SCENE: Mitch BERG is walking through a leafy, green park in the south suburbs of Chicago.
Turning a corner, he runs into three Chicago-area school administators: Hanna PFLUG-NICHOLS, Nicole PRYMM, and Morghaine EFFENBERGER-BRONKOWSKI-GAIA-BEVINS. They are standing astride the path.
EFFENBERGER-BRONKOWSKI-GAIA-BEVINS: Wait! You are Mitch Berg. You are one of those gun nuts.
BERG: Er, I’m a Second Amendment activist. I may or may not own or carry a firearm…
ALL THREE WOMEN: Aaaaaaaagh!
PRYMM: Don’t say it!
BERG: Say what?
PFLUG-NICHOLS: That word!
PRYMM: The “G” or “F” or “P” word.
ALL THREE WOMEN: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
EFFENBERGER-BRONKOWSKI-GAIA-BEVINS: Why do you hate womynandchyldren?
BERG: Er, I’m sorry – but what brought this on?
PFLUG-NICHOLS: Um – because of the change in what we call “concealed killer” laws, we are being forced to put stickers on our schools.
BERG: You mean like this sticker here?:
ALL THREE WOMEN: Aaaaaaaaagh!
EFFENBERGER-BRONKOWSKI-GAIA-BEVINS: It looks like a Pop-tart!
BERG: Those are stickers that your new concealed carry law requires buildings to have at their entrances if it’s illegal to carry inside.
PFLUG-NICHOLS: It’s disgusting. To have theshapeof a…
ALL THREE WOMEN: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
BERG: Look – Illinois put so many places off-limits to gun owners that it’s only fair that you warn them before they unwittingly become a felon.
PFLUG-NICHOLS: But theyshouldbe felons!
PRYMM: I think they should all be in jail
BERG: Be that as it may, they are two orders of magnitude more law-abiding than the general public, and they generally work pretty hard to stay that way. So why entrap them into a cheap arrest based on a technicality?
EFFENBERGER-BRONKOWSKI-GAIA-BEVINS: Because I hate them.
BERG: It’s a warning sticker.
PFLUG-NICHOLS: But it may cause people to think that since there’s a sticker saying that they can’t bring one into the school now, maybe they could have in the past?
BERG: You honestly expect school children to think that?
PRYMM: We expect what to think that?
EFFENBERGER-BRONKOWSKI-GAIA-BEVINS: Those little pseudo-people that are all over all our buildings.
PRYMM: Huh. Are you sure?
EFFENBERGER-BRONKOWSKI-GAIA-BEVINS: I think so.
BERG: Look – you are less likely to be wrongfully shot by a carry permit holder than you are to be hit by lightning.
PFLUG-NICHOLS: By what?
BERG: As in, 5-6 times as likely to be hit by, er, “goddess farts” as by a law-abiding citizen with a legal firearm (flinches, realizing his mistake)
ALL THREE WOMEN: Aaaaaaaaaagh!
BERG: Sorry….hey, I’m hungry…
(Pulls pop-tart from backpack. Chews it into the shape of a volume of Shakespeare.
PFLUG-NICHOLS: Dead white European male!