(SCENE: A small aircraft is flying over the prairie. Inside the plane are:
- Carpal POX: a golf pro from Wayzata, and Vice Chair for Ideological Purity at the Minnesota 5th CD Libertarian Party
- Viktor VON-SCHLIEFFENBERG-MOLTKE: a professional fraternity organizer, and Vice Chair for Education at the 5th CD Libertarian Party
- Stephanie Marie ANNAN: Community Organizer for the Minnesota 5th CD Libertarian party.
- Mitch BERG: Guy, travelling space-available
- Buck SAVAGE: The pilot.
Suddenly, the right engine bursts into flames. The plane begins to vibrate and starts to swerve to the right)
SAVAGE: Crap! Everybody grab a parachute! We’ve gotta bail out!
VON-SCHLIEFFENBERG-MOLTKE: Oh, dude! Is this like one of those jokes, where the Pope, Hitler and Kim Kardashian are in a plane and there’s only two parachutes?
SAVAGE: No, there’s five. Hurry up and put one on…
ANNAN: …or what? The (makes scare quotes in the air) “plane” will “crash” and “kill” us “all”? How do we know this?
BERG: Um, yeah – I’ll take a ‘chute. Thanks.
POX: Wait – I think there’s a third option. Or maybe several third options.
VON-SCHLIEFFENBERG-MOLTKE: That means like third through maybe millionth options, you douche!
POX: Let’s think about this. Who’s to say there’s any absolutes, here?
BERG: (Frantically donning parachute) I’d say “the plane is crashing” is pretty absolute.
ANNAN: That’s assuming the parachutes work. I’ve read that they don’t always work. Sometimes they actually cause accidents.
SAVAGE: Look, ma’am, pretty soon the fire in the engine is going to melt the wing spar, and the wing is going to fall off and the plane will go into an uncontrollable spin, and the centrifugal force will pin you to the wall of the plane so hard you won’t be able to move.
ANNAN: Oh, don’t even get me started on the melting point of steel.
BERG: The wing spar is aluminum, isn’t it, Mr. Savage?
POX: Look, the point is that this is a fine time to brainstorm for more, better options than the ones our authority figure – no disrespect intended…
SAVAGE: (Handle on the hatch handle) None taken.
POX: …tells us. Because the biggest problem with the human mind is that we allow authority figures to shackle our imagines, and the bounds of logic to dictate the parameters of the possible. What other options are there besides “flaming death” and “parachute?”
BERG: “Dying while engaging in navel-gazing magical thinking?”
POX: Not quite in the spirit intended, but there are no bad ideas here…
VON-SCHLIEFFENBERG-MOLTKE: Dude, I reject the premise that there’s any difference between the two. Choosing one or the other merely perpetuates a binary system. I’m not going to pick either one.
SAVAGE: Well, yeah – you will pick one. Or more to the point, it’ll pick you.
VON-SCHLIEFFENBERG-MOLTKE: Don’t tase me, bro.
POX: Benghazi! Benghazi!
(ANNAN and VON SCHLIEFFENBERG-MOLTKE giggle)
ANNAN: I’m done talking with people who think in terms of “life” or “death” as absolutes.
BERG: Well, that’s a perfectly fine metaphysical and theological point, but crashing in the plane sort of moots the discussion.
ANNAN: That does it. I’m shunning you.
POX: OK. Fourth option; we concentrate real hard and levitate the plane? Again, no bad ideas, here. Any more?
BERG: So I pull this ring here?
SAVAGE: After we’re out of the plane.
POX: Some people just can’t be cured.
ANNAN: There is no difference between the disease and the cure.
VON-SCHLIEFFENBERG-MOLTKE: I’m totally posting this to Facebook.
(BERG and SAVAGE jump, count to three, and pull the rip cords, as the plane, engine ablaze, sails into the distance).
ANNAN (in the distance): Bunch of ‘chutists.
VON-SCHLIEFFENBERG-MOLTKE and POX: ‘Chutists! ‘Chutists!