SCENE: Mitch BERG is shopping in the dairy aisle at Target in Roseville.
Suddenly, Avery LIBRELLE rounds the corner. With LIBRELLE is Ashley FIGG, a young woman of apparently mixed but minority-ish ethnicity.
LIBRELLE: Merg! It’s time for you to admit your privilege!
BERG: OK. I was born into an intact family who made sure I stayed in school, kept my pants zipped until I could support a family, and ensured I grew up knowing that actions had consequences.
LIBRELLE: No, no, no. You’re white! I want to introduce you to Ashley Figg. She is a student at Macalester College.
BERG: Ms. Figg.
(FIGG glowers at BERG)
LIBRELLE: We’re going to have a debate!
BERG: A debate?
LIBRELLE: Yes. First, Ms. Figg.
BERG: …I”m not really…
FIGG: You are white. You have privilege.
LIBRELLE: Your turn, Merg.
BERG: Um, OK. Ms. Figg, what is it you would have us do about this “privilege” you talk about.
FIGG: The fact that you even ask is racist.
BERG: Um, how do you figure?
FIGG: That’s racist, too.
BERG: Seeking clarity in the discussion is “racist?”
FIGG: You’re using your power over me. That’s racist.
BERG: That’s just bizarre.
FIGG: F**k you. I hate you. I hope you die.
BERG: (Turns to LIBRELLE): Er, Avery? What’s the…
LIBRELLE: We should stop the debate…
BERG: …um, yeah?
LIBRELLE: Because clearly, Merg, you are racist.
BERG: What, now? I never mentioned race.
LIBRELLE: You were using your power, being a racist. Being a racist, race is endemic in everything you say, and do, and don’t say, and don’t do. Right, Ashley?
BERG: Lavrentiy Beria called. He said “dial back the kangaroo”.
LIBRELLE: And now you’re mansplaining.
BERG: (Looks beyond FIGG and LIBRELLE). Hey, look – it’s Hillary Clinton! And she’s giving out suckers!
(LIBRELLE and FIGG wheel around, as BERG slips away)
(LIghts fade up in screening room. BERG is sitting in the middle of the room. A few rows behind, covered in popcorn debris and spilled soda, are Edmund DUCHEY and CAT SCAT, bloggers with “MinnesotaLiberalAlliance.Blogspot.com” a possibly fictional Minnesota liberal blog. )
(DUCHEY leaps to his feet, scattering popcorn debris in all directions)
DUCHEY: Merg! Unless you can prove every word in that film short was true, you’re a liar!. (Pauses to wipe drool from his chin).
BERG: It’s satire. It’s meant to illustrate larger truths through a caricature of people and events. In this case, that the left’s social justice warrior class has become simultaneously obsessed with virtue-signaling, McCarthyistic witch-hunting and public shaming of dissenters, while simultaneously becoming less able to state a coherent case.
SCAT: The fact is, the law says you have to have a degree in satire from an Ivy League school to practice it!
BERG: You’re making that up.
DUCHEY: So you’re saying it never happened? Hah!
BERG: Actually, of the dozens and dozens of these “dramatization” scenarios I’ve written in recent years, this one may be the least fictional of all.
DEUS (EX MACHINA, via thunderstorm). You’re kidding?
(Urine stain appears on DUCHEY’s pants)
BERG: (Looking upward) Nope. It pretty much happened.
DEUS EX MACHINA: Wow.