Name-Dropping
By Mitch Berg
SCENE: Mitch BERG is at a large gas station in Minnetonka, MN. Having just bought gas, he’s looking for a new windshield wiper. He turns down the aisle marked “Windshield Wipers/Condiments/Magazines Showing People Getting Hit In The Groin”, and notices Gutterball GARY – a blogger at the (possibly fictional) progressive blog “MinnesotaLiberalAlliance.Blogspot.com“, who describes his hobbies as bowling, heckling people, and shouting really loud – reading a magazine.
BERG tries to backpedal out of the aisle, but GARY notices him.
GARY: Hey, Merg! You’re stupid!
BERG: Nothing my mother doesn’t say.
GARY: The Second Amendment is not an individual right!
BERG: Well, the Supreme Court in the Heller and McDonald cases disagreed, and made it both a precedent and incorporated it to the states.
GARY: You’re stupid and you have no idea what you’re talking about! Justice Burger said the Second Amendment was “a fraud on the American public.”
BERG: So?
GARY: He was a conservative!
BERG: Maybe compared to Nixon, who appointed him, but not really. And he was really arguing a strawman; he was saying the Second Amendment doesn’t preclude regulation…
GARY: Burger disagrees with you! And he’s from Minnesota! It’s further proof you don’t know what you’re talking about! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
BERG: Um,…
GARY: …ha ha ha ha ha!
BERG: Say, Gary? In what case did Burger write that opinion?
GARY: Huh?
BERG: Was that statement from a Supreme Court, or even an appelate, case?
GARY: Huh?
BERG: The thing Burger said?
GARY: You’re stupid!
BERG: Right. It wasn’t part of a case. It was a personal opinion, in a 1990 PBS interview. It was of no more legal weight than you or me talking to PBS.
GARY: He was a conservative, and he disagrees with you, and he’s a Supreme Court judge, so you’re stupid!
BERG: Huh. So because a “conservative” SCOTUS justice had a personal, private opinion that dissents from conservative and libertarian orthodoxy, I’m stupid.
GARY: Yeah! Ha ha ha ha…
BERG: um…
GARY: …ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
BERG: So who said this: “Certainly, one of the chief guarantees of freedom under any government, no matter how popular and respected, is the right of the citizen to keep and bear arms. … The right of the citizen to bear arms is just one guarantee against arbitrary government, one more safeguard against the tyranny which now appears remote in America but which historically has proven to be always possible.”
GARY: That sounds like Ted Nugent! Which means you’re an anti-semite! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…
BERG: Actually…
GARY: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
BERG: Actually it was Hubert H. Humphrey. A “progressive”, a former Vice President and Senator, and the greatest politician Minnesota ever produced. And it’d seem he disagrees with Justice Burger.
GARY: Who cares what an anti-semite thinks?
BERG: Oh, the Nugent thing? Pfft. I didn’t even like Ted Nugent as a guitar player all that much; I certainly never appointed him my spokesperson.
GARY: Nope! Nugent is on your side, so you’re an antisemite!
BERG: Ah. So if someone were to say “With Iraq no threat, why invade a sovereign country? The answer: President Bush’s policy to secure Israel. . . . [S]preading democracy in the Mideast to secure Israel would take the Jewish vote from the Democrats.”
GARY: Sounds like Nugent or some other ReTHUGliCON.
BERG: First – I’m always amazed to hear people actually talking in caps. Second – no. It was Democrat senator Fritz Hollings.
So – does that make you anti-semitic?
GARY: You’re stupid.
BERG: Natch.
And SCENE.
February 15th, 2016 at 2:23 pm
Does it make any difference anymore?
These idiots will put the picture of George Wallace in front of Ole’ Miss captioned:
“Don’t let the Rethuglicans block (insert Democrat cause here) again !!!1!!!!111!!!!”
February 15th, 2016 at 2:31 pm
Your situational awareness is slipping, Merg. You should have been able to hear Gary’s lips moving as he read the magazine and stayed out of his aisle. Unless he was just looking at the pictures, of course.
February 15th, 2016 at 2:43 pm
Its like “Romney setup gov’t run healthcare in Mass., therefore you have to support Obamacare. If you don’t, you’re a racist”.
February 15th, 2016 at 4:19 pm
Brennan? Maybe Burger?
February 16th, 2016 at 8:08 am
Gary sounds like the kind of voter Trump is trolling for.
February 16th, 2016 at 8:23 am
You can’t fix stupid – truer words were never spoken.
February 16th, 2016 at 9:13 am
I always liked FDR’s quote about how public employee unions were a horrible idea.
Want a pro-gun quote from a Democrat, try JFK praising the NRA. He was also given a lifetime membership.
February 16th, 2016 at 10:36 am
I’m curious. Do these conversations actually take place and you simply report them verbatim, or are they “dramatized from real life”? Either way, they are certainly entertaining and incredibly accurate portrayals of what liberals claim as “thinking.”
February 16th, 2016 at 11:50 am
J,
They vary.
This one is almost directly transcribed from a real social media “conversation” with a real DFLer.
Others involve some sort of license – but as you note, they are always fiction indistinguishable from real life.
February 16th, 2016 at 12:14 pm
Even if these incidents were not transcribed verbatim, I am reliably informed that “fake but accurate” is an acceptable standard of professional journalism.
February 16th, 2016 at 4:40 pm
If you have any questions on authenticity, just look at posts on this blog from the libturds.
February 16th, 2016 at 9:17 pm
First – I’m always amazed to hear people actually talking in caps,
You must have never debated a Trump supporter in person.
February 17th, 2016 at 11:54 am
POD I would expect you to be pretty used to hearing people speaking in all caps where you’re from.