alger stories, a former Solicitor-General of the United States (that means “a really,…

  • Dear City Of Saint Paul

    To:  City of Saint Paul From:  Mitch Berg, Uppity Peasant Re:  Protests Dear City, I caught part of the Black Lives Matter protest over the weekend.  Everything turned out OK – partly due to BLM’s leadership’s abrupt change in tone, from “we’ll meet resistance with resistance” to Saturday morning’s “de-escalation training”, and partly due to…

  • To Mr. Chunk, Wherever And Whoever You May Be

    To: The Piece Of Garbage Throwing Chunks of Cement at Bikers in Minneapolis From:  Just Plain Mitch Berg Re:  Consequences Big Guy With The White Bronco And The Cement Chunks, Just a hint for you before you go throwing any more chunks of cement at bikers; it is – I’m speaking purely hypothetically, here –…

  • Open Letter To Ramco Attorney John Choi

    To: John Choi, Ramco Attorney From:  Mitch Berg, uppity peasant Re: Wrist Slaps Mr. Choi, This week, you charged the three accomplices of Laurentai Broadbent – the Saint Paul teen and apparent gang wannabe – with aggravated robbery, vehicle theft, and discharge of a firearm. The law allows you to charge accomplices in a crime…

  • Austered The Wrong Way

    To: National Public Radio News From: Mitch Berg, uppity peasant Re: Terminology Dear NPR: Over the weekend, while listening to one of your news programs, I caught a story about skilled workers emigrating from Portugal.  Your story announced that the Portuguese economy was “recovering from austerity” Austerity was not the problem. Or, rather, austerity was, at…

  • The Mitch

    To: the Gullible From: Mitch Berg Re:  Trump I will close the borders, and make sure every American company that is illegally employing illegal aliens pays for it. I will also get the economy humming so good, the minimum wage will be irrelevant. And I will do it all on my way to my third…

  • Roland The Brainless Would-Be Gunner

    To: Roland Windsor, Dementee From: Mitch Berg, uppity present Re: Advice Mr. Windsor: You, a former staffer for Jimmy Carter, recently wrote: “Republicans and conservatives are the enemy. They are expendable. They will be targets in the Revolution when it comes” writes Roland Windsor Vincent, in a recent post on his blog, Army Of The…

  • Open Letter To Thom Yorke

    To:  Thom Yorke; Leader, Radiohead From: Mhitch Berge, uppity music buff Re: Marketing Idea Mr. Yorke, While I’ve never been a big fan of Radiohead’s music, I’ve always enjoyed your marketing innovations. You were the first major artist to put all your music online.  You were the first to try a “pay us what you want”…

  • Dear Entire Gay Movement

    To:  The Entire Gay Movement: From:  Mitch Berg, Irascible Peasant Re:  The Mote Dear Every Gay In The World, I’m Mitch Berg.  I’m a conservative – but I can’t say as I’ve ever hated gays.  Indeed, I’ve probably done more to fight the overt, physical hatred of gays than most of you have.  And the…

  • Open Letter To Bremer Bank

    To: Bremer Bank From: Mitch Berg, Ornwry Peasant Re: Your Wish Is My Command Dear Bremer, Couldn’t help but notice this photo: It’s one of your banks, apparently newly posted with a sign declaring the bank a safe place for criminals. Oh, I know – what it really says is Bremer Bank doesn’t want people…

  • Dear Barry One

    To: “Barry One” From: Mitch Berg, Justice Warrior Re: Fundraising After pop tart du jour Lena Dunham used her latest book to elaborately but coyly accuse you of raping her while attending liberal cesspool Oberlin College (IDing her “rapist” as a Republican, which is about as subtle at Oberlin as identifying a “choreographer” is in Montana),…