Campaign 2026
By Mitch Berg
SCENE: The headquarters of the Democrat Farmer Labor Party, in Saint Paul. Chair Richard CARLBON is convening a meeting of key Democrat activists, including Tim WALZ, Keith ELLISON, Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK, Avery LIBRELLE, Inge “Lucky” CARROLL, And Evan Micah BRYAN.
WALZ: Damn. This damn fraud damn scandal is damn causing a damn lot of damn trouble.
CARLBOM: We’re not on camera, Tim.
WALZ: Doh. I’m a knucklehead. This fraud scandal is causing a lot of trouble.
BIRKENSTOCK: So what do we do?
CARROLL: Rebrand “finding fraud” as racist?
BRYAN: We have been doing that. It’s not working quite like it used to.
ELLISON: We can tell the media who’s boss.
CARROLL: On it.
CARLBOM: No bad ideas, folks. But I think I’ve got it.
(The room hushes)
CARLBOM: We run as the anti-fraud party!
WALZ: Damn yeah damn we damn tell people damn damn damn damn
(BIRKENSTOCK rises, takes Walz’s hand, leads him from the room)
BRYAN: You mean, go at all these allegations of seven years of fraud while we controlled the executive branch and most of the Legislature by saying we were always the party that fought fraud.
CARLBOM: Yep.
ELLISON: But what about the Somalis?
CARLBOM: Pfffft. We throw them under the bus.
LIBRELLE: Isn’t that a little bit cynical?
CARLBOM: It’s a lot cynical. That’s what I do. We burn one group of immigrants, we bring in another group of migrants. Palestinians are hot right now.
(Nods and murmurs of assent around the room)
CARROLL: Hm. Kind of Orwellian.
CARLBOM: Of course it is. And it works. It’s always worked before. Minnesotans just aren’t that smart.
(Muted assent around the table)
BRYAN: People are pretty stupid.
CARLBOM: That’s our unofficial motto. OK. Make it happen!
and SCENE
December 31st, 2025 at 8:19 am
“We have been fighting fraud for years. Okay, yes, a small number slipped through despite our efforts, but just think how much worse it could have been. By our estimates, we have stopped or prevented more than eleventy billion dollars of fraud and it would have been even more if not for Trump’s interference.”
December 31st, 2025 at 9:37 am
as a “laboratory of democracy” MN has done truly exemplary work in the last 2 decades;
through the candidacy and subsequent administration of Mark Dayton mn illustrated that non compos mentis was not a barrier to service and that in fact the courtiers were more than capable of running the government. The Dayton Proof Of Concept made Joe Biden’s candidacy and (Autopen) Presidency possible. It also paved the way for next step Tampon Tim who has proven that it is possible to completely loot the public treasury.
MN will have a special place in history!
January 3rd, 2026 at 1:45 am
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January 5th, 2026 at 2:22 pm
Proud to be the biggest funder of Somali terrorists….yikes! Seriously, I’m thinking that the prosecutions are going to be tough because there was apparently so little effort at oversight, and because the money is overseas for the most part already.