August 1, 2018

SCENE: MITCH runs into Avery LIBRELLE at a bar. It is August 1, 2018. LIBRELLE is slumped, clearly intoxicated, nursing an Appletini.  Four empty Appletini glasses are arrayed on the table. 

MITCH: Wow, Avery. Kinda tying one on, are we?

LIBRELLE: (Mumbles)

MITCH: What’s the matter?

LIBRELLE: Ummmm…I don’t even know. Feeling…disillusioned?

MITCH: (Orders a Smythwicks) Why?

LIBRELLE: Remember all those gay couples who got married five years ago today?

MITCH: The ones that got all the non-stop media coverage? Hard to forget.

LIBRELLE: Well, the statistics show they have…(chokes back a sob)

MITCH: They have what?

LIBRELLE: The…same divorce rate as breeders!

MITCH: Right.

LIBRELLE: And some turned out to be awful spouses! Just like…

MITCH: Go ahead, say it.

LIBRELLE: Just like breeders!

MITCH: I know.  On Cops the other night they showed an episode where the cops intervened in a gay domestic at a trailer park in Mobile Alabama.  As they dragged a woman wearing sweats off to the car, another woman can out of the house yelling “I love you, Ashley!  I’ll be down to bail you out…”, just like…(Notices LIBRELLE is sobbing quietly) – Hey, buck up little camper. Didn’t you all figure gay people were pretty much just like people? 

LIBRELLE: (Angry) NO! They were supposed to show breeders what real love was!  Because they were marrying for love! 

MITCH: Yeah, but wasn’t that an absurd expectation…

LIBRELLE: How could something that so pissed off wingnuts and the Catholic Church be so…

MITCH: Ordinary?

LIBRELLE:  Yes!  (Head starts to wobble a bit)

MITCH:  So you were actually under the impression that gays were better, more virtuous people because the state hadn’t conferred the right to marry on them? 

LIBRELLE:  Right.  Oppression equals nobility!  Everyone knows that!

MITCH:  Unless they’re gun owners in Chicago, conservatives on campus, or vendors of faith who are dragged into court by gay couples for whose weddings they conscientiously object to providing services?

LIBRELLE:  (before even a beat has passed) Right.

MITCH:  Look, Avery – marriage is a very difficult thing.  It’s about completely wrapping your life around and about another person, and usually eventually a bunch of little people, and figuring out how to focus your life on someone else, ideally without completely losing yourself, although that’s way down the list of priorities.  It’s about realizing you’re not the most important thing in the world anymore.  I’m no expert – and I’ve got the court paperwork to prove it – but whether you’re gay or straight, it’s not just about having a fabulous ceremony and a cool honeymoon, and least of all about making a political and social statement to other people.  In fact, getting married to show someone else, whether it’s your parents or your ex or the rest of society or even yourself, may be the worst of the “bad reasons” that people get married for…

(MITCH notices LIBRELLE has passed out.  He puts a $20 on the table, motions to the bartender, and walks away).

(And SCENE)

12 thoughts on “August 1, 2018

  1. It’s worth noting that in Sweden, divorce rates for same sex mirages are 50% higher among the male-male version and 3x higher among the female-female version. So not only is Avery likely to be disappointed at finding that homosexuals are “just people too”, he’s likely to be crushed to learn that–as conservatives have been noting for decades–the other factors that differentiate homosexuals from heterosexuals also make their mirages less like marriage in longevity.

  2. Bubbasan-
    All too predictable. I was amazed to find out that lesbians attach the same level of importance to celibacy within marriage as straight men. Gay men are off the frikkin’ scale.
    Odd how difficult it is to find the stats on that. This ‘national conversation on same-sex marriage’ we’re having seems terribly one sided.

  3. “Odd how difficult it is to find the stats on that. This ‘national conversation on same-sex marriage’ we’re having seems terribly one sided.”

    Try finding some data on the consequences their trophy kids face not paid for by some homo-affiliated group.

  4. It is interesting to note that on this holiest of days in MN when all in love may marry their genital equal, the crime of sodomy remains in the MN State Statutes (MSS 609.292, subs. 1&5). While I doubt it is prosecutable, I am baffled why it’s still on the books.

    Does that put all the new honeymoons on hold until the next legislative session?

    Should someone tell Brad Pitt so he can remain celibate until all who love can legally consumate their unions?

    Close one door and others open (set-up).

  5. The only unrealistic part is $20 covering 5 Appletinis and an Smithwicks at a bar in St. Paul in 2013, let alone 2018.

  6. “..he’s likely to be crushed..”.
    All along I thought Avery Librelle was a woman. Avery is epicene enough name that it could go both ways. But then Avery was drinking Appletini’s – the drink of women and metrosexuals – so Bubba is likely right to assume Avery in fact is a metrosexual while also anatomically a male.

  7. Seflores: :^), and +++

    Seriously, though, I just used “grammatical gender” along with the fact that the conversation between Mitch and Avery always seems like that of two guys, although as you note, one of them is pushing those boundaries.

  8. I guess Avery’s name IS a little bit unisex, isn’t it.

    Well I’ll answer that question right now, before I run off to an afternoon of meetings. Avery Librelle is a %%%edk@#@#((((((((((34JDM((((((##(#(#(#(#

    CARRIER LOST

  9. My damn 14KB modem just fritzed on me.

    I’ll get back to this later. After I figure out how to keep managing a blog via an acoustic modem.

  10. Mitch, their your characters, they can be whatever you want or need them to be. As I learned from my neighbor the wrestling promoter, you always want to create and own the character as the wrestler playing the character can always be switched out as necessary, and likely that audience will never notice the difference.

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