SCENE: Mitch’s kids Bun and Zam are coming home from a day at school.
MITCH (props glasses up on bridge of nose as he reads newspaper at the kitchen table): “How was school?”
BUN: “We learned a lot of stuff today…but…”
MITCH (Looks up): “But…?”
ZAM: “Well, it’s our teacher, Ms. Marty. Some of the stuff she’s teaching us…”
MITCH: “Like what?”
BUN: “Well, for instance…[digs out paper from backpack]…in Literature this morning she taught us that Elizabeth Barrett Browning was the greatest poet of the British Romantic period….”
MITCH: “Well, she was rather prominent…”
BUN: “No, Dad – she said “Byron and Shelley were Browning’s beeyotches“.
MITCH (nonplussed): “Hmmmm…well…”
ZAM: “And she told me that Lord of the Rings was a story Tolkein stole from a collective of Bolivian coffee plantation serfs”
MITCH (Wrinkling brow): “Well, that’s just…”
BUN: “And then in history, she told us that Thomas Jefferson cribbed the entire Declaration of Independence from a female slave’s knitted scarf, and that ‘womyn’ not only planned D-Day, but did all the fighting”.
MITCH: “Er…”
ZAM: “And then in phy ed, she told us that Billie Jean King was the real quarterback of the ’72 Cowboys, and that Roger Staubach was just a fabulist patriarchal conspiracy”
MITCH (takes deep breath): “OK, kids. You know how I’ve explained to you that there are two types of feminists; real feminists, who believe that the goal is to make sure that all opportunities are open to women…”
BUN AND ZAM: “Like you”
MITCH: “Right. And then the other kind, the kind that believes in making up some phony fantabulist history to give ‘womyn’ some kind of phony ‘self-esteem’ boost.
ZAM: “So that makes Ms. Marty…”
BUN: “The other kind?”
MITCH: “Well, I think there’s always a chance for people to change. I mean, even I was a liberal once…”
BUN AND ZAM: “Oh, jeez, here he goes again”.
MITCH (Laughing): “I know, I know…”
ZAM: “OK – then, in journalism class, she told us to write ‘reviews’ of the next season of Scrubs, and a look back at the ’08 Presidential Election”.
MITCH: “But neither of those…has…er, happened yet…”
ZAM: “She says it doesn’t matter!”
BUN: “She also says “Minnesota Monitor” is rigorously independent”.
(Pause).
ALL: “Bwahahahahahahaahahahahahaaaaa!”
MITCH: “OK. Let’s get ready for dinner…”
(And…Scene!)