SCENE: The office of the Governor of Minnesota. Gathered around a table are:
- Carrie LUCKING, the Executive Director of Alida Messinger’s “Alliance for a Better Minnesota. She is at the head of table.
- Bob HUME, the Governor’s chief of staff, sits at LUCKING’s right.
- Tina FLINT-SMITH, the governor’s other chief of staff, is at LUCKING’s left.
- Yvette PRETTNER-SOLON, the Lieutenant Governor, dozes at far end of the table
- Hannah UNDERLING is standing by.
LUCKING: In the name of Alita the Mother Almighty, I call this meeting to order!
HUME, FLINT-SMITH and UNDERLING: All hail!
LUCKING: So what have you discovered?
HUME: Well, honey… (LUCKING fixes HUME with a withering glare) …er, sir, the Republicans are facing an unruly split in the Libertarian wing of the party.
FLINT-SMITH: We believe they can be wedged.
LUCKING: In the name of Mighty Alita (a speaker blares a thunder sound effect in the background, and UNDERLING flickers the light switch of and on a few times) make it so.
HUME: We’ll pass the governor off as a Libertarian!
FLINT-SMITH: I’ll put Baird Helgeson on it, over at the Strib. Hannah?
UNDERLING: Yes, ma’am?
FLINT-SMITH: Issue an order to the Strib. The Governor is now a libertarian.
UNDERLING: By your leave.
LUCKING: What else?
HUME: We have reason to believe that the GOP is going to make a move for Somali immigrants. They even have a candidate, running against Phyllis Kahn.
LUCKING: We shall make the Governor Muslim. His middle name is Faruq. (Thunder effect, as UNDERLING flickers the lights).
FLINT-SMITH (gets up and walks to and opens the closet door). Mark?
GOVERNOR MARK DAYTON (muffled, from inside closet): Huh?
FLINT-SMITH: You’re Muslim now.
DAYTON: (thinly) OK.
(FLINT-SMITH closes the door)
HUME: The GOP had their convention. They endorsed several candidates, but several are going to the primary.
FLINT-SMITH: AKA “The DFL Way” .
LUCKING: Who are these people?
HUME (pulling out clipboard): The first is the governor candidate, Jeff Johnson.
LUCKING (thinking deeply): We shall issue a press release saying he is Wrong For Minnesota.
FLINT-SMITH: Hannah? Get on it. (UNDERLING takes a note)
HUME: The next one is the Senate candidate, Mike McFadden.
LUCKING (thinking even deeper): We shall issue a press release saying McFadden is…Wrong For Minnesota.
(UNDERLING takes a note)
HUME: Dan Severson is running for Secretary of State.
LUCKING (deep in thought): I think that we need to tell Minnesotans that Severson is…
(silence. HUME and FLINT-SMITH wait with bated breath, as UNDERLING scribbles on her notepad and PRETTNER-SOLON snores lightly)
LUCKING: Severson is Wrong For Minnesota. (nods her head as the others jot notes).
UNDERLING: How about Arne Carlson?
LUCKING: Arne Carlson is…Wrong for Minnesota as well.
UNDERLING: He’s not actually on the ballot.
LUCKING (looks confused for a moment. Then focuses on UNDERLING): You are Wrong for Minnesota.
HUME: I brought brownies.
FLINT-SMITH (taking a brownie, takes a bite. Grimaces): Um…did you use salt, or sugar?
HUME: Dammit. Not again…
LUCKING: The brownies are Wrong For Minnesota.
HUME: Oh, by the way, Carrie? I couldn’t get reservations at Crave tonight.
LUCKING: That’s Wrong for Minnesota!