To: Service Employees Internation Union

CC: President Barack Obama

From:  Mitch Berg Nazi  mobster  part of immense conspiracy   insurance company hack  Citizen

Dear SEIU:

I’ll be attending quite a number of events related to “Obamacare” for the duration of this administration.  I will be speaking out.

I dare you to try to mix it up with me.

Just so you have no excuse, I’m this guy:

Try to get in my face.

I dare you.

That is all.
With no due respect,

Mitch Berg

To:  Midway Rainbow

From: Mitch Berg, longtime customer

Re: Thanks

I’ve been coming to your Midway store for nearly twenty years.

In that time, in exchange for prices slightly lower than Cub and a little higher than WalMart, I’ve endured the dirty, tatty condition of the store (although not since the remodel job), a generation of disinterested cashiers, checkout lines that vary from “oppressive” to “absurd”, and  your infamous parking lot, AKA “Panhandler Alley”, where I have heard every phony sob story conceivable – although only rarely after the neighboring liquor store closes, to be fair.

But after this week’s Bing cherry sale – like, a buck a pound for the most delicious cherries I’ve had in years?

Yes.  All is forgiven.

That is all.

I will bike between 50-100 miles a week.

I’ll hit the gym 2-3 times a week.

I’ll walk the dog, weed the garden, windmill while playing my damn guitar.

But be advised that under no circumstances will I “Groove” anything.

Ever.

That is all.

To: Anderson Cooper

From: Mitch Berg

Re: Your 4/15 cablecast

Mr. Cooper,

Sitting back, I can think of many times, chatting away with my project-mates in the bullpen, where I’d unwrap a bag of Earl Grey or Rooibos and dunk it in hot water, without interrupting my verbal train of thought.

I’ve also wondered about the cognitive logistics of that more metaphorical, historical tea-related moment, the Boston Tea Party – and not only do I believe that hauling bales of tea leaves would not pose a cognitive obstacle to speech, but having worked a few heavy manual labor jobs, I’ll tell you that talking, even yelling, are perfectly normal while hauling heavy things.  One might reasonably suppose that dropping or throwing lighter amounts – say, individual bags through boxes – would present even less of an obstacle.

There is, of course, another definition of “teabagging”, well known to anyone who has been in fourth grade – utterly unrelated to the previous two examples, but which would, perforce, make talking difficult.

Now, on your April 15 broadcast, you quipped “it’s hard to talk when you’re teabagging“.

As I demonstrated above, that’s only true with one meaning of the term.

So Mr. Cooper, question one: it’d logically seem that you’re referring to the latter definition of the term; in addition, you said your quip with such an air of first-person authority; how indeed do you know it’s “hard to talk” while “teabagging?”

And on second thought, given the inevitable, if somewhat distateful and/or juvenile answer to the first question, the second question (“how did someone with no demonstrable talent or experience for the job other than perfect silver-gray politics and hair to match ever get a job as a CNN talk show host?”) is rendered, it seems, moot.

Thanks. Sorry for the imposition.

That is all.

NOTE: To be fair to Cooper, he’s better than Matt Taibbi, “policial correspondent” for bleeding-edge magazine Rolling Stone.

To: Janet Napolitano, DHS Secretary

From: Mitch Berg, Right Wing Extremist

Re: Assess This.

Secretary Napolitano,

I heard your response to American Legion president Rehbein’s criticism of your agency’s report.

Your line (as heard on NPR this morning): “It’s an assessment, not an accusation”.

With all due respect (emphasis on “due”), Secretary Napolitano, that’s a warehouse full of baked wind.

An “assessment”, well, assesses.  It quantifies, or at least qualifies, something; in the case of a “risk assessment”, it is supposed to give the “why” as well as the “who”.

But as John Hinderaker pointed out in skewering the report earlier this week, your report doesn’t “assess” anything; it runs down a shopping list of conservative groups, without explaining why any of them are a risk; no incidents, no people, no specifics, merely “watch out for pro-lifers, NRA members, tax protesters, and veterans; they’re all prone to being recruited by all those scary “militia” groups!”

That’s not an “assessment”; it’s a mass drive-by smear, no less so than “assessing” that black men are “prone” to being lazy, that Mexicans are “liable” to be illegals and that women are “likely” to be slaves to emotion to the point that they can’t be trusted with anything important.
If everyone’s a (potential) extremist, then nobody’s an extremist. Unless your only goal is to define “dissent” as “extreme”, “dangerous” or “mentally ill”.

Which, to be fair, seems to be not unthinkable with the Obama Administration; anyone who’d say “You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and…it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations” probably isn’t a stranger to the notion that “dissent is derangement”.

Which was more a Soviet thing than an American one, at least heretofore.

So, with all due (heh) respect, Secretary Napolitano, “assess” this:

Thanks, and do have a nice day.

That is all.

To: Marketing departments at Gibson Guitars, Saab, Hecker & Koch, Schechter, Apple, Fender Guitars, Lenovo, Springfield Armory, The Saint Paul Hotel, Amazon.com, Mesa Amplifiers, NoodleCo, Cannondale Bikes, Fabrique Nationale, Best Buy, 1-800-FLOWERS, Sony, Guitar Center, Rainbow Foods, Schweize Industrie Gesellschaft, Jeep, Chipotle, Marshall Electronics, General NanoSysterms, Taqueria Pineda, Bentley, Marriott, ParaOrdinance, Kowalski’s Market, The Park South Hotel in Manhattan, Hamer Guitars, DOD Electronics, Colt Firearms, Line Six Amplifiers, Shure, Kelloggs, Kimber Firearms, Guild Guitars.

From: Mitch Berg

Re: Solving that pesky FTC issue.

All,

I’m not sure who did what to whom to get the FTC all up in your grille, but it musta been a doozy of a lie!

As part of its review of its advertising guidelines, the FTC is proposing that word-of-mouth marketers and bloggers, as well as people on social-media sites such as Facebook, be held liable for any false statements they make about a product they’re promoting, along with the product’s marketer. This could present a significant issue for marketers, including the likes of Microsoft, Ford and Pepsi, who spend billions on word-of-mouth and social media. PQ Media projects that marketers will spend $3.7 billion on word-of-mouth marketing in 2011.

At any rate – just to be safe (and protect your shareholders), feel perfectly free to dump whatever social networkers you’re working with now, and send products to me to review.  I guarantee absolute, fiercely-honest lawsuit-proof reviews of your products and services.
All of them.

It’s your fiduciary duty!

That is all.

You know who you are.

I’m not a Michele Bachmann “apologist”.

I’m a “supporter”. 

There’s a difference.

That is all.

That is all.

To: Michael Steele

From: Mitch Berg

Re: Limbaugh

Chairman Steele,

For starters, congrats on winning the chairmanship.

In addition; my condolences on winning the chairmanship.

A while ago, I introduced a metaphor I like a lot – the “Tug of War” – to describe politics at this stage of the race. There are two (or more sides) to every question, and each is a tug of war, and each of our job is to get as many people pulling our way as possible, knowing we’ll likely never pull the other team into the mud pit, but we’ll at least pull the rope – the issue – far enough to our side to make us happy enough which, in a representative democracy (either a government or a party) is as good as it gets.

Rush Limbaugh represents a lot of us who are pulling to the right.  You represent a lot of people who pull in different directions on a lot of issues – the fiscal right, perhaps, but the social center on a lot of issues, including some on which you and I disagree.

So don’t yap about Limbaugh pulling to the right; that’s his job.

Rather, try to sell the rest of us on what your vision is.  Convince us.  Show us where you have a better plan.  Because your last couple of predecessors sure didn’t do it.  The burden of proof is on you to show where you and your office have a better idea, especially inasmuch as Rush and all of us conservatives represent ideas that have worked, and a time that the party did conquer all in its path.  Rush – and all of us – represent the Gingrich and Reagan eras; too many of the hamsters we have in office now represent the Trent Lott era.

But this is your chance, Mr. Steele.  Show us what you’ve got.  Take the good ideas from the right – and there are an awful lot of them – and convince us on the rest.

You have a little less than a year before the race to contest Congress heats up again.

Don’t screw up – and by that, I mean “don’t do what the last two rounds of elections have done – whiz on conservatives”.

That is all.

To:  The 40% of Americans who will pay no income tax under the Obama “stimulus”

From:  The other 60% and I

Re: The Future

Dear Deadbeats:

Well, you went and did it.  You voted yourself a President and Congress who promise to give you goodies and make someone else pay for it.

All the rest of the Someone Elses and I need to ask you, though; what if we just decide to quit?  Quit working, quit ponying up and paying the freight for ourselves and, with all due respect, your freeloading asses?

What’ll happen to your entitlement to our tax money?

By the way, “But you have to keep working and paying!  It’s not  your money, it’s taxes” is not an answer.

Think about it.

That is all.

Look – “Obamessiah” was just a figure of speech; a reaction to some of his more overwrought, hyperbolic (?) supporters.  To stuff like Michelle Obama saying he was the only thing that could save this nation’s soul – that kind of thing.

So try to track me here:  Just because we joke about something doesn’t mean you have to live down to it.

Please tell me it’s a fiendishly-effective photoshop.

Please.

That is all.

To:  Ted Nugent

From:  Mitch Berg

Re:  NRA

Mr. Nugent:

Re the word that you are discussing Trunning for the presidency of the National Rifle Association…:

We hear that the Nuge is being urged to get into the race, and a key NRA insider tells us: “He does have a grass-roots following.” That’s for sure. The singer of “Cat Scratch Fever” fame and 23 albums is being promoted on Facebook. While Nugent is an NRA board member, he doesn’t have the type of top slot in the organization normally needed to springboard somebody into the presidency. Even Charlton Heston, who played Moses in Hollywood, worked his way up to the presidency.

Whatever your chops as a guitar player (formidable), talk show host (adequate) or grassroots advocate for shooters (stellar)…:

But Nugent tells Whispers he stands ready to battle the antigunners in Washington. “Clearly, the NRA is the ultimate ‘we the people,’ family, grass-roots organization for what is clearly Job 1 for free men everywhere: to guarantee our God-given right to keep and bear arms and defend ourselves,” he tells our Suzi Parker. “To be so honored to participate in any way, as an NRA board member or the ultimate honor of serving as president, would surely be a duty I would put my heart and soul into. I am genuinely moved that it is even being discussed. I am ready, willing, and able to serve if the good NRA members call upon me.”

…I gotta ask – can we really see you addressing Congress, the Supreme Court or anyone that isn’t already a gun-totin’ true believer?

I’m gonna need convincing

That is all.

(Via AP)

To:  President Barack Obama

From:  Mitch Berg – American, Citizen, Accidental Constituent

Re:  Geese and Ganders

Mr. President,

As a person with an innate notion of common sense and right and wrong, I don’t disagree that it’s really, really bad PR for Wall Street firms and banks that are asking for government bailouts to be giving out nearly $20 billion in bonuses.

The tongue-lashing you gave them…:

Summoning reporters after a closed meeting with Mr. Geithner, Mr. Obama blasted earlier news that Wall Street had paid out $18.4 billion in bonuses, calling it “the height of irresponsibility” and “shameful.””There will be time for them to make profits, and there will be time for them to get bonuses,” he said. “Now is not that time.”

The tough talk suggested a firmer stand from the administration in its oversight of banks. But it also had a political purpose: eliciting support for an expensive and unpopular bailout program that will likely require more cash from Congress.

…makes political sense.

On the other hand, the bonuses are attempts to retain top “talent” at firms that do drive this nation’s economic engine.  Right?  Wrong?  I’m not sure.

But it’s certainly no worse than the hundreds of millions – billions – your administration is planning to give to ACORN, the National Endowment for the Arts, global warming cultists, unions, and Trojan-brand condoms – none of which brings a single job to this nation (other than, I suppose, at Trojan – although I suppose you know that recessions actually help the market for contraceptives, among other less-clinical goodies).

If I didn’t know better – and as a bitter, gun-clinging Jesus freak, you just know I don’t, right? – I’d almost thing you were trying an FDR-like bit of populist displacement, to focus the people’s attention on these (ill-timed) bonuses via the lens of your friends in tingly-leg media, to drown out questions about the pork your “stimulus” plan is shoveling.

Please get back to me.  Thanks.

That is all.

To:  Lou Reed

From: Mitch Berg, minimal fan.

Re:  Sweet Jane observations

Mr. Reed,

You are on record from 20-odd years ago as saying that the Cowboy Junkies’ version of “Sweet Jane” is the best ever, and better than the original version you did with the Velvet Underground.

This is categorically incorrect.

Please see to correcting this error.  Thanks.

That is all.

To: Larry King

From: Mitch Berg

Re: Apologies

Mr. King,

For over two decades, I’ve mocked your USA Today newspaper column as a self-indulgent, stream-of-consciousness glob of senseless drivel. At one point or another, I may have thought to myself “it’ cant’ get any dumber than this”.

To my chagrin, I owe you an apology, Mr. King. To be fair to me, in my most toxic nightmares I had no idea that anyone had a column this really really stupid in them:

…you shouldn’t fret, dear hearts, if what you do doesn’t draw a big crowd or get written up in the papers. Be proud. If you’ve dedicated yourself to the tango, or playing drop-thumb banjo, or digging up ancient cities, or writing sonnets, you are beautiful, and please do not yearn for the bright lights. Those wombats reading the news off teleprompters are talking to the bedridden, the delusional and the criminal. The happy StairMaster president is on his way to a mansionette in Dallas, to be the decider of where to put the sofa. His successor, Mister Mambo, has cast his lot with Harvard and Yale and old Clinton hands, and soon enough, Lord knows, they will get the first of many comeuppances, and their shining faces will be chopfallen.

Mister Mambo?

As for me, I sat and wrote sonnets, including one about self-esteem.

Life is absurd. A man can count on that.

Here I am on the front page, standing alone,

Refusing to hide my face behind my hat,

Which, in my case, I do not even own.

MAN, 66, NABBED FOR PUBLIC EXPOSURE.

All I did was go take a leak in the bushes.

I didn’t run through the park with no clothes or

Flash anyone. Ridiculous. Absolutely atrocious.

The injustice! Some gumshoe at the P.D.

Was out to enhance his crime-stopping reputation

And now I am an outcast crying bootlessly

For the crime of emergency urination.

With fortune and men’s eyes I’m in disgrace

But you still love me and I refuse to hide my face.

Mr. King, I know what you’re thinking; there’s no way something like this would inspired by something as crass as public urination.

You, like I, would be wrong:

It was inspired, if you must know, by observing a man taking a leak in the bushes at a park where a Cuban band was playing, and a line of dancers formed impromptu next to the stage and did a lovely salsa step, so simple, graceful, slide slide turn slide, arms up, turn step step slide, and you had to think, O my God how beautiful we are. And beyond was the man disgracing himself, and he was beautiful, too.

Mr. King, I am so sorry. You read like Hemingway, taut and acerbic, compared to Keillor’s flabby drivel; indeed, while Jesse Ventura and Al Franken may be Minnesota’s greatest embarassments, Keillor must be closing in.

Please accept my apology. Write about toe corns and brooklyn bagel shops to your heart’s content. I have a newfound appreciation for your oeuvre.

That is all.

Yes, my good friend, it would seem you’ve been hitting some hard times.

I’m truly, truly sorry to hear that your car has broken down.  It can be a real hassle when cars break down. 

And it’s sad that your daughter is sick, and needs to get to Regions.  I’ve been there; trying to take care of family emergencies with a balky car can be harrowing, for sure. 

And it’s drastically bad luck that she’s in the car right now in her condition, with Mom over on a side street out of sight of this parking lot.  Gawd, that has to stink.

And I know – I know! – that you are under immense stress.  The tone of your voice truly says it all.  I feel your pain and your stress, on a level perhaps deeper than you might suspect.

And I know this is the kind of time that you could use a helping hand from a stranger – say, $100 to get your car towed and catch a cab down to Regions.  Christian charity is a powerful thing, and Minnesotans are rightly famous for it.

I do feel I should lend you the hand you need.  I feel it in the pit of my gut.

And I’d feel it a lot more if this weren’t the second time you, yourself, have tried this con on me in this self-same parking lot in the past year.

That is all.

To:  The Broadcast Media

From:  Mitch Berg

Re:  News

All,

When carrying broadcast packages involving Governor Palin on the campaign trail, it is not necessary to use Saturday Night Live’s parody of Governor Palin as a coda to every single piece on the subject. 

The parody may have been news a month or so ago (along with the “news” that SNL finally has perhaps its third passably-funny bit since Norm MacDonald left the cast).  A month later, it is a weekly bit on an (I’ll be charitable) entertainment show.  It happens as regularly as Linday Lohan passing out in a puddle of vomit.  This isn’t even “dog bites man”, it’s “dog piddles on tree”.

Giving Tina Fey a half-week-old last word on every one of Governor Palin’s statements is sort of like appending Zach Braff’s or Hugh Laurie’s impression of a doctor onto every story about healthcare.  To the best of my knowledge, no network news department (except perhaps  MSNBC) does this.

See to this.  Thanks.

That is all.

To:  Jack Cafferty, inexplicable pundit
From:  Mitch Berg. common citizen

Re:  Racism

Mr. Cafferty – let me ask you this:  If a political party nominates a black person who believes in nothing I believe in, supports no policies I support, and shows active contempt for a good part of this nation (a part where I grew up, by the way), and is utterly unqualified for office, and I don’t vote for him for those reasons, am I a racist?

I look forward to your answer.

That is all.

Mitch Berg

PS:  You were much better with the Beaver Brown Band.

Dear Teenager,

It was fun meeting you out on the other day, out on Sixth at Saint Peter, and having the little discussion we had. Part if it is that you seem a lot like I was, almost thirty years ago. Passionate, smart, full of piddle and vinegar to change something – and also full of information you’ve gotten from your peers, your teachers and, I can only presume, your parents that is just plain wrong.

You said a few things during our conversation that I felt deserved some answers. And while I took a whack at it last Wednesday, I’m going to do a bit more thorough of a job this time around.

No, This Is Not A Police State: You were upset at the police response to the protests, especially the Monday (and, I presume, Thursday) events which involved a bit of violence. You said the police were “systematically violating the First Amendment”.

With all due respect, no – and it seems that you and a lot of people much older and who should be much wiser than you are just as confused as you are on this subject. Let me explain a few things:

• The Law is what it says. Not what you want it to be. Not even what you really really want it to be. The law says that groups of over 25-odd people need a permit to demonstrate; permits have conditions, like time limits and routes. If your demonstration (of 25-or-so or more people) goes outside those limits, you’re breaking the law. At an event like the RNC, you need a permit because the police and city don’t want big crowds of completely different people bumping into each other and breaking into violence.
• The demonstrations that got broken up violently were, as far as I’ve heard, operating outside their permit conditions; late, or on the wrong route, or something.
• You may not have agreed with the police response – and for that matter, I’m still thinking about some of it – but the fact was (or seems to be) that the police followed the rules (see above; the rules as they are written down, not necessarily the way you want them to be); they left permitted demonstrations alone, and gave big, non-permitted demonstrations time to disperse after the orders to disperse were given.

“The Police Overreacted”: Look, I’ll keep an open mind, but so far what I’ve seen is this: the cops gave lawful orders to disperse several times. An order to disperse a crowd is like an order for an alleged drunk driver to get out of a car; if you disagree, you need to take it up with a judge, not a cop.

Furthermore, from what I’ve seen and heard from others, the police pretty much did everything they could to avoid trouble until the demonstrators flagrantly disregarded the law. At the first march on Thursday, when hundreds of protesters were bottled up on th John Ireland overpass, the police just stood there. They’d have been well within the law to have arrested everyone on that bridge. They didn’t (thus boring many of the demonstrators to death, so they didn’t stick around for the louder, more disruptive riot later in the evening).

It’s all “The People” vs. “The Rich”: I refute you thus: George Soros is a Democrat. I am a Republican. Keep your stereotypes – which in an older person are called “bigotry”, but you’re young, so we’ll just call it “ignorance” and “mindlessly parroting what other people have told you” – to yourself,thanks.
More as the opportunity arises.

To:  The John McCain Campaign

From:  All Conservatives

Re:  The Tactical “Error” of Selecting Sarah Palin

Dear Senator McCain:

Parts of the Sorosphere (albeit not the parts smart enough to get out of jury duty, if you catch my drift)  have been calling your selection of Sarah Palin a mistake.

Please make many more, just like it.  We approve. Thanks.
That is all.

To: President Carter

From: Mitch Berg

Re:  Your comment

President Carter,

You had the following to say about John McCain:

Former president Jimmy Carter called Republican presidential candidate John McCain a “distinguished naval officer,” but he said the Arizona senator has been “milking every possible drop of advantage” from his time served as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.

By the same token, Mr. Carter, you have been “milking every possible drop of advantage” from having been the worst president in my lifetime.

Just giving credit where it’s due.

That is all.

To:  America’s writing teachers

From:  Mitch Berg (BA, English)

Re:  Status Report

As my friend Joe “Learned Foot” Tucci notes over at the Kool Aid Report, it’s quite clear from this example that some of you really, really aren’t pulling your weight.

Seriously – we presume that most of the people writing the linked bilge are adults, right?  High school, if not college graduates?  They can’t even pull off “cutesy” and “smug” well.

Perhaps more surprising; given the demographics of most “counterculture” protesters, many of the perpetrators are likely private school grads.

This should be popping up on your performance reviews (presuming justice breaks out in this universe any time soon).

See to this, please.

That is all.

To: Everyone

From: Mitch

Re: Favre

Who cares.

That is all.

Mitch

P.S. Unless he goes to the Bears.

To: USA Network Programming Department

From: Mitch Berg

Re: Criminal Intent

Guys,

One of the “gimmicks” on all of the shows of the Law and Order franchise is the relatively high turnover on the various casts.

For example, in the years since Chris Noth was brought back from Staten Island and onto Criminal Intent, he’s been through a few partners – he’s even recycling one from a couple of years ago, now.

But given the way the writing of the show has changed since CI jumped from NBC to USA, I have a suggestion for next season.

Angela Lansbury.

Thanks. Hey, we gotta do lunch. Have your people call my people. Is that your Audi?

That is all.

To:  Jesse Ventura, ex-governor and “celebrity”

From: Mitch Berg, Average Schlemiel

Re: Senate Bid

Dear “Governor” Ventura,

One minute you’re running; the next, you’re not.  It’s almost like you’re arguing with The Crusher or Vern Gagne or Vince McMahon [1] or someone.

Let me help you settle this.

Run.  Run, Jesse, Run. 

Run for Senate.  Please.

Ten years ago, in a simpler and more trite era, it was easy to convince people that you were a populist, libertarian/conservative everyman.  Back before you actually had to govern (“Govern”?  Whatever), you could make yourself out to be whatever you wanted to look like; like every third party candidate, you could wrap ideals around you like they were so many pink feather boas.

Of course, then you got into office.  And that “deer in the headlights” look you got on election night 1998 morphed into you turning into a sock puppet for Dean Barkley and Tim Penny and, eventually – to deal with the fact that you had no party supporting  you in the legislature – ran to Roger Moe like a new, boyish-looking blond inmate cuddling up to a big bruiser inmate for protection.

But we know you today, Mr. Ventura. Some of us know you way too well. 

We know that you, like your “party”, are DFL lite.  To Democrats, who might prefer a trite, vapor-light, paper-thin devil they know to a trite, vacuous devil they don’t, that might be a sell over Franken.  To Republicans?  You had some of us fooled ten years ago; they’re not biting anymore.

Oh, and you’re a 9/11 Truther.  That appeals entirely to…well, you know who.  Indeed, the numbers show, so far, that you will draw more voters from Franken than Coleman.

So please, Jesse.  Run.  I beg of you.  Let’s make this electoral season even more humiliating for Al Franken.

That is all.

[1] What?  None of these names were current when you were in “wrestling”?  Sorry – I guess I had a brain and didn’t pay any attention at the time.  Sorry.  Not.