Now, Let’s See…
By Mitch Berg
Bill Sparkman was murdered by anti-government zealots spurred to a homicidal rage by Michele Bachmann and the Northern Alliance. Er, wait. Nope. My bad.
Then the guy who crashed a plane into the IRS office in Texas was a tea-bagging mouth-breathing conservative. Oops.
Then the guy who shot the Pentagon cops ended up being a Glenn-Beck-listening dittohead. D’oh. This isn’t going well at all.
OK – any guesses how this “story” turns out?
A woman talking on a cell phone during a movie didn’t take kindly to being “shushed” by another moviegoer. Or at least her boyfriend didn’t.
In a drama that turned more lively than the one on screen — “Shutter Island” — the boyfriend allegedly attacked and stabbed the “shusher” in the neck with a meat thermometer. Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore said the stabbing occured Saturday during a screening of the Martin Scorsese film.
Remember – if we ban kitchen accessories, only criminals will have them:
The victim was attacked by the woman’s boyfriend and another man. Deputies say he was stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer.
Anyone checked Kos lately?
March 11th, 2010 at 9:33 am
Next up — the “revelation” that Sarah Palin’s parents sometimes sought healthcare in Canada in the 1960s is revealed to be the reason that Richard Speck raped and killed 8 student nurses in Chicago in the 1960s.
March 11th, 2010 at 10:04 am
I usually bring hot dog tongs. They can be quite intimidating.
March 11th, 2010 at 10:33 am
Ala Bill Murray in “Stripes”, I’m a spatula guy, myself.
March 11th, 2010 at 10:54 am
If you ban meat thermometers in movie theaters, only criminals will bring meat thermometers to the movies. Sounds like we all better start packing meat…thermometers.
March 11th, 2010 at 11:20 am
Meat thermometer control is the only reasonable policy, but you wingnuts will oppose that too.
March 11th, 2010 at 11:26 am
And I thought I was the only person who always brings a meat thermometer to the theater. Unless it is live theater. Then it’s a baster.
March 11th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
Meat thermometer……….Don’t leave home without it!
March 11th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
No kidding, wingnuts. Leave the comedy to Mitch. He’s the only one of you who can do funny.
March 11th, 2010 at 12:59 pm
too bad the person attacked wasn’t packing. More guns=less crime. Never bring a meat thermometer to a gun fight.
March 11th, 2010 at 1:19 pm
too bad the person attacked wasn’t packing
Dunno. Depending on local laws, using a gun in self-defense in a crowded theater might be a hard affirmative defense.
March 11th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Leave the comedy to Mitch. He’s the only one of you who can do funny.
Clown is an excellent evaluator of such things — anyone who has spent his life cheering for the Mets has seen plenty of hilarity.
March 11th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Being lectured on comedy by AC is like being lectured on _____ by _____. (fill in the blanks)
March 11th, 2010 at 2:41 pm
I hope the oersin attacked will be ok.
I wonder how using a meat thermometer will affect what the attacker is charged with doing….I can’t imagine meat thermometers were ever considered by lawmakers in criminal statute legislation.
March 11th, 2010 at 2:44 pm
Being lectured on comedy by AC is like being lectured on _level-headed commentary_ by _Keith Olbermann_.
Being lectured on comedy by AC is like being lectured on _physical fitness_ by _Michael Moore_.
Being lectured on comedy by AC is like being lectured on _bipartisanship_ by _Nancy Pelosi_.
Being lectured on comedy by AC is like being lectured on _investigative reporting_ by _Dan Rather_.
I could go on…
March 11th, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Being lectured on comedy by AC is like being lectured on _subtlety____ by __a Panzer division___.
March 11th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
Being lectured on comedy by AC is like being lectured on _acting_ by _Keanu Reeves _ .
March 11th, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Being lectured on comedy by AC is like being lectured on how to behave at a party by Eric Massa.
Being lectured on comedy by AC is like being lectured on locker room etiquette by Rham Emanuel.
Being lectured on comedy by AC is like being lectured on how to behave in a men’s airport bathroom by Larry Craig.
Being lectured on comedy by AC is like being lectured on how to reason and use common sense by Jesse Ventura.
This shit writes itself, more later maybe.
March 11th, 2010 at 5:07 pm
Dunno. Depending on local laws, using a gun in self-defense in a crowded theater might be a hard affirmative defense.
Just more proof you’re a closet liberal, Mitch.
March 12th, 2010 at 4:02 pm
I wonder how using a meat thermometer will affect what the attacker is charged with doing….I can’t imagine meat thermometers were ever considered by lawmakers in criminal statute legislation.
I imagine it will fall under the same category as a knife. It’s sharp enough to draw blood and cause gross internal injury.
March 16th, 2010 at 4:51 pm
eewww, that’s gross.