A Tale Of Two Knees

SCENE:  Mitch BERG walks into Sluggo’s, a sports bar on University [1].  NFL games are on on six big-screen TVs around the room.  Around five, there are small, dilatory groups watching games.  Around one TV, though, there are a group of people crowded around; men in “Che Guevara” and “Don’t Park the Bus” t-shirts, a few younger women in similar attire, older women in “peasant” dresses.   BERG recognizes several people from the group:  Avery LIBRELLE, Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK, Inge CARROLL, Edmund DUCHEY, Brian FURIOUS, Sol GALLIVAN, Gutterball GARY, Cat SCAT, Professor William KRIEPPI, Gretel STROMBERG, Betty Rae TORSTENGAARDSEN and other liberal activism / alt-media / blogging mainstays.

BERG:  So…uh, hey.  Watching some Football?

LIBRELLE:  Yes, Merg.  It’s the American pastime!

BERG:  (thinks about it, decides not to pursue the error).  Huh.  So all of…(points at the crowd, who seem to be staring, uncomprehending, at the screen)…you are football fans.

DUCHEY:  My whole life.  While you’ve been writing “Sh*t in the Park” (some of the other gathered liberals snicker) I’ve been watching the Vikings greats like Pele and Bill Havlicek.

BERG:  Huh.

(BERG looks, notices that the teams have not yet taken the field.  Suddenly, it dawns on him).

BERG:  So – you all remember Tim Tebow, right?

(General incomprehension breaks out.  Then Gutterball GARY chimes in).

GARY:  He is the Christianist who took a knee before games.

(General hissssssssssssing breaks out from the crowd)

CARROLL:  He hates women!

STROMBERG (sotto voce):  “womenandtheirchildren”

CARROLL:  (sotto voce right back)  What, ,you think women are defined by their children?

SCAT:  He was a racist, sexist, ableist, ageist, classist, Christianist… (trails off)

(CARROLL and STROMBERG continue to argue.  On the TV, the teams are coming out onto the field)

BERG:  So – Tim Tebow was all sorts of awful things because he exercised his First Amendment right to express his faith in public.

(Generalized booing and hissing).

FURIOUS:  Everybody shut up.  It’s starting.

SCAT:   Oooh, I love the suspense.

(The national anthem starts.  The camera pans over dozens of player taking knees.   FURIOUS and DUCHEY frantically note the names and numbers of players that remain standing.   Cheers break out throughout the crowd)

BERG:  So – NFL players  who take a knee over “social justice causes”…

TORSTENGAARDSEN:  Heroes speaking truth to power.

BERG:  While Tim Tebow…

BIRKENSTOCK:  Racist sexist classist ableist cisgenderist Nazi who is literally Hitler.

(Anthem finishes.  The entire crowd risers from their chairs and heads for the exits)

DUCHEY (to GARY) Good game.  Good game.

(Within seconds, the table is empty.   The WAITRESS comes over.)

WAITRESS:  35  people at a table, and I got six dollars in tips.

BERG:  Wow.  They stiffed you pretty bad.

WAITRESS:  Well, technically, kind of – they ordered about $100 worth of kombucha, artisanal tea and one “gluten free lite beer”, and the rest just had water.

BERG:  You don’t even have kombucha or artisanal tea here, do you?

WAITRESS:  I can’t hear you. Naaah naaah naaaah.  (Walks away)

(And SCENE)

Continue reading

It’s Time To Get Serious

I’m glad I stopped caring about politics.

Think of it: I was spared writing about the last legislative election, an event so vacuous it made reality TV seem interesting. If there was any serious discussion of an important national issue — the state economy, the level of control outside lobbying groups have over both parties but especially the DFL, the fact that the “Stadium Deal” is built on sand, Minnesota’s deteriorating education system, the impact of Governor Messinger’s Dayton’s tax plan outstate, the ongoing embarassment is Gopher football — I missed it.

Instead, we got a campaign of misrepresentations, exaggerations and outright lies. The DFL were by far the worst offenders, but the GOP field didn’t distinguish themselves either.

But hey, that’s Minnesota politics.

But then the fortieth anniversary ofRoe V. Wade happened.  A sudden societal change in focus from eternal truths to personal convenience and a razor-thin definition of gender rights ended up in the massacre of tens of millions of humans whose only crime was not being able to pay taxes yet.

And the very air changed. Winter – the most wonderful time of the year – suddenly turned somber. You looked at the small children around you differently, like you look at Auschwitz survivors; miracles who somehow evaded a bloody gauntlet.

Obama struck that note in his moving speech at the Newtown memorial service, for another, much smaller group of child victims who at least got to live outside the womb for a little bit. Speaking for us all, he said: “We can’t tolerate this anymore. These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change.”

Nice words, but somehow not enough. Not nearly enough.

That’s when I figured I should write a blog post about it. During my 11-year career, every time some demented soul would defend the Democrats’ civil sacrament of Infanticide, I’d get up on my soap box and let loose with a withering diatribe about abortion, the National Organization of Womyn and weak-kneed feminist-lobby-upsucking politicians. Did it about 130 times, give or take.

And in every case the main effect was – nothing.  Certainly not the outcome I’d hoped for.

Still, I thought I’d give it one more stab … er, chance.

Obama’s speech – which some saw as unrelated, but dead children are dead children are dead children, baby – was fine as far as it went, but it didn’t go very far. Neither have any of the other responses I’ve heard.

South Dakota state senator Mike Rounds introduced a bill to institute a waiting period in SoDak for abortions.   Great, but the bill wouldn’t directly prevent abortions, or exact any vengeance for the tens of millions already murdered.

Tens of millions!

The thing missing from the Abortion debate so far is anger — anger that we live in a society where tens of millions of little human beings, each of no less moral weight than any of you reading this blog, can disappear into the Nacht und Nebel and all politicians are worried about is offending our society’s Sandra Flukes.

That’s obscene. Here, then, is my “madder-than-hell-and-I’m-not-going-to-take-it-anymore” program for ending abortion in America:

  • Repeal Roe V. Wade and all law based upon it. Roe is badly written and just plain bad law, and more trouble than it’s worth. It offers an absolute right to abortion, but does it in by digging up eminating penumbras, which is an absurd extension of civil rights.  We haven’t had a convention to find all the other emanating penumbras.  And surely our founding fathers, whatever they were emanating, didn’t picture the eugenics industry we have in this country today.  Abortion should be an emergency treatment, not a right.
  • Declare Planned Parenthood a terrorist organization and make membership illegal. Hey! We did it to the Communist Party, and PP has killed as many people as Stalin did.  (I would also raze the organization’s headquarters, clear the rubble and salt the earth, but that’s optional). Make abortion a felony. If some people refused to stop performing them, performing a 150th-trimester one on them, using the same tools they use to scrape “fetuses” out of uteri works for me.
  • Then I would tie Terry O’Neill of the NOW and  and Cecile Richards of Planned Parenthood to the back of a morgue van and drag them around a parking lot until they saw the light on abortion.

And if that didn’t work, I’d adopt radical measures. None of that is going to happen, of course. But I’ll bet abortion will drop.

Continue reading