Joe Doakes from Como Park emails:
Santa Clause: “Thanks for coming, Larry. I understand you’re not happy being an ordinary elf, making toys and wiggling your ears and saying “hee hee” and “ho ho” and stuff like that. Is it true?”
Larry the Elf: “Oh, no, Santa. I love making toys and singing in the elf choir.”
Santa: “Larry, this is me. Santa. I know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. Straight up, Larry, are you happy in your work?”
Larry: “Okay, yeah, it’s true. I’m tired of manual labor and I hate singing.”
Santa: “So what would you like to do, instead?”
Larry: “Well, Hermie got transferred to the dental clinic.”
Santa: “You want to be a dentist?”
Larry: “No, I want to be an accountant.”
Santa: “It’s worse than I thought. Okay, tell you what. I’m creating a new position for “Regulatory Compliance Officer.” It’s a big responsibility but I’m sure you can handle it. Want to give it a try?”
Larry: “Would I? Oh, thank you, Santa, it’s Christmas come early for me. I won’t let you down.”
Three weeks later . . .
Larry: “Thanks for seeing me, Santa. I have a few things that need your decision.”
Santa: “Sure thing, Larry, fire away.”
Larry: “First off, I have letters from Norway, Greenland, Russia, and United States, all claiming jurisdiction over the North Pole and asserting we owe delinquent taxes. How should I respond?”
Santa: “Tell them to pound snow.”
Larry: “Our no-fault insurer wants to know if you use your sleigh in business and how many miles per year.
Santa: “Refer them to Clement Moore, he documents all my travel arrangements.”
Larry: “The INS denied your application for a one-night visit. Without a visa, we’ll have to cancel Christmas in America. What are you going to do?”
Santa: “I aim to misbehave.”
Larry: “Santa, I’ve got another hour’s worth of issues from liability waivers for walking on slippery roofs, to appeals from naughty children who didn’t get toys, to those animal-rights activists with the “Free Rudolph” signs. But I’m getting the impression that you don’t care about complying with regulations. So what’s the point of my job?”
Santa: “You see, Larry . . . .”
Choose your own story. What’s Santa’s reply?