Coming Soon To An “Elite” Institution Near You

Joe Doakes from Como Park emails:

Transcript of remarks:
“May I have your attention please?  Thank you.  Welcome to your first day at Harvard Law School.  As you may know, this year’s class is Special: there are no White students, no Asian students, certainly no Hispanics, only Black students, to make up for centuries of racist oppression.  Congratulations on being selected for our first Reparations Endeavor.  I see a hand up, yes, do you have a question?

No, there are no courses on your course schedule. The courses here are geared for brilliant and hard-working people, which, judging from your grades and test scores, includes few of you.  If you were to take our courses and be graded honestly, you’d all fail miserably and be kicked out.  That would generate terrible publicity for the school which would defeat the purpose of having you in the first place; therefore, you will attend no courses while at this school.  Instead, courses have been replaced with attendance-optional discussion sessions geared to your level of ability, in which students will discuss their feelings about law, oppression, discrimination and, of course, slavery, plus everyone will be awarded internships with major civil rights organizations like BLM and Antifa to gain hands-on experience bringing about social change through direct action.  Yes, over there, another question?

Not to worry, everyone will be getting straight A’s.  Class rank?  We have a new system for class rank.  Each of you is A Class of Your Own.  Everyone will graduate First in Class, be selected Valedictorian and have an opportunity to give a speech (on Zoom, because Covid) to your friends and relatives.  Yes, you on the right? 

Well, no, I don’t suppose you will learn much law here. But that’s not really a change, is it?  I mean, you’ve been Affirmative Action recipients all your lives. Special breaks in high school, special admission to college, special grading there . . . you’ll notice none of you took the GRE to test your knowledge in your major area of study, some of you took the LSAT which is a general knowledge bullshit exam, but most of you were given a test waiver on account of your race.  Subject matter expertise has never been expected of you; why start now?  In the red shirt, yes, your question?
No, no! Perish the thought.  Your Harvard Law Degree won’t be worthless: it’s worth half a million dollars each, to the school. Plus you will receive a handsome diploma, suitable for framing, at no additional cost.  Speak up, please, young lady, your question? 
How will you get a job if you don’t know anything?  Oh, don’t worry about that.  Big law firms will be falling all over themselves to hire a Black Woman like you.  They desperately need to fill quotas for their HR departments.  Moving on, yes, you there?

Well, now, I don’t know that I’d put it that way.  Calling yourself a ‘token’ is so harsh. And besides, better to be a ‘token’ in a major firm than not working in a major firm at all, right?  I mean, it’s no secret you’re an Affirmative Action graduate, they knew that the moment they laid eyes on you. In fact in your case, Duante, is it?  They knew it when they received your resume, which is why your resume rose to the top of the pile ahead of better qualified students named Chad or Tiffany, Yang or Levi.  

I see so many hands, I think it’s time to end this introductory session so I can hand you off to your personal Diversity and Inclusion Deans, one for each student.  They’ll help you feel good about yourselves and your role here in this historic class.  Welcome to Harvard and remember: you are Special!”

Joe Doakes

Today’s satire is tomorrow’s journalism.

And to the inevitable chirping “That’s racist” from the usual pack of pseudonymous progressive trolls: what do you call simultaneously piddling on academic merit and making race – absent all over context – a primary social determiner?

If it were in regard to sending people to prison rather than the finishing school for America’s “elite”, it’d be pretty unconscionable, wouldn’t it?

5 thoughts on “Coming Soon To An “Elite” Institution Near You

  1. Truth merges with fiction. The elite Minnesota college I attended for 2.5 years but departed is set to roll out its new Diversity Inclusion Equity (DIE) plan in the near future. I get all the updates because for fund raising purposes it still considers me an alumnus. In the past I have donated some, but likely no more, The appalling stench of Wokeness permeates the place. I confess to owning a morbid fascination with the details of the plan. It’s possible it thinks it can attract sufficient numbers of highly qualified minority students to achieve success, but I’m skeptical. Every single elite college is out to do the same. If you believe the conclusions of The Bell Curve, it’s a fool’s errand. There won’t be an asterisk on the diplomas it issues. There will be no need.

  2. This may be closer to becoming reality than some of us are comfortable with it being. An ex-girlfriend studied law at Hamline. I recall her complaining to me about a classroom discussion where the right-leaning professor was fostering a debate regarding a polarizing social issue with the mostly left-leaning third-year students. My ex, whom was also left of center, was amazed at the many weak, emotional arguments being constructed in place of arguing the law. Most of them went on to graduate and most of them passed the bar exam. That was 15 years ago.

  3. The Grutter v Bollinger decision that green-lighted discrimination in college admissions has some interesting features.
    1) The court approved only a narrow exception to the 14th amendments guarantee of equal protection.
    2) The court did so because it believed that this exception helped the entire student body, not because it helped under represented minorities.

    Our CRT addled universities practice the very broadest application of race based preferences specifically to help under represented races.

  4. Diversity Inclusion Equity (DIE) plan

    What an unfortunate acronym. Why am I not surprised that no one caught it and the committee (because there HAD to have been a committee) approved it?

    Or maybe they were thinking of the feminine article in German.

    DEI? Latin for the christianist g_d. Are you crazy?
    EID? Muslim holiday. While we want to include and celebrate our Muslim friends and colleagues, it could offend practitioners other religions like Kwanzaa. And it is too close to EIB which is unfortunately tied to that (thankfully departed) racist, Rush Limbaugh,
    EDI? An acronym for Electronic Data Interchange. This is too closely tied to the evil white supremacy and patriarchy in capitalism
    IDE? Computer architecture. a by-product of patriarchal white supremacist capitalism (except Apple….PBUSJ)
    IED? Makes people think of the tools used by those poor oppressed rebels in the Middle East, especially Palestine – victims of the fascists in Israel.

    Guess we stick with DIE.

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