To:  Would-be YouTube “Stars”

From: Mitch Berg

Re:  Your Activities

To whom it may concern:

You know who you are.  You make videos of yourselves sitting on the toilet chanting “I’m Sittin’ On Da Toilet”.  You have your roommates post videos of you, slobbering drunk, chanting “Hhhope ‘enn chanzhe” over and over. You scream yourself into incontinence over how “we” are treating Britney and importune us to “leave her alone”.

You are hereby directed to destroy your cameras and report to the nearest bar full of longshoremen for a long-overdue beating.

That is all.

So let’s strike! ….because there’s no one else that can drive a bus or a car on tracks.

[Curly Stooge] Ironic, aint it? [end Curly Stooge]

[Pennsylvania’s Democratic Governor Edward] Rendell and [U.S. Rep. Robert Brady, D-Pa.] had announced a tentative agreement late Friday, but it fell apart Saturday over the union’s call for an independent audit of the pension fund and assurance that members would not be affected if the company’s costs increased with possible passage of a national health reform plan. [in other words they want the same deal as Congress!-JR]

So, let me get this straight. Union workers in Pennsylvania are fearful that national health care “reform”, brought to to us by the gerbils they almost assuredly voted for, could cost them their pension? So they strike…the week unemployment tops ten per cent?

The stupid is so thick you can taste it.

I couldn’t wait until Friday for “Hot Gear Friday.”

Police Auctioning Off Motorized La-Z-Boy Used in DWI

If you’ve ever had the urge to cruise your neighborhood in a self-propelled La-Z-Boy, your opportunity has arrived. Minnesota resident Dennis Anderson (no relation to the Gravedigger monster truck franchise – we think) has forfeited his notorious motorized, and over-the-top modified, recliner chair involved in his DWI incident and crash recently is going on the eBay auction block later this week.

The damn thing has headlights (and nitrous)!

By now everyone has heard the sound bite from Flight 188’s First Officer Cole:

The first officer of the Northwest Airlines jet that missed its destination by 150 miles says there was no fight in the cockpit, neither he nor the captain had fallen asleep and the passengers were never in any danger.

But in an interview with The Associated Press two days after he and a colleague blew past their destination as air traffic controlled tried frantically to reach them, pilot Richard Cole would not say just what it was that led to them to forget to land Flight 188.

So just what was it?

A Northwest Airbus A320 flying from San Diego overshot its Twin Cities destination by about 150 miles on Wednesday, apparently when the crew became distracted, the National Transportation Safety Board said today.

(Passengers aboard the airliner were unaware – having grown accustomed to flight delays.-JR)

Hey, I’ve missed an exit before…what’s the big deal?

Apparently they were not texting:

The Federal Administration (FAA) said the FBI and airport police interviewed the crew, who said they “were in a heated discussion over airline policy and they lost situational awareness.” The NTSB is scheduling an interview with the crew.

…you think they will pull that cockpit audio tape?

The cockpit voice recorder and flight data recorder are being sent to the NTSB laboratory in Washington, D.C.

Oh yeah.

Does being an Ivy-Leaguer endow one with an intellectual reach that exceeds one’s grasp?

Case in point, the storied chaps at Harvard bet their billions that they were smarter than the market: Wrong

Harvard University’s failed bet that interest rates would rise cost the world’s richest school at least $500 million in payments to escape derivatives that backfired.

Further, Barack Obama bet that his Harvard-acquired education and billions in taxpayer dollars “invested” under the guise of economic stimulus would be enough to lead a nation and create millions of new jobs: Unsurprisingly, wrong.

Data published Thursday showed contracts from the $787 billion economic stimulus created or saved 30,083 jobs…

And finally the highly respected Harvard graduate Matt Birk, who many thought would finish his NFL career with the Minnesota Vikings, left in favor of a substantially similar offer from the Baltimore Ravens earlier this year. Birk ostensibly bet his chances of winning the Super Bowl would be greater in Baltimore: Surprisingly, wrong.

MINNEAPOLIS – As Steve Hauschka’s potential game-winning kick sailed wide left, nearly all of the Ravens on the sideline dropped their heads in unison, feeling another last-minute punch in the gut in a season that continues to veer off course.

It just goes to show a Harvard education is no guarantee of success. In the now legendary words of Forest Gump’s momma: “stupid is as stupid does.”

Six-year-old Cub scout brings scout knife/fork/spoon doodad to school…

Six-year-old Zachary Christie was so excited to become a Cub Scout that he brought his camping utensil to school. The tool serves as a spoon, a fork and a knife, and Zachary wanted to use it at lunch.

…and gets treated as a terrorist (emphasis added).

What Zachary didn’t know was that the gizmo violated his school’s zero-tolerance policy on weapons. And now the Christina School District in Newark, Del., has suspended the first grader and ordered him to attend the district’s reform school for 45 days.

I’ve been through this sort of self-lobotomized administrative cretinism myself.
Question:  How many intelligence and ethics tests does one have to flunk to be a school administrator these days?

Adolph Hitler was a vegetarian.  He eschewed (yuk yuk) meat as a matter of principle.  Most American vegetarians are Democrats. 

The Democratic Party shares a trait with Hitler. 

Adolph Hitler loved dogs.  He couldn’t bear the thought of harm coming to one of man’s beste freunde.  Barack Obama famously owns a dog, a puppy, the selection fo whom was his major accomplishment in his first three months in office. 

Barack Obama, therefore, has something in common with history’s greatest mass murderer.

Stupid?  Well, yeah.  And tongue in cheek.

Unlike this bit of hilarity:

A top Democratic National Committee official reacted furiously to a statement from Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele mocking — and describing as “unfortunate” — President Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize.

“The Republican Party has thrown in its lot with the terrorists – the Taliban and Hamas this morning – in criticizing the President for receiving the Nobel Peace prize,” DNC communications director Brad Woodhouse told POLITICO. “Republicans cheered when America failed to land the Olympics and now they are criticizing the President of the United States for receiving the Nobel Peace prize – an award he did not seek but that is nonetheless an honor in which every American can take great pride – unless of course you are the Republican Party.“The 2009 version of the Republican Party has no boundaries, has no shame and has proved that they will put politics above patriotism at every turn. It’s no wonder only 20 percent of Americans admit to being Republicans anymore – it’s an embarrassing label to claim,” Woodhouse said.

Ted Kaczynski, the “Unibomber”, lived in a house, high in the Rockies.  It was made of wood.  Brad Woodhouse’s name involves Wood and Houses.

Brad Woodhouse has something in common with one of America’s great domestic terrorists.

When did you stop blowing people up, Brad Woodhouse?

Hey boys and girls! Sometimes comedians can say the funniest things!

Please read the following quote; another example of an entertainer confusing his or her entertainment value with political relevance; Garrison Keilor:

“Thirty-two percent of the population identifies with the GOP, and if we cut off health care to them, we could probably pay off the deficit in short order.”

Now, tell us what’s wrong with that quote (economics majors: shhhhh.)

But not to worry – it’s safe for work.

To: Jimmy Carter

Of course, had I known thirty years ago that you were not only an incompetent idiot, but…

Former President Jimmy Carter said Tuesday that U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson’s outburst to President Barack Obama during a speech to Congress last week was an act “based on racism” and rooted in fears of a black president.

“I think it’s based on racism,” Carter said in response to an audience question at a town hall held at his presidential center in Atlanta. “There is an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be president.”

…a corrosively stupid person, it would have made the choice all the easier.

That is all.

TRUTHER: “Osama Bin Laden was trained by the CIA; his code name was Tim Osman.  That means he works for the US, and thus 9/11 was an inside job”.

MITCH: “Wow.  It’s all coming together.  Hey – Ho Chi Minh started out as a US ally against the Japanese, too!  That means…the Tet Offensive was an inside job, too!”

I came upon this strikingly worthless project while biking along a trail in Purgatory Park in Minnetonka.

I can just picture a couple beer-o-crats self-congratulating themselves on this idea.

“You know what this crawfish creek needs?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Some goll-dang stairs.”

“Yep!”

“Yeah, plus we’ll create jobs.”

“Well, not actually. We alruddy werk for the govment.”

“It’ll take a few hours to put in the stairs, but we can leave one o’ them stimuless signs up for weeks and weeks!”

And it did, and they have.

“Kathy”, in a komment on Jeff Rosenberg’s bit on Bachmann’s “wrist” remark over on MNPublius:

Not only should Michele Bachmann supporters slit their wrists in solidarity with this crazy loon, they might as well slit their throats as well.

The scary part?  “Kathy’s” vote counts the same as a smart, functional person’s does.

The scarier part?  I have yet to see a single leftyblogger oppose the murder of conservatives.

(Oh, I’m being tongue in cheek.  I just don’t think most of those people are).

I try – oh, Lord, I try – to be civil.  To exercise the better me.  To disagree without being disagreeable.  I try to let the better me shine through as much as I can. I truly do.

But when the subject is The Minnesota Tragedy of Spyrchaetal Paresis “Progressive” Project, it’s truly difficult.  Because the MToSPPP writers whose entire oeuvre isn’t dim-witted lying or disingeuous babble…

…are just so very, very, very, very dumb.  A writer called “Mark My Words” wrote this piece, about a bit of anti-gay graffiti in Washington County:

Imagine getting up in the morning, grabbing your coffee thermos and heading for the garage ready for work.  You hit the door-opener, and you back your sedan out and mindlessly hit the clicker to close the garage-door.  And while you’re in reverse, aiming your trunk-lid into traffic on your country-lane, you realize that this has been spray-painted in giant-sized green letter across 13 feet on the front of your house:

 

HIV AIDS gay help

Right?!  

Welcome to Ross Sveback’s world.

I’d say “read the whole thing”, but I’m not sure if your next of kin might not sue me for endangering your sanity.

No, it’s not the piece itself, which is a fairly rote recitation of the facts of a case the WashCo Sheriff is looking into.

No.  It’s the title.  “Homophobic Vandalism hits in Bachmann Country“.

Not one word connecting the vandalism (which, incidentally, I condemn) to Minnesota’s most conservative representative.

Not one bit of evidence that indicates the graffiti was politically-related at all. 

Bachmann’s opponents are to derangement what Nicole Ritchie is to “vacuous”.

UPDATE: I’m going to recap what commenter Thorley Winston said; the correct response to this crime is to condemn the act of vandalism without qualification. And I do. I hope they catch the little twerp – and I’d suspect Rep. Bachmann does, too.

Just a hunch, but I’m comfortable with it.

Joe Lieberman on Alec Baldwin:

Asked Sunday on CNN’s State of the Union about Baldwin’s recent comments that he might move to Connecticut and mount a challenge to Lieberman because, as Baldwin told Playboy magazine, “I have no use for [Lieberman],”

What a coincidence. Washington has no use for Baldwin.

the Independent senator responded, “You know, make my day.”

Joe Lieberman reminds me of Rick Moranis’ Darth Helmet (mocking Darth Vader) in Spaceballs. The “You know,” preamble really brings shivers.

Clint Eastwood’s pinkie finger could not be reached for comment.

I’ve been grappling with a theological conundrum.  Perhaps you can help me.

Is God so omnipotent that he could invent a phrase so stupid that even Fast Eddie Schultz wouldn’t say it?

Liberal radio talk show host says right-wing talkers and conservatives want to see Obama “get shot.”

I’m a person of faith, but if God’s limits could possibly be tested, this is it.

Because if “Stupid” were a church and a theology, Schultz would be its doctinally-infallible pope.

Is it just me or does it seem like The President might have more pressing issues than shipping his “Perfesser” and the Perfesser’s cop cousin to the White House for a Beer? (Not that Bud Light is actually beer).

Obama, 47, has picked the top-selling beer in the U.S. for his get-together at the White House with Harvard University professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Cambridge, Massachusetts, police Sergeant James Crowley, according to an administration official who asked to remain anonymous. The official wouldn’t say what the guests would be drinking.

…nor did it occur to him that no one gives a rat’s arse.

Political strategists and marketing experts (that’s redundant-JR) called the pick an easy, non-controversial choice for a meeting designed to defuse the tension sparked by the July 16 arrest of Gates by Crowley.

…as opposed to

…which apparently “Works Every Time!”

But the President chose wisely as Bud Light has “Drinkability.”

Ugh.

Meanwhile, Iran is building a nuclear warhead, the Chinese are going to stop buying our paper, and one in ten Americans don’t have a job.

…AND FIFTY (!!!) MILLION (!!!!!!!!) PEOPLE (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) DON’T HAVE HEALTHCARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Dear President Jimbammy,

If you had just kept your mouth shut, and read what I was feeding you, you would not be involved in this pissing match.

Get back to work.

With all undue respect,

T. Elle Prompter

A fifteen-year-old girl is texting while walking along a sidewalk with a friend and falls into an open manhole that workers were just about to cone off (allegedly).

She’s okay. Her parents want to sue. But who is really at fault here?

Now the important questions here are:

1. How did both people miss an open manhole directly in their path?
2. Did the text “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ooof! OMG! Mother.” make it to the other party?”
3. Would cordoning off a manhole with “Men Working” signs and orange cones have stopped an iPhone-thumbing teen any way?
4. Why are street-level utility portals called manholes? Why not personholes?

These are questions for all mankind.

Watch the video and discuss.

In related news: Oprah Spares Two Entire Families from Falling Down a Personhole

Over at Minnesota Tragedy of Spyrochaetal Paresis “Progressive” Project (a group blog that actively solicits defamatory fabrications), Grace Kelly, noted 9/11 truther, thinks  she’s onto something:

One of the strongest differences between progressives and conservations is the reaction to the suggestion of recent movies the Jesus might be just a guy, outstanding by his life and by his teachings. Another variation is that Jesus is the son of God, in the same sense that all humans are children of God.

{{facepalm}}

That’s right, Grace Kelly, 9/11 truther and habitual liar.  Theological debate about the nature, humanity and divinity of Christ started with George McGovern’s nomination.  And it’s purely an American debate.  Why, it’s not as if debates about the nature and divinity of Christ (to say nothing of Mary, the Saints and the Pope) haven’t led the church to divide, fragment, schism, lather rince and repeat for the past 1,600 years or anything.

And I’d very, very, very much like to see you take that “Christ was a guy” bit into a good black southern baptist church sometime.  They might vote “progressive” (I’m puking in my mouth a little as I write that), but you’ll look long and hard for a sympathetic theology, I suspect.

But why?

For progressives, the idea if Jesus might just a guy was interesting and not at all challenging to faith. In fact if Jesus – as an ordinary guy – could do such great things, then it meant that all of us could do more in what we do.

It’s the reverse of that idea – that a divine Christ would threaten their faith – that interests me.  I wonder if some left-leaning Christians don’t chafe at the idea of a 2,000 year old religious figure competing with their current religious icons, Wellstone and Obama?

I think that “power” is the essence of the conservative’s beliefs. So the important essence of believing in Jesus requires the deity power, not how Jesus lived or what Jesus taught.

Which is, indeed, perhaps the most incredibly stupid generalization I’ve ever read about conservatives, ever.

Indeed as I asked questions at “Jesus” stands in conservative gatherings, they did not engage in discussions of key passages of the bible

To be fair to the unnamed “Jesus stand” operators, I’ve met Grace Kelly, and I wouldn’t engage in a serious discussion with her, either.

“Jesus” was a marketing tool, where one simply invoked the name and was saved. The essence of this religion seems to be “what the religion can do for me!” It is not a do-it-yourself kind of religion.

No – correction:  THAT was the most stupid generalization!

But if one has faith, one will eventually find a nugget of truth in even the most (intellectually) desiccated environment:

So what I am seeing is that religion is a projection of what people already believe or want to believe.

Um, yeah.  And so Jesus was just a guy, like Wellstone and Franken and Larry Pogemiller.

Theologians and philosophers will debate the nature of divinity until one day we all find out for ourselves.

But the real question that is beating those theologians and thinkers about the face:  Would a truly loving God really put writing like this in front of His people?

Y’see, when I write:

And let’s be clear: Personal Rapid Transit seems to be a rather pie-in-the-sky proposal that’d crisscross cities with small rails for tiny, taxi-like rail cars whose destinations could be programmed for anywhere on the system, rather than shuttling back and forth on a single line.  It’s utterly un-tested, and it’s the kind of thing that draws all sorts of fawning resolutions at caucus-time demanding government support, and its cost estimates (which are usually about 10% those of light rail lines per rail mile) strike this tech/engineering industry hanger-on as hopelessly pollyannaish.

… and you write a piece asking “Is Mitch Berg A [Personal Rail Transit] Pod Person?”, then the informed, logical reader might well say “Wow.  You, gentle writer, are a vacuous bobblehead”.

Fortunately, your blog has no informed, logical readers, so you should be safe.

But thanks for your patronage – where “patronage” = “the never-ending shooting gallery of ineptitude you present”. 

That is all.

A “progressive” propaganda website that’s spent the past three years shamelessly shilling for DFL politicians, reports not taking any backlash over its indirect ideological ties to the “Holodomor“, or Soviet-induced starvation of seven million Ukrainians in the 1930’s.

“Really, it’s been sixty years since the American left cuddled up to Stalin” reports Chris Steller, spokesbeing for the Minnesoros “Independent”, struggling to dissociate himself and the publication from the forced expropriations of food and destruction of crops and farmland, and mass-relocations of civilians to Siberia, that led to the slow, painful starvation of seven million human beings.  “Hubert Humphrey drove the Stalinists out of the DFL in 1976″, he added, ignoring the fact that he, as a member of the media, shares culpability with Walter Duranty, the New York Times reporter that willfully suppressed details of Stalin’s atrocities.

Stellers also denies any backlash from his publication’s ideological comity with the Minnesota DFL, of which former Symbionese Liberation Army terrorist Kathleen Soliah was a member while hiding out for twenty years in Saint Paul.  Soliah was recently released from prison after serving a sentence for complicity in a murder carried out during a botched bank robbery in the seventies, about which Steller also claims ignorance.

———-

Stupid, right?

Well, at least my bit is fictional.  Chris Steller at the “Independent” gave us the real thing.

An “End the Fed” group that will rally this afternoon outside the Minneapolis Federal Reserve Bank hasn’t felt a backlash since Wednesday’s arrest of James von Brunn in the fatal shooting of a guard at the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. Von Brunn, who mixed anti-Semitism with antipathy for the Federal Reserve, served six years in prison for his 1981 attempt to take Federal Reserve board members captive.

Conservative Web outlets with whom von Brunn consorted quickly moved to dissociate themselves from the 88-year-old white supremacist after Tuesday’s shooting.

Honestly, I try to stay civil.  I try really, really hard to be the conservative that can have a face-to-face debate with the other guys and not troll through the gutter.  I really do.  And I try to take the high road; I keep the language on this blog generally PG13.

But I almost ripped Congressman Ellison’s head off Saturday for saying conservatives “nod and wink at James Von Brunn”. 

He was a neo-Nazi and a convicted felon.  He killed people.  Had I been in DC, and the powers that be in their infinite wisdom allowed me to carry a concealed handgun, and no security guards were there to do it, and the shoot were legal under self-defense law, I’d have done it myself.  And I know of no credible conservative anywhere who backs anything Von Brunn ever stood for – and writing for “The Freep” does not make him a “credible conservative”.

And to argue otherwise – as Representative Ellison did this past weekend on “Radio Free Nation” – is the depth of rhetorical cowardice. 

So let me make this perfectly clear to every one of you lefties that wants to try to smear all conservatism by association with Von Brunn, from Keith Ellison (with all due respect) down to the most scabrous, spyrochaetal-paretic leftyblogger.

Go screw yourself.  You are not worthy of civil discussion.

And grow some cojones while you’re at it and tell me to my face how much I support, and how closely I’m ideologically linked to James Von Brunn.  Because while I try to take the high road, I will wipe the low road, and the gutters alongside, with your face.

Rhetorically speaking, of course.

Do this, or hold your scabrous tongue.

That is all.

Really, really all.

Read over the weekend at a local anonymous leftyblog, essentially labelling any criticism of Sonia Sotomayor as one form of “racism” or another:

But you know what? Count me among those who think that she is a bit better than the white men out there calling her unintelligent, lazy, fat, unqualified, racist, an irresponsible spender, ugly, and arrogant.

I’d be the first of those links.  You’ll note that in no way do I call Judge Sotomayor unintelligent – anywhere, at all, much less in the piece linked above – but merely point out some commentary wondering she’s a bit of a professional lightweight for the highest court in the land.

Of course, as we’ve discovered in the past four months, dissent and skepticism about government is not the highest form of patriotism after all, but in fact one form depravity or another, whichever is convenient.

But as we’ve seen, in this anonyblogger’s post as well as some of the comments in my post, Sotomayor is serving the only purposes Obama really has for her nomination; to serve as a sop to female and Hispanic voters, and give the left a shrieking point, an ugly strawman to use to demonize dissent.  Just like with Obama himself.

Oh, yeah:

*Title stolen (and modified) from Anonymous Liberal

Well, that doesn’t narrow things down much, does it?

A newlywed groom in Taiwan dies after drinking too much at his wedding:

The man, 35, an insurance company worker surnamed Wu passed out at home after drinking too much Saturday at a high-end restaurant in Taipei among more than 100 wedding guests, the Liberty Times reported.

So many snarky punch lines present themselves:

• “Who does he think he is?  Atomizer?”
• “Great idea for the next time I get married…”
• “Who does he think he is?  Brian Ward?”
• “He musta watched Mad Men  the night before…”

But I’ll leave it to the expertise of my assembled commentariat.

I feel so much safer with the new administration. Don’t you?

According to a report, while recently attending the Gridiron Club dinner in Washington, an annual event where powerful politicians and media elite get a chance to cozy up to one another, Biden told his dinnermates about the existence of a secret bunker under the old U.S. Naval Observatory, which is now the home of the vice president.

Good news for General Electric, owner of NBC: Saturday Night Live hardly needs to hire writers anymore.