WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama greeted Hamid Karzai’s election victory with as much admonishment as praise on Monday, pointedly advising America’s partner in war he must make more serious efforts to end corruption in Afghanistan’s government and prepare his nation to ultimately defend itself.

Shot In The Dark exclusively obtained the transcript from US President Barack Obama’s telephone call to Afghan President Hamid Karzai today:

[sound of technician pushing start button on teleprompter]

Obama: I want to emphasize that this has to be a point in time in which we begin to write a new chapter.

Karzai: Let me offer you assurances that a new chapter that we will begin at this point in time will be one like which you have emphasized.

Obama: The proof is not going to be in words. It’s going to be in deeds.

[sound of Karzai’s hand covering mouthpiece of reciever and muffled sounds of snickering and then laughing audibly; mockingly]

Obama: Karzai! What are you doing?!!

Karzai: [chuckles] I’m sorry…uh…Mr. Obama, did you…Barack Obama…say….[chuckles] words [chuckles]…not deeds?!

Obama: Yes, make no mistake. The proof –

Karzai: [chuckles] I’m sorry. Are you serious? “Click”

[sound of dial tone]

Obama: [pretends to still be in conversation for the benefit of adjacent staff members]

[sound of technician pushing stop button on teleprompter, snickering]

Bill Clinton: See? I toldja Barry. Let me call ‘m next time.

Hillary Clinton: Guys! I’m still on the speakerphone…I heard that!

[sound of former President Clinton hanging up on former first lady and current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton]

[sound of Vice President Joseph Biden awakening from catnap on Oval Office couch]

–end of transcript–

…but Arnold Schwarzenegger says…

Title courtesy Jon Bon Jovi

120,000 calls in four hours…and we’re done.

Park Nicollet Clinic shut down its flu-shot appointment line today after it was flooded with 120,000 calls in a four-hour period this morning.

They need to get that soup Nazi guy to handle this.

“Not pregnant? No shot for you!

Older than four? No shot for you!

Healthy immune system? No shot for you!

Move along!”

That would work.

To: Our Loyal Readers

From: Me

Re: The Crash of Shot In The Dark

Sincere apologies for the recent lack of continuity our site has experienced of late. As I learned from my time in radio, dead air (and inside jokes by the way, but I digress) is a mortal sin as much in this medium as it is in radio.

We have made great progress in restoring the site to its retro look however the “post author” function is still busted.

I would like to take this opportunity to confess a couple things under cover of this period of anonymity.

First off, there have been many rumors that our high readership and decidedly conservative stance put Shot In The Dark on par with Fox News. As it were, Blogga Non Grata. The buzz was that our site was taken down by operatives of the Obama administration. This is only partially true.

Truth is, I was watching Robert Gibbs lie through his teeth on YouTube and as I reacted with my signature “up in arms” gesture, I spilled coffee on my keyboard. As I was cleaning up after myself, I pushed “Ctrl Alt Del” which took the whole damn site down. My bad. Sorry about that.

Secondly, I want to confess that I wear women’s clothing. A lot. Mostly in the privacy of my home. Sometimes not. I like the feel of silk as it tickles my hairy legs. I am really excited about Nicole Ritchie’s new “Winter Kate” line.

And lastly, I spend much of my spare time watching Mary Tyler More and Rhoda reruns on Hulu. Cloris Leachman was so hot back then – but even moreso: Ed Asner.

There. I feel better.

Sincerely,

Me.

By now everyone has heard the sound bite from Flight 188’s First Officer Cole:

The first officer of the Northwest Airlines jet that missed its destination by 150 miles says there was no fight in the cockpit, neither he nor the captain had fallen asleep and the passengers were never in any danger.

But in an interview with The Associated Press two days after he and a colleague blew past their destination as air traffic controlled tried frantically to reach them, pilot Richard Cole would not say just what it was that led to them to forget to land Flight 188.

So just what was it?

• Do you need tax-avoidance assistance?
• Do you have cash to “process” back into the system?
• Did you “forget” to vote the last few cycles and would like to “catch up” and vote twice or more in the next election?
• Are the monthly payments on your mortgage, flat screen television, leather sofa, and 24″ chrome wheels too much to handle right now?
• Is your community disorganized?
• Do you have immigrant employees that need “Social Security” numbers or “Citizenship”?
• Do you run an “entertainment or recreational enterprise” and need help determining what legitimate NAICS code to assign to it?
  
• Would you like a ride on Marine One?⁺

Call Huggy Barry, PIC^® at the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now

866-67-ACORN or www.acorn.org

“Huggy Barry, PIC^® – He’ll get The Man off your back.”

⁺Minium donation to ongoing Obama camapaign required

PIC^® is a registered trademark of the National Association of Pimps-In-Chief

“The good news: it appears to be well run.”

At last, we can all see exactly what a “neighborhood organizer” does before becoming a “public servant.”

Interestingly, if you rearrange* the letters in “ACORN” you get….OBAMA!

*and swap a couple out for others and use the “A” twice

Okay, maybe this is a little off topic…

OJ’s Ex-Girlfriend Thinks OJ Killed Nicole Brown Simpson

Is this same woman that is featured in the joke about the blonde that couldn’t figure out why the garage door doesn’t close when she clicks the TV Remote at it?

[Mitch, I think we need to create a “DUH” tag]

(again, please direct complaints regarding Johnny Roosh and/or this crude, tasteless, stereotypical, yet undeniably humorous post to feedbackinthedark at yahoo.com)

CNN has resorted to cruel, baseless name-calling.

Ms. Klobuchar may not possess the ideal height-weight ratio, but she is not a cow.

(please direct complaints on Johnny Roosh and/or this tasteless, racist, cruel-to-animals post to feedbackinthedark at yahoo.com)

Is NASA necessary?

…before you answer that, remember, Star Trek isn’t real, and clearly the government already knows where Uranus is.

Is there a cure for cancer or world hunger in space? Should we risk bumping into someone out there, and pissing them off? Do we need to spend Billions on a space station that will eventually burn up in our atmosphere some day?

…you know, like a Dodge pickup?

NASA invented Tang – shouldn’t they have quit at the top of their game? (shut up, Brett)

The space program “is perpetuating the perilous practice of pursuing goals that do not match allocated resources,” the U.S. Human Space Flight Plans Committee said in a summary of its report.

…Geez, must be run by a bunch of liberals or something. God forbid we lower our goals during an almost unprecedented (as of yet at least) economic crisis.

In a time when our government (and it’s people by the way) should be looking to do more with less, to work harder, save and sacrifice more, to work our way out of the hole we’ve collectively dug, Obama’s next proposal is out of this world.

Obama asked Congress in February to boost NASA’s budget by 5 percent in fiscal year 2010 to $18.7 billion and embraced Bush’s 2020 moon-return goal.

Barack Obama shares Bush’s goal to go where the sun doesn’t shine. You can pay a lot of mortgage payments with nineteen billion, Mr. Jimmy!

The increase excludes $1 billion the agency will get under economic-stimulus legislation. A 10- year projection released with Obama’s budget showed spending would remain flat for NASA in later years.

Impressive. The deficit represents IOU’s stacked from the “stairs” on Purgatory Creek all the way into space; literally and figuratively. Of course $1 Billion to a liberal is a nit; but someone mindmeld with me and explain how spending a billion on NASA is stimulating government economic growth?

(crickets are chirping but since they are part of a useless experiment in space you can’t hear them)

The public would be inspired “with a series of interesting firsts to keep them engaged and supportive,” the committee said.

Why don’t you just try putting something in the nation’s water? Seems like less trouble to me.

The panel said that Mars, already visited by U.S. robotic probes, should be the “ultimate destination” for human explorers.

Just ask the robots.

Then again, they’ve never been to a MOB night at Keegan’s, either.

It would be even funnier if it wasn’t all true. Enjoy.

Click to play!

It was a scratch! [end Seinfeld voice]

You think a Packers/Vikings game was a family-un-friendly cesspool of vulgarity, projectile vomit, urine and feces before?

Just wait until the Vikes/Packers games this year – assuming Favre makes it that far.

Packers fans will be leaping from the cheap seats when they see him in Purple.

Personally, I think Jon Favreau would make a better quarterback.

…at least he knows how to pronounce his name. Cheaper too.

$12M for one year? Ziggy really should have gone with the month-to-month plan.

After months of back and forth indecision, the Hamlet of Hattiesburg has finally chosen to be… A Minnesota Viking:

Brett Favre will be a Viking after all.

Three weeks after the future Hall of Fame quarterback told the Vikings he had decided to remain retired, he arrived in Minnesota and prepared to sign a contract at Winter Park.

Word on the street is that Vikings coach Brad Childress called Brett Favre after being stricken with pangs of guilt over how the Sage Rosenfels / Tavaris Jackson tandem would unfairly tear up the league, obliterating quarterback passing records and leading the Vikings to an almost automatic Superbowl victory. With 40 year old Favre at the helm the Vikings should keep things a bit more even and interesting.

Kidding!

I’m thinking this image may be a wee bit closer to the true story here:

“

A fifteen-year-old girl is texting while walking along a sidewalk with a friend and falls into an open manhole that workers were just about to cone off (allegedly).

She’s okay. Her parents want to sue. But who is really at fault here?

Now the important questions here are:

1. How did both people miss an open manhole directly in their path?
2. Did the text “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ooof! OMG! Mother.” make it to the other party?”
3. Would cordoning off a manhole with “Men Working” signs and orange cones have stopped an iPhone-thumbing teen any way?
4. Why are street-level utility portals called manholes? Why not personholes?

These are questions for all mankind.

Watch the video and discuss.

In related news: Oprah Spares Two Entire Families from Falling Down a Personhole

Color me surprised, but as of this posting, the clear initial winner was “The Senator from New York”

After recounting and recounting however, I was able to arrive at a result more in keeping with the end I had in mind. I will hereby refer to The Senator from New York as Stuart Smalley, and in limited engagements Big Fat Idiot.

Thank you for your participation. I apologize for your disenfranchisement*.

*Yes, that’s a word.

As you know, Johnny Roosh likes to employ fitting nick names for political objects of disregard here at Shot In The Dark and I would once again like to enlist your input.

Posted by Johnny Roosh in HUMOR, Senator Franken| 16 Comments »