The Right People
By Mitch Berg
SCENE: Mitch BERG is waiting to see the movie “Darkest Hour” at a local theater. Avery LIBRELLE, walking out of a showing of “Brokeback Mountain Part 2: The Payback”, notices BERG before he notices…er, LIBRELLE.
LIBRELLE: Hey, Merg!
BERG: Er, hey, Avery. What’s up?
LIBRELLE: Guns are out of control! The US has the highest murder rate of any industrIalized country!
BERG: Well, for starters, that’s not true – Brazil and Russia and South Africa have much higher murder rates than we do. But I’m curious – why do you limit it to “industralized” countries? Because the US murder rate, overall, is 94th in the world, per capita. Which is waaaaay down in the middle of the pack. Mexico and Russia’s murder rates are twice as nigh; Brazil’s five times; South Africa’s, seven times higher than ours.
LIBRELLE: But you should only compare apples to apples?
BERG: Why? When it comes to murder rates, what logical sense does that make? I mean, I know why your side does it – but why do you think that is?
LIBRELLE: You tell me!
BERG: Because Big Left only cares about dead white people. That’s why you never hear “gun safety” advocates talking about crime in places like El Salvador, Nicaragua, the US Virgin Islands or Brazil, anymore than you do about places like Chicago, Newark, Camden, Baltimore, Saint Louis, Detroit, Cleveland, Stockton or Oakland.
LIBRELLE: Why would we talk about the murder rate in Chicago, Newark, Camden, Baltimore, Saint Louis, Detroit, Cleveland, Stockton or Oakland? We should compare apples and apples.
BERG They’re in America.
LIBRELLE: Are they?
BERG: (Stares vacaintly for a moment). Interesting point.
LIBRELLE: Rethugs are so stupid.
(And SCENE)
January 3rd, 2018 at 11:29 am
$10 says Learned Foot will be first in line to see “Brokeback Mountain Part 2: The Payback” when its released.
January 3rd, 2018 at 11:39 am
1. Learned Foot likely has a screen credit as Legal Council to the Producer and/or Set Landscaper.
2. Submitting this exchange to the Strib as part of Avery Librelle’s application as Jon Tevlin’s replacement will enhance “they’re” prospects of getting the job. Help a brother/sister/?? out would you please, Mitch?
January 3rd, 2018 at 1:35 pm
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January 3rd, 2018 at 5:44 pm
(Scene): A field of sage grass. Ennis rises, sweating, from the prone form of Jack.
Over the hill, a lone cowboy gallop, spurring his horse wildly.
Ennis: Joe Tucci, zat you pard?
Tucci: Curious…Anything left for me?
January 8th, 2018 at 10:11 am
That was a dramatization…?
It almost seemed as if they had had a bug on my shirt collar and listened-in on any of quite a number of holiday conversations I had at the local diner!
I’ve noticed that as time passes, the difficulty of parodying proggies — and successfully accomplishing said parody w|o stepping on an actually occurred prior incident — follows an asymtotic curve.
Although it never becomes quite impossible to avoid restatement of an actual prior event while attempting parody, it has become… for all practical purposes… unsatisfactorily difficult. It’s simply easier to reference the prior behavor and pretend the exaggeration.
– Gordon