Shot in the Dark

Virtue Whistles

SCENE:  Mitch BERG is shopping in the dairy aisle at Target in Roseville.  

Suddenly, Avery LIBRELLE rounds the corner.  With LIBRELLE is Ashley FIGG, a young woman of apparently mixed but minority-ish ethnicity.  

LIBRELLE:   Merg!  It’s time for you to admit your privilege!

BERG:  OK.  I was born into an intact family who made sure I stayed in school, kept my pants zipped until I could support a family, and ensured I grew up knowing that actions had consequences.

LIBRELLE:   No, no, no.  You’re white!  I want to introduce you to Ashley Figg.  She is a student at Macalester College.

BERG:  Ms. Figg.

(FIGG glowers at BERG)

LIBRELLE:  We’re going to have a debate!

BERG:  A debate?

LIBRELLE:  Yes.  First, Ms. Figg.

BERG:  …I”m not really…

FIGG:   You are white.  You have privilege.

LIBRELLE:  Your turn, Merg.

BERG:  Um, OK.  Ms. Figg, what is it you would have us do about this “privilege” you talk about.

FIGG:  The fact that you even ask is racist.

BERG:  Um, how do you figure?

FIGG:  That’s racist, too.

BERG:  Seeking clarity in the discussion is “racist?”

FIGG:   You’re using your power over me.  That’s racist.

BERG:  That’s just bizarre.

FIGG:  F**k you.  I hate you.  I hope you die.

BERG:  (Turns to LIBRELLE):  Er, Avery?  What’s the…

LIBRELLE:  We should stop the debate…

BERG:  …um, yeah?

LIBRELLE:  Because clearly, Merg, you are racist.

BERG:  What, now?  I never mentioned race.

LIBRELLE:   You were using your power, being a racist.   Being a racist, race is endemic in everything you say, and do, and don’t say, and don’t do.  Right, Ashley?

(FIGG glowers)

BERG:  Lavrentiy Beria called.  He said “dial back the kangaroo”.

LIBRELLE:   And now you’re mansplaining.

BERG:  (Looks beyond FIGG and LIBRELLE).  Hey, look – it’s Hillary Clinton!  And she’s giving out suckers!

(LIBRELLE and FIGG wheel around, as BERG slips away)

(And SCENE)

(LIghts fade up in screening room.  BERG is sitting in the middle of the room.  A few rows behind, covered in popcorn debris and spilled soda, are Edmund DUCHEY and CAT SCAT, bloggers with “MinnesotaLiberalAlliance.Blogspot.com” a possibly fictional Minnesota liberal blog.  )

(DUCHEY leaps to his feet, scattering popcorn debris in all directions)

DUCHEY:  Merg!  Unless you can prove every word in that film short was true, you’re a liar!.  (Pauses to wipe drool from his chin).

BERG:  It’s satire.  It’s meant to illustrate larger truths through a caricature of people and events.  In this case, that the left’s social justice warrior class has become simultaneously obsessed with virtue-signaling, McCarthyistic witch-hunting and public shaming of dissenters, while simultaneously becoming less able to state a coherent case.

SCAT:  The fact is, the law says you have to have a degree in satire from an Ivy League school to practice it!

BERG:  You’re making that up.

DUCHEY:  So you’re saying it never happened?  Hah!

BERG:  Actually, of the dozens and dozens of these “dramatization” scenarios I’ve written in recent years, this one may be the least fictional of all.

DEUS (EX MACHINA, via thunderstorm).  You’re kidding?

(Urine stain appears on DUCHEY’s pants)

BERG:  (Looking upward)  Nope.    It pretty much happened.

DEUS EX MACHINA:  Wow.

(And SCENE)

 

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Comments

15 responses to “Virtue Whistles”

  1. SmithStCrx Avatar
    SmithStCrx

    I remember one that was pretty much copied verbatim from a comment thread. About the only “dramatization” involved was changing the names and combining2 people into one. If this is less dramatized than that one it can mean only one thing. You must shop at the Roseville Target.

  2. kel Avatar
    kel

    yep, since the Freeman announcement you can’t even speak about the case of that estimable gentleman Jamar Clark without loudly virtue bellowing or you will be labeled a vile racist.

  3. Chuck Avatar
    Chuck

    You had me at “She is a student at Macalester College”.

  4. Mr. D Avatar
    Mr. D

    This is why I shop at the Target in Shoreview.

  5. DoggoneSmartLiberal Avatar
    DoggoneSmartLiberal

    Aw Mitch, you seem to be swallowing the misogynistic koolaid that is part of the problem.

    You have left out how very much assistance minority communities, especially female minorities, provide AGAINST racism. It is precisely that attitude that you display that alienates young women of color because of bigotry that is both religious and ethnic based. It is hostility and suspicion, lack of jobs, lack of being inclusive that is a large part of the problem.

    Gee, I have a family member, a Community Organizer in the metro, and no, I’m not getting any sense that there is any such thing as you suggest in the twin cities. What you say is shit. Quite vocal though, those folks in the Community Organization community, about the dangers from the right wing, bigoted, misogynistic, racist, heavily armed militia wing nuts.

    Of course the demeanor of FBI agents changes when right wing crackpots get on their anti-immigrant hobby horses with questions; it’s because you are a bunch of fucking shit ass bigots who are part of the problem here. Hate and fear from you begets hate and fear in others in response.

    Seriously, do any of you idiots KNOW any Women of Color personally? Ever ATTENDED a poetry slam – they do community outreach, in attempts to counteract the fear mongering ignorance you propaganda pushers circulate.

    We NEED minorities, we need the help of people from these cultures, not the least of which as translators. Have you tried to buy a Prius lately? YOU CAN’T! Because they can’t speak English, and can’t write in their native languages due to WHITE PRIVILEGE IN SOMALIA AND MEXICO. But it is the right wing nuts who want to prohibit them from serving in public schools. Making these people second class citizens, in ghetto like neighborhoods turned into police states, and unable to travel because of fears WHITE BIGOTS will not allow them to plug their Leaf’s into a conveniently located outlet. AND IT IS YOU MERG, THAT ARE TO BLAME!

    I expect we will see more attempts at terrorism, not because Muslims are evil and conspiring against us, but because of shit white males and their fucking stupid blogs that get more hits in one day than mine did last year. It is one of the few last gasp tactics left to minority Community Organizers when they are having trouble finding the money to buy cars, or get a decent latte or pay their cable bills in Minneapolis. The Mayor of Minneapolis opined that their attempts to expand into Nokomis have been the best thing to actually bring white families, men especially, down to their knees, where they belong. Female minorities might be the one thing that successfully unifies America to cleanse our land from BIGOTED, WHITE MEN.

    I HOPE YOU ALL DIE!!!! AAAAAAARRRGH!!! FUCK! SHIT! PISS! I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Please give my best to pumpkin.

  6. Joe Doakes Avatar
    Joe Doakes

    Okay, DoggoneSmartLibera, I admit, you had me going. Good one. I was sailing along, believing you really were Dog Gone, right up until I hit the profanity. Dog Gone foams at the mouth and darts off in all directions – you’ve got that down cold – but her use of profanity is more subtle. Give you an 8 for this effort.

  7. Mitch Berg Avatar
    Mitch Berg

    DG,

    Any statement that starts “you have left out…” is disposable. It’s another way of saying “your statement doesn’t make my point for me”.

    Which I’m not gonna do, especially when your point is utterly unrelated.

  8. Mitch Berg Avatar
    Mitch Berg

    I have a family member, a Community Organizer in the metro, and no, I’m not getting any sense that there is any such thing as you suggest in the twin cities. What you say is shit.

    Of course you do, and of course it is.

    It could be no other way.

  9. DoggoneSmartLiberal Avatar
    DoggoneSmartLiberal

    Oh Joe, there you go again. As I’ve proven so effectively so many many times, you are so bad when it comes to facts.

    Because you are a White MAN, it always seemed both impossible and unlikely a strong Liberal woman can effectively attack racism and bigotry as if we were from the same group; but it was not the only possibility. And groups sometimes take credit for the swear words of others.

    I have used better sources on a regular basis, as any of my more then 100,000 loyal readers will testify. And Hillary will be an excellent, fact based President, teaching men the virtue of femininity and community zealots know that has been fact checked many, many times.

    For a source in English on successful attacks against BIGOTED WHITE MEN you might try Shakesville; they have an excellence, much on the factual details.

    So once again, you align with Nazis trying to peddle fear of the words.

    Before you get too thrilled, you fascist, rightwing nutjob, you might want to ask Mitch if his garage really did meet all his needs. The facts say no.

  10. justplainangry Avatar
    justplainangry

    So once again, you align with Nazis trying to peddle fear of the words.

    Um? Uh? (lost for a list of approved words)

  11. Prince of Darkness_666 Avatar
    Prince of Darkness_666

    Are you people intent on making hell on earth possible?

  12. Prince of Darkness_666 Avatar
    Prince of Darkness_666

    FYI Jamar Clark is a punk. He’s being passed around here like a $5 hooker at a frat party

  13. Night Writer Avatar
    Night Writer

    DoggoneSmartLiberal. tl;dr

    😉

  14. bosshoss429 Avatar
    bosshoss429

    I believe that someone got to Jamar’s girlfriend, because she’s spinning the story that she called for help and accused Jamar of assaulting her. She’s now denying that she was ever assaulted and doesn’t know where the story came from.

  15. Night Writer Avatar
    Night Writer

    Did she also say that while she was in the ambulance she heard the paramedics say, “Hey, look at that black guy standing over there – bet you a dollar we call the police and really mess up his life”?

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