Be It Hereby Proclaimed!

Joel Rosenberg is currently sitting in jail for violating a court order signed by Hennepin County Chief Judge Jim Swenson that declared that guns were not allowed in “courtrooms” in Henco…

…notwithstanding that he was not arrested in a “courthouse” – he was arrested at the office of the Chief of Police, which wasn’t even listed on Judge Swenson’s court order. No matter – Judge Swenson had declared some county buildings to be “courthouses”. And Henco judge Janet Poston is apparently closing ranks with a cop who apparently embarassed himself by arresting Rosenberg for behaving entirely legally – all apparently entirely by judicial fiat.

So I got to wondering; how else can a county judge pre-empt state law with a stroke of the pen?

And after exhaustive research, here they are: The Top Ten Laws-By-Proclamation From Henco Judge Swenson.

10. All Hennepin County residents not wearing aluminum foil pants shall be subject to tasing and confiscation of property, at the sole discretion of Judge Poston.

9. Judges shall not be referred to as “your honor”, but as “your serene majesty”.

8. All betting spreads are doubled for judges, police, fire, and county administrative employees, and other county workers as defined by a Hennepin County judge.

7. No tabs are to be picked up by Hennepin County judges.

6. The United States Constitution and Minnesota state law are both considered to be firearms, for purposes of “Courthouse” carry restrictions.

5. So is “satirizing Judge Swenson’s alleged penchant for authoritarian overreach”.

4. Manny’s Steak House is now legally considered to be “Judge Swenson’s chambers”.

3. Britney Spears is totally hotter than Christina Aguilera.

2. All of Hennepin County is actually an elementary school; nobody can possess a firearm within 1,000 yards of Hennepin County.

1. The law is pretty much whatever Judge Swenson says it is; if you don’t believe it, bend over and INSERT VIOLENT VERB and in the INSERT AWKWARD BIT OF ANATOMY.

Whew. Seems pretty draconian to me. But we’d best not complain; they’re all legal and stuff.

14 thoughts on “Be It Hereby Proclaimed!”

The Constitution, as we know, is only a menu of “options.” Judges know this. They have been given their lofty positions due to their wisdom and, Lord knows, the Constitution is not a particularly wise instrument in our highly nuanced world. Cut the judge some slack. He’s doing our thinking for us. He’s a kind of mental valet, adjudicating those things we simply don’t have the mental horsepower to understand.

And, Spears and Aguilera are both HOORS. However, in a snowstorm either would suffice.

So, will you be turning yourself in?

Here I am in full compliance.

While we are out here slaving away, Joel, after an invigorating, hot shower, is enjoying a nice breakfast of warm milk, cereal, coffee, OJ and maybe a muffin.

mmmmmmmmm.