SCENE: A freeway overpass relatively close to the Ohio/Pennsylvania border.
A man – Kevin LIFF – clad in a clearly home-made general’s field-dress uniform, stands on the roof of a humvee, overlooking an immense battlefield, dotted with smoking wrecks and and ragged groups of corpses. Whiffs of smoke scud across the landscape, and the faint cries of the wounded are drowned out by the sound of a column of Ford F150s, loaded to the gills with gun-toting militiamen, driving eastward.
Colonel Terrence RIST walks up to the humvee, trailed by radio operator with a backpack radio set.
RIST: Reverend Field Marshal?
LIFF: Yes, brother Colonel?
RIST: The infidels have been scattered. Our scouts say the road is clear all the way to Harrisburg.
LIFF: Excellent. Has the matter of Kansas City been settled?
RIST: The infidel Lutherans and Catholics have felt our wrath.
LIFF: Excellent. And the Infidel Army?
RIST: They appear to be gathering in Maryland for a last stand.
LIFF: All right. We’ll see to them in a moment. It’s time to get our insidious plan that we’ve had all along underway. Abolish abortion, and torch all Planned Parenthoods.
RIST: Yes sir.
LIFF: Force all gay photographers to shoot straight weddings. Require all Americans to own guns. Abolish the income tax. Roll back Title IX. Ship the ELCA, NPR fans and members of the ACLU to camps in Idaho.
RIST: As you command, brother Field Marshall.
(RIST snaps off a salute and walks away).
LIFF: (Turns to his aide, Captain Ry Twing). I can’t believe that we pulled this off, quite frankly, Captain.
LIFF: All these years, we managed to get the Muslims to draw attention away from our preparations. Only a few managed to see it. And now, we stand on the brink of complete victory, and exterminating all opposition.
TWING: Praise God, sir!
(The men go back to planning the next military move)