Three Or Four Races Are Plenty

I’m sitting looking over my broad, tree-lined avenue with a glass of single-malt, and the sky is blue and the white families with their happy, present-sotted kids are wandering past on their errands, and the election is over, so let’s all relax and quit irritating each other, OK? Michele Bachmann, Erik Paulsen, Jim Oberstar, Betty McCollum, John Kline, Colin Peterson and that other guy are about to take office, so all you black people just get over it. Go stock up on watermelon and spare ribs and maybe real estate in Liberia. White people still rule this country. Deal with it. Boom Shakalaka Boom.White legislators plan to bring sanity to Washington, and why not begin with Congress? It has been sorely in need of reform for a long, long time.

Democrats intend to bring reform to Washington, and why not begin with the United States Congress? It has been sorely in need of reform for a century or so. Equal representation for all people is a good idea in theory, assuming they are half smart, but then you look at Keith Ellison, an incurious frat boy from the state of Humphrey and Mondale, and you think, whoa, something is wrong with this picture. We need some horizontal control.

Let’s start at the beginning and redraw the map. First of all, is there a reason for South Central Los Angeles to have a congressional representative? I have often wondered about this. Why give a House seat to a half million wannabee gangbangers, pimps, crack addicts, prostitutes and derelicts while Utah gets one lousy House for millions of honest, hard-working people? (Compton has roughly the population of Salt Lake.) It’s OK if South Central LA sends somebody with brains and an independent streak, but when they send a couple of Black Democrat hacks, then it makes no sense.

The idea behind the Congress was to create a representative body of wise counselors who rise above the petty tumult and think noble thoughts and do the right thing in a pinch. Can you think of a time when Los Angeles’ representatives have done this? No, you can’t. So let’s bite the bullet and make Compton a federal protectorate and appoint an overseer – ooh, what a perfect word! This would be a good assignment for the Department of Housing and Urban Development. It’s done a heck of a job in south Chicago, so let’s give it all of Compton and, while we’re at it, Newark. A wonderful postcard place, but what have its congresspeople done other than grub for federal largesse for Newark? Change the name to “Housing Project # 447227” and put HUD in charge of it.

While we’re at it, let’s admit that Detroit, El Paso and Philadelphia have never been completely comfortable as part of the United States. They’ve tried to fit in, but it just isn’t working, so let’s allow them to pull out and find their own path. You could attach El Paso to Juarez and make a lovely little desert nation out of that, and let Detroit join Canada, and make Philadelphia an “independent” nation. Add Camden New Jersey to it. They really are part of the same thing. This leaves us with 40 or 50 House seats unoccupied (more if we simply assumed that all black people could be conveniently represented by a few token representatives, since they all vote the same anyway. It’s called consolidation, folks. It goes on all the time in corporate America and also in local school districts, so let’s make it work for America.

We White people will personally foot the bill for the new, incredibly convoluted district maps. This is a promise.

We now have 40 states and 20 extra Senate seats to parcel out. Give some to ex-CEOs. This would rescue them from their lonely lives on the lecture circuit and lend some pizazz to the place since they’d be free to spout off and say whatever they think. People would sit in the galleries to listen to Lee Iaccocca. He’d be down there sawing away with Donald Trump and Leona Helmsley and maybe some former bank and auto execs. Let them in the club and put that experience to use. And give congressional seats to the NRA and the GOP itself. This would definitely add brains to the assembly.

And that is how you create a permanent white majority. Al Sharpton showed us the way. Learn from the master. Those dinkeldorfs who ran the show for 40 years must never be allowed to return to power. Take those fuzzy-headed libruls to the cleaners. Subject them to alternative interrogation techniques until we get to the truth. Keith Ellison would make a decent host of a daytime quiz show. He came dangerously close to running for president. Ai yi yi yi yi. Let’s get to work.

Now, if I wrote that with a straight face, you’d probably say…

No, wait. It’s not about you. It’s about me – and my view of your reactions to the things I write.

For example, if you were to read the above and call me a racist, I could simply chuckle knowingly, wink and nod at my friends, and sniff “It’s satire, little fellow. I’m not surprised that some people just don’t get it.” We’d get a chuckle at your expense, and try to move on.

You might resopnd “but it’s not funny! It reeks of bitterness and petulance and unearned superiority, and it’s just stupid!”

I’d shake my head condescendingly and say “Um, look. I didn’t say ‘comedy’, I said ‘satire’. If you need someone to rephrase the entire thing in the form of a fart joke, call Carrot Top. He’ll explain it to you. This is satire.”

On the other hand, you might respond “look, Berg, you have a long history of taking every one of life’s little slights deeply personally. This piece bespeaks both an overwhelming sense of personal entitlement – like the world owes it to you to give you your way – as well as an almost pre-adolescent sense of petty venality”

And you’d be right.

Except, of course, that I didn’t write it.

But Garrison Keillor – who does have a childish sense of venality and does have a galloping sense of entitlement – well, he actually did write it.

No worries. I’m sure it’s just “satire”.

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10 thoughts on “Three Or Four Races Are Plenty

  1. I’m waiting to see how many outraged people didn’t read to the very end. I knew something had to be up, because it would take a brain tumor and a bender before Mitch would even remotely begin to approach those words.

  2. Someone could keep a daily blog simply recounting the prejudice, bigotry and sometimes racism of the American Left. Keillor’s worldview is stuck in the 50’s, where in his mind, nameless dungaree clad masses toil in union factrees and vote Democrat (because FDR cared for the workin’ man) and Republicans are white shoe wearing country club members of management and with the bankers (the swells – thanks, Nick) keep the workin’ man down. The other day, I came across his radio show and he was making fun of how Catholics sing. The audience giggled along in agreement. Everyone know us Cathoilics with our drinkin’ and gamblin’ and the popery making us have all those kids we can’t afford don’t much like singing hymns. Government subsidized bigotry – get your ration from NPR.

  3. So Mr. Keilor wants a 2nd Reconstruction? It’s interesting that the cultural elite views fellow Americans living in Virginia and Wyoming as our country’s greatest enemies.

  4. Sweet Christmas goose, that was awful. That’s part of the reason I never watch or listen to Keillor. Reminds me of “The Simpsons” when Homer is watching Prairie Home Companion and finally just yells, “What the hell are they laughing at?”

  5. I have never understood what appeal Keillor has. I have found him to be a bitter, spiteful, unbending liberal. This is just one more instance of his intolerant ranting.

  6. Keilor actually isn’t too bad a writer when he assumes his Mark Twain mode. Of course Mark Twain did mark Twain better.

  7. Good Lord. I realize the man’s face has basically collapsed into itself, but I didn’t know the condition had spread to his brain.
    I’m waiting to see how many outraged people didn’t read to the very end.
    There was zero possibility of this being Mitch Berg writing in sincerity. The obvious racism was just not in Berg. Never has been. To think He would actually morph into this type of Dada neo-facsism is, well, unthinkable. The Old Scout, on the other hand, doesn’t need to morph. It’s in his DNA.

  8. I hope you weren’t kidding about enjoying a good single malt; I prefer mine aged in a sherry cask. Definitely a shot of sipping scotch is a pre-requisite to trying to enjoy this bit of satire.

    I got the part that this wasn’t original to Mitch long before reading to the end; but I would have preferred a Mitch ‘original’.

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