SCENE: The rotunda at the Minnesota State Capitol. A press conference is underway. Standing at the podium, in front of a “Satanic” display, are three members of the Twin Cities Church of Satan:
- Joshua Micah GUMPKE – a tall, morbidly obese 30-something man with thick, unkempt back hair, and a black neckbeard. His arms are covered with “sleeves” of occult-looking tattoos. He wears a black occult-themed T-shirt, stained with cheeto dust, fresh and otherwise.
- Eva BACHMANN-DUMPF – a morbidly obese twenty-something woman with long straight blond hair. She is wearing a different black occult-themed t-shirt, and sports a small pentagram tattooed under her left ear.
- Edmund POCKERT – A short, wiry man with a fringe of white hair snaking around the back of his head to meet his white beard. He wears a visibly worn suit.
A smattering of reporters are gathered.
POCKERT: I’m Edmund Pockert, the legal counsel for the Twin Cities Church of Satan.
GUMPKE AND BACHMANN-DUMPF: (awkwardly, loudly) Hail Satan!
POCKERT: Mr. J-Talon666 and Ms. QueenOfTheDark will now answer questions.
CHANNEL 11: Mr. and Ms. What?
POCKERT: Those are the names our representatives go by.
CHANNEL 9: So what’s going on with this display?
GUMPKE: This display is ack-shu-ally our way of striking a blow for religious pluralism.
BACHMANN-DUMPF: We love to notice the hypocrisy of Christians who melt down when other people exercise religious freedom.
MPR NEWS: When you say “melt down”…?
BACHMANN-DUMPF: Christians always have a cow and melt down when we assert our rights.
POCKERT: Always.
ALPHA NEWS: So, how do you respond to allegations that the “church of Satan” is less about religious freedom and more about getting a juvenile rise out of mainstream Christians.
BACHMANN-DUMPF: Well, it is their own fault. They always have a cow and melt down and freak out go into emotional tailspin and get loud and crazy and deranged and lose their shi…
GUMPKE: They are very predictable.
CENTER OF THE AMERICAN EXPERIMENT: So a local blogger and talk host left this satirical response to your display:
(GUMPKE and BACHMANN-DUMPF stand, gobsmacked and confused, for a moment. )
GUMPKE: (finally breaking the silence) Well, this is typical. A Christian freaking out…
CHANNEL 4: This doesn’t appear to be – what was your term – “freaking out”.
ALPHA NEWS: Yeah, more like “satire” or “parody”, speaking to the notion that “Satanism” exist just to try to mock and ridicule regular Christians.
BACHMANN-DUMPF: Is this even legal? Can they do that?
POCKERT: (nods silently)
GUMPKE: It’s our view that this just contributes to the climate of hate against Satanists…
PIONEER PRESS: But it’s just mockery – not a whole lot different than this display, itself
POCKERT: OK, this converence is over.
(The three shuffle away from the podium).
And SCENE