Category Archives: HUMOR

For those who need it spelled out in all caps.

Hot Gear Friday Wednesday

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May I present for this week’s Hot Gear Friday Wednesday installment, the Phillips Norelco Nose and Ear Trimmer Model NT9110.

This high-performance, smartly-designed and thoughtfully-engineered grooming aid is a quiet, yet powerful hair removal system for the demanding, highly visible, metrosexual lifestyle of prominent bloggers like Mitch Berg and your own Johnny Roosh.

The NT9110 is 100% water resistant for easy use and cleaning, runs on one widely available AA Battery and includes:

  • 2 eyebrow combs, long and short
  • 2 trimming combs
  • Protection cap
  • 2-year world wide guarantee

I especially appreciate the motor’s turbine-like smoothness, the body’s quality feel, it’s sensuous form factor, and the tactile pleasure of holding my Phillips Norelco NT9110’s Soft-Grip rubber jacket as I advance it’s humming proboscis ever deeper into my aural and nasal cavities so as to keep my nostrils and ears free of follicular overgrowth for many hours at a time.

The business end of this precision-designed grooming machine is intuitively canted to maximize comfort and reach.

The water resistant design allows full-stream rinsing to remove the bounty of organic debris that collects as you comfortably navigate the aforementioned body cavities.

The efficacy of this appliance is demonstrated here in recent photos of me “before” and “after” employing my Phillips Norelco NT9110 before a recent MOB Gala.

As you can see, I’m no April fool. So if you’re like me, and of course you are – who wouldn’t want to be – you will appreciate the ease and efficiency with which the Phillips Norelco NT9110 keeps unwanted follicles at bay, leaving you with that just-groomed look for gatherings both business…

…and pleasure.

国产 (Made in China)

Hot Hosiery Friday

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I have been wearing Gold Toe® hosiery for as long as I can remember. I prefer the Metropolitan over-the-calf in Black and Brown. The stretch nylon holds up to months and months of wear and they never lose their elastic so, they never come back down your calf.

During the early part of last century, two German immigrants founded a small mill in Bally, Pennsylvania to manufacture men’s hosiery and as a tribute to the country that adopted them, they named their company Great American Knitting Mills. From the start, Great American set out to look for “golden opportunities” in the marketplace. Ironically, the most fruitful and long lasting reward was to come from Great American’s humble efforts to answer the needs of Americans hard hit by the Great Depression of 1929. Consumers wanted hosiery that would wear better and last longer than ever before, so Great American introduced a sock with a gold reinforcing yarn sewn in the toe. Before long, Americans everywhere were asking for the durable “sock with the gold toe.” Gold Toe® hosiery had emerged as one of the leading brands in America, and The Standard of Quality in the Industry. During 2002 the Company changed its name to Gold Toe Brands, Inc.

Hosiery. Damn good hosiery.

Not so good with shorts though. Word to the wise.

Next time: Boxers or Briefs, Pros and Cons.

Pissed

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Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the fine.

Michael Harold Lynch was ticketed for doing 54 mph in a 35 mph area that was also a construction zone. The fine was $206.

And when you pay it, don’t spray it.

Lynch decided to let his anger flow by placing $206 in a plastic bag, peeing in the bag and sending it in. Upon receiving Lynch’s little care package, the courthouse staff gave it to a police officer and declined to accept the pungent payment to clear the ticket.

Turns out Lynch didn’t break any laws – it’s not necessarily illegal to mail bodily fluids.

Oh? Good to know.

The pee-and-pennies were sent back to Lynch – COD, in fact – with a note that said they couldn’t be taken because “the pile of coins emitted a strong, pungent odor of stale urine.”

Fresh urine: is that an oxymoron?

Lynch responded by sending a check made out to another agency, which was returned, then he sent a check for the wrong amount. Now he’s on the hook for $271 because his payment is late.

Nope, just a moron.

Peeled

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President of The Onion leaving:

The Onion, the humor newspaper and online mecca for satire lovers, is losing its president. “It’s been a great run, but the time has come for a new challenge,” Sean Mills told partners in an email message. Mills tells minonline he had been negotiating a departure from the company for a while, but did not offer any further explanation for the move. He says that he started at the brand in 2002, when there was a staff of 35, print distribution in four cities and 2 million unique visitors to the Web site each month. “Today we have newspapers in 10 cities, 8 million readers online and 150 employees, as well as a video network that gets over 2 million views each week,” he said in a statement. In fact, next week Onion launches another Web video program, the Onion Sports Network.

To bad one of those “new challenges” isn’t making The Onion funnier.  It’s been pretty feeble lately.

Obama to Create Thirty-Two Million Jobs by 2011

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Barack Obama has outlined his plans to create jobs in America via speeches during his inspiring campaign and his calming and reassuring tone as Occupier of the Office of the President Elect.

As economic conditions have evolved and Obama’s confidence in his magical powers has grown, he has revised his goals and ambitions for job creation over the past year.

In an effort to be a progressive source of economic guidance and as a public service, we have gathered and cataloged the President-Elect’s “Job” Creation Goals as outlined in his many and factual addresses to the nation.

Using the same mathematics and economic theory* employed by Obama’s advisers and cutting-edge spreadsheet technology, we have analyzed and extrapolated Barack Obama’s “job” creation predictions.

Here is a sampling of the data and its sources (emphasis mine-JR):

Feb 13, 2008 WASHINGTON – Democrat Barack Obama said Wednesday that as president he would spend $210 billion to create jobs in construction and environmental industries, as he tried to win over economically struggling voters.

Obama’s investment would be over 10 years as part of two programs. The larger is $150 billion to create 5 million so-called “green collar” jobs to develop more environmentally friendly energy sources.

December 24th, 2008 Dec. 24 (Bloomberg) — President-elect Barack Obama is still four weeks away from inauguration, and already the size of government is growing. His initial goal of creating 2.5 million new jobs has been upped to 3 million, rising in lockstep with a proposed economic stimulus package.

We know money buys influence. Now we find out it can buy jobs as well.

If only it were that simple.

Jan 10, 2008 Jan. 10 (Bloomberg) — President-elect Barack Obama said his two-year plan to boost the U.S. economy will generate up to 4 million jobs, higher than his previous estimates, the biggest portion of them in construction, manufacturing and retail.

Here is our analysis:

As you can see, by this time next year, Barack Obama will have predicted the unprecedented creation of over 32 Million Jobs by the end of 2011. This is cause for great rejoicing and a renewed confidence in our political system.

The surplus of new jobs will actually allow many workers to choose more than one, although experts predict an executive order will limit job selection to two per worker and three per household for American citizens and  three per worker and five per household for illegal aliens undocumented workers that can document a contribution to the Obama ’08 campaign.

We will revise our estimates as new data is made available to us via the media.

*Hopey Changey©

Global Warming Killed The Zamboni

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Twice the cost of a Zamboni at $160,000…

Toronto, Canada’s largest city, is slowly phasing out their Zambonis in favor of Finnish-made IceCats. So is the National Hockey League. And the reason is carbon monoxide: while the Zambonis run on propane or natural gas, the IceCats are all-electric. In an indoor arena, that can make all the difference: it’s no big surprise to read that a study in the American Journal of Public Health determined that replacing carbon-emitting resurfacing machines with electric ones would reduce the concentration of nitrogen dioxide in indoor arenas by 87%.

87% percent of what number? How much difference can a Zamboni or two make in a huge ice arena?

Who’d a thought you could make a Zamboni any uglier.

Is it just me, or is it ironic that the NHL is a spectacle featuring juiced up hockey players beating the piss out of each other while at the same time worrying about inhaling too much NO2?

Hysteria can be hysterical.

Wisconsin Senator Addresses The Text Messaging Crisis

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All other national problems having been solved…

Senator Herb Kohl, Democrat of Wisconsin and the chairman of the Senate antitrust subcommittee, wanted to look behind the curtain. He was curious about the doubling of prices for text messages charged by the major American carriers from 2005 to 2008, during a time when the industry consolidated from six major companies to four.

So, in September, Mr. Kohl sent a letter to Verizon Wireless, AT&T, Sprint and T-Mobile, inviting them to answer some basic questions about their text messaging costs and pricing.

I get unlimited text messaging for ten bucks a month. What an outrage.
Reportedly, Verizon Wireless, AT&T, Sprint and T-Mobile sent the Senator text messages in response:

AT&T: ^URS

Sprint: 4Q

T-Mobile: ADAD. AFAHMASP. BIOIYA.

I think T-Mobile went a bit too far. …Germans.

Take That, Oprah

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Newsweek lists the most powerful people on earth.

0. Obammy (of course)

…

42. Osama Bin Laden

…

Hee Hee

…

47. Oprah Winfrey

Not even Top 20? Five peeps lower than a guy who may not be alive and is living in a cave.

…and she gave away 276 Pontiac G6’s.

Bummer.

…

6,700,000,000 Last Guy on Earth
6,700,000,001 AngryClown 

But that’s okay. I didn’t see “Johnny Roosh” on the list at all.

I’m Dreaming of a Green Christmas!

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Here at the Hopey Changey Roosh household, we are concerned for the environment too.

We’re all wearing Green to celebrate the coming rescue by Brrr Ack! Obanana of our besieged Mother Earth.

After reading Mitch’s alarming post, I convened an ad hoc family symposium! Starting today, we only turn on our L.E.D. Christmas (er – sorry to offend) X-Mas lights during off-peak hours (2:20-2:40 AM) so please stop by then to enjoy their glorious splendor.

We have our thermostat set for a cozy 52 degrees, but we’re a Snuggly-Wuggly clan! Plus, we have discovered coats and snow pants aren’t just for the outdoors any more! Yay!

Our Turkey was interviewed before we chose it to make sure that it wasn’t mistreated, and we made sure to buy one that died of old age.

Yum.

In order to thwart Global Warming Cooling Change, we are walking to Church as a family this year! It’s 4.9 miles by car but we should be able to shave some of that by cutting through yards and crossing streets diagonally, like The Crosstown Highway 62. It’ll be a swell time to try out our new Vegan-Tanned Ethical Leather shoes!

Gift-giving is another way to express your rage for the Bush Administration, Corporations, Employers, Wall Street, Exxon, SUV Owners, Methane-Leaking Cows, Taxpayers, Jon Voight, God-Fearing Bible Bangers, Plumbers and Hockey Moms.

First of all, we’re really into recycling, so all of our gifts are recycled this year too!

I can’t wait to see the look on Great Grandpa’s face when he unwraps my son’s Playstation 2! We didn’t want to contribute to the slaughter of our forests so we wrapped it in Saran Wrap.

A guy in the cube next to me says he read an email from an old girlfriend whose Mom’s boyfriend knows a lab assistant that said manufacturing new gifts releases more carbon trioxide into the environment which has created a massive tidal wave of Arctic runoff that is heading towards Florida and is going to come ashore next Wednesday.

So we did our part.

Not to worry, the kids won’t be disappointed! They’re all getting their own Starter Kits for Change! Wait ’till all their little friends see this!

…a super-cool, eco-friendly, gift that keeps on giving! Packed full of green goodies that include a recycled, reusable tote bag, and arbor day tree seedling or “tree in a box”, fair trade hot chocolate, a treeless journal, soduku booklet, compact fluorescent light bulb, gratitude cards, and an envelope to end hunger.

Fun! Yay!

My Husband Went For A Job Interview and Never Came Back

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I was viewing a news video on CNN.com and the obligatory pre-commercial was for openings at the CIA.

What does it mean for our Men In Black if they need to advertise? There’s no waiting list, what with all the cool toys and mysterious women you meet?

Are you qualified?

The CIA has very high standards for hiring. Some suggestions they offer on their public website for people who may be interested in CIA jobs are:

  • Be a U.S. citizen
  • Strengthen verbal and written communication skills
  • Keep a clean record-that means absolutely no involvement with illegal drugs and no criminal activity at all, because no one can work for the CIA without a security clearance
  • Hone foreign language skills

Hey, wait a minute. The President of the United States doesn’t even need all that! U.S. Citizen? Pfffft!

Successful applicants must go through a rigorous background investigation (emphasis mine-JR) and physical and psychological testing.

Like the President? Ah, never mind.

Then I learned this piece of information that I am sure the Government doesn’t want you to know.

I was visiting the site www.c[CLICK]

Hillary Can’t Be SecState: The Emollients Clause

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President Elect Obama has hit a small speed bump with his selection of HRC as the constitution apparently contains a little-known circuit breaker to prevent a move from her seat in the Senate to the President’s Cabinet.

What’s a little matter like the Constitution among friends? That’s a question a few legal eagles are asking as they note that Hillary Clinton can’t become Secretary of State thanks to something called the Emoluments Clause of the Constitution.

The Emollients Clause of the Constitution refers to an appointed or elected official’s “prudent and regular practice to apply moisture-retention and softening compounds to the exposed areas of the epidermis.” You see in olden times, congressional leaders and cabinet members had to travel days, often weeks to traverse long distances across our burgeoning nation to serve in its Capitol.

Exposure to the elements, and the resultant chafing, rash and dryness could cause great discomfort and would often hinder or even prevent the discharge of one’s duty to our young nation.

The Emollients Clause was enacted to require the use of (then rudimentary) skin care creams and lotions to protect against these hazards so as to assure consistent attendance in Congress in order to expedite and secure the work of the legislative and executive branches of our republic.

Emollients leave your skin feeling soft by depositing moisture into your skin. These tend to be a bit greasy but definitely have a great benefit for your skin. Another common emollient is mineral oil.

In the modern age, The Emollients Clause suffers diminished relevance as modern transportation methods in closed vehicles and aircraft have greatly reduced travel time and exposure to the elements.

Furthermore, skin care regimens have become universally affordable and have enjoyed widespread adoption in most states, especially the northern tier and Alaska.

Nonetheless, the law, while ostensibly outdated, is still on the books. Clearly, Ms. Rodham Clinton must demonstrate compliance or risk confirmation of her appointment.

But is it too late?

A close examination of Hillary’s facial skin shows the unmistakable effects of early aging, frowning, bitching, dryness and wrinkling. All are the hallmarks of poor skin care and the failure to moisturize.

Hillary knows this. Bill surely knows this. Now Obama, and soon Congress will know this and they will be forced to take corrective action – they must deny the confirmation of Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State.

Hillary is not above the law. She must be ordered to moisturize and she must begin today.

Hey Rocky, Watch Me Pull A Rabbit Out Of My Hat!

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The Occupier of the Office of The President-Elect Barry Oprah reveals his National Suckurity Team, which of course includes Mrs. Bill Clinton, a fervent rival who roundly criticized The President-Defect during the primaries, but now: BFF!

Mr. Obama essentially said Americans should not take too seriously some of the things said during “the heat of a campaign.”

Really, Mr. Oprah, sir? It will be quite interesting to see just exactly how far you get with that ticket once you step into the Oval Office and find out how utterly unprepared you are for the job (and that it’s a smoke-free workplace), and start doing the math on all the promises you made to win the White House for the people who’d been waiting for you to be the people for whom they were waiting.

Some examples I think you’ll have an unfunny challenge with:

    1. Give a tax break to 95% of Americans (better hurry up, you don’t want to piss off 95% of Americans – especially those clinging to their guns)
    2. “If you make under $250,000, you will not see your taxes increase by a single dime. Not your income taxes, not your payroll taxes, not your capital gains taxes. Nothing.” (“Read My Lips?” I wonder how he will be paying for the expanded child and dependent care tax credit, the expanded earned income tax credit, the universal mortgage credit, the $1,000 emergency energy rebate to families, weatherizing 1 million homes annually, and lowering health care costs for the typical family by $2,500 a year?)
    3. Dramatically simplify tax filings so that millions of Americans will be able to do their taxes in less than five minutes (a lot of people that voted for Obama think tax returns are actually grant applications; why bother with filing? Let’s just give them all government debit cards)
    4. Match 50% of retirement savings up to $1,000 for families earning less than $75,000 (because saving for your retirement shouldn’t be so hard, or even your own responsibility – behold, the C.R.A. of the retirement industry)
    5. Give American businesses a $3,000 tax credit for every job they create in the U.S. (unless they make more than $250,000 $150,000 $100,000 $75,000)
    6. Make employers offer seven paid sick days per year (Mr. Carter sir, can we just combine #5 and #6? Why don’t you just give the $3000 directly to the sickly so we don’t have to hire him; and why stop at seven? Seems so arbitrary. Besides, work is hard. People should have the right to work, or not work)
    7. Sign into law an employee free choice act — aka card check — to make it easier for unions to organize (that way once the Unions are done destroying the airline and automotive industries they can move on to retail, hospitality, and health care)
    8. Cut spending on unproven missile defense systems (Let’s wait until a missile destroys New York City)
    9. Demand higher standards and more accountability from our teachers (best wait until your second term for that one – let ’em all vote for you one more time first)
    10. Go through the budget, line by line, ending programs we don’t need (like the military?) and making the ones we do need (like the pork in Illinois, only bigger and better, Senator?) work better and cost less

Just put the budget up on a teleprompter. He won’t Change anything, but at least some of us will feel better about it.

Truth In Advertising Granting

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2008 Grants Recipients Artist Initiative

Media arts

Number of grants: 12
Total dollars granted: $59,000

Mauricio Arango, Saint Paul
$5,000 — to produce a video essay dealing with the lives of the inhabitants of the town of San Jose de Apartado in northern Colombia…so I don’t have to get a job.

Peter B. Becker Nelson, Minneapolis
$6,000 — to purchase video equipment and create a new video work that explores themes of relationships, empathy, sexuality, and gender…so I don’t have to get a job.

Paul R. Danhauser, Minneapolis
$5,200 — for a two-dimensional animated short film called “Bitter and Crabby” that deals with cute cartoon characters who are confronted by real-world morality…so I don’t have to get a job.

Amber Ellison Walker, Minneapolis
$2,000 — to increase the post-production quality of her video work and the overall quality of her publicity materials, and to have her work seen by a broader audience…so she doesn’t have to get a job.

Timothy A. Fort, Inver Grove Heights
$6,000 — for the creation of a professional broadcast-quality video of his kinetic art for Internet and television distribution…so he doesn’t have to get a job.

Nathaniel H. Freeman, Minneapolis
$6,000 — for a sixteen-stage video installation that shows the opening scene of sixteen imagined narratives, all informed by the people and events of his northeast Minneapolis neighborhood…so they don’t have to get a job.

Heather R. Johnson, Minneapolis
$5,000 — for a documentary film, titled, “No Ugly Trees,” that explores women’s body and self-esteem issues…so I don’t have to get a job.

Daniel J. Lundquist, Bloomington
$5,000 — for creative time to finish hand coloring “Boris,” an animation about overcoming difficult circumstances to live a happy life…so I don’t have to get a job.

Kevin S. McKeever, Saint Paul
$800 — to produce duplicates of his documentary that examines one man’s success in helping inner-city youths rise above crime and violence, prepare and produce related publicity packets, and submit the film to festivals…so he doesn’t have to get a job.

Pamela Nice, Saint Paul
$6,000 — for funds to help film interviews in Twin Cities coffeehouses for her next documentary, “Desert in the Coffeehouse,” a film that asks what Minnesotans know about Arab and Muslim lives…so I don’t have to get a job in a coffeehouse.

James M. Vogel, Minneapolis
$6,000 — for funds to film an observational documentary about drug abuse…so I don’t have to get a job and actually pass a drug test.

Rosemary T. Williams, Saint Paul
$6,000 — to film the documentary “Futures,” which will document open call trading at the last few North American exchanges that have not switched to digital trading…so I don’t have to get an analog job in a digital world.