SCENE: MITCH is out for drinks with his old friends Inge “Lucky” CARROLL, meme-buffer for the Alliance for a Better Minnesota, and Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK, spokesbeing for Citizens4Luv, a left-leaning non-profit, and Avery LIBRELLE, progressive activist without opr.
CARROLL: (With three empty Mojito glasses and a full one in front of her) We need to do something about school massacres.
BIRKENSTOCK: Yes (he says, fanning face with a folded piece of campaign literature), we have to dooooooooooooooo something.
LIBRELLE: Doooooooooooooooooooooooooooo something!
MITCH: Well, yeah, but “we have to do something” has been the motivation for an endless cavalcade of stupidity leading to a boundless trove of misery over the years. And let’s be honest; violent crime has been plummeting, and law-abiding gun owners are vastly less likely to commit any kind of crime than the general public.
LIBRELLE: Don’t bother us with details. We have to ban large AR15 clip bullets and assault handguns!
MITCH: Right, right, got that. So – what do you think about teachers?
BIRKENSTOCK: They are the absolute salt of the earth.
MITCH: Elaborate please?
BIRKENSTOCK: They are not mere professionals. They are like clergy, drawn to a higher calling, imparting knowledge and skills and good citizenship to our next generation.
CARROLL: That’s right. Teachers are a noble lot, a breed apart, drawn to an often thankless calling, working for 30 year careers at mere middle-class wages before retiring in their mid-fifties, doing one of the most put-upon jobs there is; trying to turn the illiterate children of Minnesota’s stupid and ignorant parents – who are the real problem with our education system – into good citizens.
LIBRELLE: Hear hear.
MITCH: So all those stories about teachers who diddle their students…
CARROLL: Oh, for crying out loud. That’s a teeeensy, tiny minority…
BIRKENSTOCK: …an almost insignificantly tiny one at that…
CARROLL: …of people in the profession.
MITCH: Right. So we shouldn’t tar and feather a larger, generally responsible group because of the misdeeds of a relatively small group of miscreants?
CARROLL: That would be the depth of stupidity.
LIBRELLE: No kidding. Bigot.
MITCH: Gotcha. So – just to sum up; teachers are, statistically, good people, utterly trustworthy to be watching over your children?
BIRKENSTOCK: Beyond a doubt.
MITCH: Good. So – what do you think about South Dakota’s decision to allow teachers with carry permits, who’ve passed background checks and skills tests and are, thus, statistically 2-3 orders of magnitude safer than the general public, to carry their concealed firearms at school, in the interest of defending their charges from unforeseen violent crime?
CARROLL: That’s just crazy!
BIRKENSTOCK: Teachers aren’t competent to do that.
LIBRELLE: If you let teachers carry guns, someday a teacher will shoot a classroom full of their kids!
CARROLL: Teachers just can’t be trusted with that kind of power.
MITCH: I see.