On Three Hands
By Mitch Berg
On the one hand, it’s a bunch of money in a “cash-strapped” city:
The $5.1 million cable-stayed bridge is the first of its kind in Minnesota…
…on the other, it helps people like me avoid getting killed…
…and allows users of the popular Greenway to avoid traffic on Hiawatha Avenue in Minneapolis.
…on a stretch of road that a lot of drivers would like to get over.
On the other other hand, the thing pretty much looks pre-collapsed:
I feel unstable just looking at it.
I wonder – did Atomizer design it while on a bender?
November 9th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
I’m listening to ABBA now.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Chunky Spicy Chicken Gumbo soup is on my menu for lunch.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
Was there ever a singer who burst on the scene with bigger, better hype than James McMurtry, who turned out to be such a disappointment?
I think not.
I mean, it’s like the guy wrote one song, and played it over and over and over again.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
The good folks at Apple are marketing geniuses.
I mean, what if they’d named their star product the “I-Diarrhea”?
That’s why they’re the billionaires.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
I’m encouraged by the fact that I have yet to see anyone, awash in a sea of “eXtR33m”-ishness, refer to Judaism as “T43 JoOz!”
Hope remains.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
MasterofNone asked why I felt that wingnuts wanted to shoot people
Master of None never asked peeve this question. Master of None could not care less why peeve feels anything. Master of None would rather gouge his own eyes out than read another frickin paragraph full of peeves feelings.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Huh? Oh, don’t mind me. I just live here.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
At the WWII Memorial dedication, my pal Mark and I were walking around some of the gear that was on display. We got to an old M3 Scout Car.
And wow – the armored wall around the crew compartment in back is low! You’d have to really hunker down back there.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
My favorite Dr. Cox line:
“People are bastards! They’re bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling!”
November 9th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
“Lou Gehring dies of Lou Gehrig’s disease.
He shoulda see THAT coming.
(OK, I boosted that from Dennis Leary)”
From what I hear, Dennis does a lot of that himself.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
I wonder if the Minneapolis Police own a mortar?
November 9th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
If birds couldn’t fly, would there be long, bird-foot-width trails leading south?
Follow-up: would they walk in huge “V” shaped ranks?
November 9th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
“Desk” is a funny word. I wonder why it exists in the form it does?
November 9th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
I briefly contemplated naming my daughter “Fontella”.
After the singer of “Rescue Me”.
I suppose it was the Dennis Leary reference that brought that to mind.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
That bridge IS kinda neat-looking. But I’m serious – doesn’t it look like some architect designed it after getting totally blotto on peyote?
November 9th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
There’ll never be another Robert Goulet.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
I say “Democrat” rather than “Democratic” because I figure I never know when I’ll need the air that would have gone into that extra syllable.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
I have seen Casablanca 46 times. Or maybe 47.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
his surviving was a fluke, he was lucky, which was my point about a gas can.
Actually, according to FBI stats on the subject (which show that resisting lethal attacks with non-violent force leaves one 1/4 as likely to die than not resisting), it would seem not to be a fluke at all.
But please cite the “flukiness” of Opat’s survival. And feel free to have your mysterious cop friends go on the record, because I have some questions for ’em.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Who did put the bomp?
November 9th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Blogga blogga bo blogga
banana bana bo bogga
fee fi fo flogga
Blog!
November 9th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
I never liked Tabasco sauce, until I saw a Discovery Channel show on “how they make tabasco sauce”.
I’ve had an insatiable craving for it ever since. I even keep a couple of bottles (regular, chipotle and garlic) at my desk.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
I don’t like Steely Dan, but “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number” has always been a favorite.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Lewis Carroll was a punk.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
Has anyone noticed that “Vox Day” sounds very similar to the latin “Vox Dei“, or “Voice of God”?
I should change my pen name to something complementary. Maybe “Fox Ploppy”.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
I wanna play the cello right now.
( Should point out that it’s not a “wish” so much – I’ve played cello for 34 years. No, I mean I wish I had an actual cello in the office. It’d be fun).
November 9th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Latin-Americans and their traditional mid-day siesta – now THAT’s something we should import!
November 9th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
There. That’s 40 different tangents.
Go for it!
November 9th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
Forget the bomp.
I wanna know who it turns out did shoot the deputy.
Was it Opat?
/jc
November 9th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
…on the other, it helps people like me avoid getting killed…
ot
It was a necessary link….my question about the bridge is why couldn’t they have dealt with it 10 years ago when they were building the Hiawathia/Lake interchange and the implementation would have been less expensive? – and are they going to plow it in the winter?
November 9th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Whatever happened to Kathy Mattea?
Kathy, “Where’ve you been?”
November 9th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Combine those 40 tangents into a single comment, and you’d have Peev’s comment doppleganger.
November 9th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
Can I join in?
I don’t know who can’t believe it’s not butter, but I can.
And that bridge does look like a part from a ship in a bottle built by an epileptic…
November 9th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Peev, you have driven Mitch mad. Good work.
Slash, it doesn’t matter who shot the deputy. Claiming he didn’t shoot the deputy is a clever defense, sure, but some savvy policeman is eventually going to charge him with *shooting the sheriff.* Unless the guy was smart enough to shoot all the local law enforcement officers. Then he’s home free.
November 9th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Great, now I’m being sucked into the wikipedia entry on Tabasco Sauce.
The bridge is kinda cool in that “WTF?” sort of way, but looks out of place for it’s surroundings.
November 9th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
No matter where I seat my guests, it seems they like my kitchen best.
November 9th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
I wear my sunglasses at night. So I can, so I can.
November 9th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
When did this thread become Larry King’s syndicated column?
November 9th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Not quite, Terry. There’s no dot-dot-dot…
November 9th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
Angryclown is a sociopath with bozoid personality disorder.
And a big red nose and floppy feet.
Indeed, he resembles a human Don Martin cartoon.
Don’t forget the poodle balloon and seltzer water bottle.
November 10th, 2007 at 5:28 am
Yeah, Paul – talk about your dot-dot-dot, it’s an ellipses, not dot-dot-dot. They are just there to make you think your thoughts didn’t stop like a wingnut twisted way too tight, but since like the hypoctite you are you want to sticke everyone that doesn’t agree with you one million percent every single time into an all-male concentration camp and then deny them the use of ice-cold showers, that means you are not quite correct… I don’t have to put a space btween my dots like the empty vacuum that’s behind where your conscience should be!
November 10th, 2007 at 11:41 pm
I’m not aware of any head of state that was also an internationally-renowned classical musician…
…oh, wait. Joseph Pilsudski.
My bad.
Almost. Try again.
I played his Minuet in G when I started getting serious about piano in high school.
November 11th, 2007 at 10:09 am
Doh.
Well, to be fair to me (if not Paderewski), I was freestyling.