On The Air

The other day, in the comment thread for Joe Bodell’s incisive investigative piece on True North, a commenter noted:

The real question is when MinnMo is going to get their radio show up.

Oh, my.  That, I’d almost pay to hear.  Once.

 OPENING JINGLE (Performed by a group of studio musicians earning union scale): “MinnMonitor – on the air!”

(ten seconds of dead air).

 OPENING JINGLE: “MinnMonitor – on the air!”

ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “Like, totally hello!  This is Minnesota Monitor Radio on Air America, like, Minnesota…”

 (five seconds of dead air)

…and I’d like to introduce the guys on the show.  We’ve got Andy Birkey…

ANDY BIRKEY: “I’m Andy Birkey…”

ROBIN “REW MARTY: “…and Eric Black”

ERIC BLACK: “Greetings”

ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “Joe Bodell”

JOE BODELL: “Robin!  I just ran a packet trace on John Hinderaker’s furnace, and found that his carbon footprint is actually higher than his golf handicap!”

ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “…”Paul” from “Eyeteeth”…”

PAUL SCHMELZER: “Yo”

ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “And, finally, the guy on the staff with actual radio experience from about 200 appearances on the Jeff Heaney show, Jeff Fecke”

JEFF FECKE: “Thank you.  As I always say, we must pay any price, bear any burden, to spread liberty and freedom”. 

ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “Like totally!  So our first topic of the day is, like, the Republican National Convention…”

ANDY BIRKEY: “It will affect gays more”.

ABDI AYNTE: “No, it will affect Moslems more”

ANDY BIRKEY: “That’s absurd!  Republicans hate gays more than they hate Moslems”

ABDI AYNTE: “That is rediculous!  They hate Muslims more than they hate gays!”

JOE BODELL OR JEFF FECKE: “Actually, they hate the troops even more”.

ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “Was that Paul or Jeff talking?”

JOE BODELL: “Beats me”

JEFF FECKE: “I have no idea”.

ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “Let’s take a caller.  In Minneapolis, it’s Eva.  Eva, welcome to MinnMon on the Air!”

EVA: “Read my blog”

(Five seconds of dead air)

ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “Totally!  Thanks for your call!  Next topic…”

JOE BODELL: “Just a minute, Robin. I ran a skiptrace on the ATM packets going from Karl Rove’s Blackberry to the RNC’s server in Virginia, and cross-indexed the results with derivatives of an IPMask Subnet to Supernet refluxogram, and it appears that the Republican National Convention is going to be held in…”

(Three seconds of dead air)

JOE BODELL: “…Bloomington.”

ERIC BLACK: (wearily) “It’s actually going to be in Saint Paul”

JOE BODELL: “No, look here – I printed it out”.

ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “Let’s take another call.  Eva, on line 2, you’re totally on MinnMonn on the Air”

EVA: “Read my blog”.

(Nine seconds of dead air)

ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “Yeah!”

JEFF FECKE: “When it comes to the RNC, it’s like Franklin D Roosevelt said to me; the only thing we have to fear is fear itself”.

ERIC BLACK: “OK, that’s enough, Fecke.  That was said in FDR’s inauguration speech, and he died over thirty years before you were born.  How are you attributing that to a direct conversation?”

(22 seconds of dead air)

JEFF FECKE: “I’ve spoken with my editor, and she’s advised me not to comment”

JOE BODELL: “Oh, we’re totally porked”

ABDI AYNTE: “That is an anti-Muslim statement.  You must apologize.”

PAUL SCHMELZER: “Dude, we’re all on the same team…”.

ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “It’s time for totally a break!  We’ll be back after this word from our sponsors, Juan’s Balloon Animals, and Kites are Us!

On the other hand, Air American couldn’t possibly do much worse than the somnolent Mark Heaney show they run every afternoon.

14 thoughts on “On The Air

  1. 10 seconds of dead air? Didn’t the NARN have about 30 minutes of the same during hour 3 last Saturday?

  2. I’m confused. Are Minnesota librals a bunch of frivolous, trust-fund backed dilettantes that aren’t worth your attention? Or a terrifying army of Nazi-like subversives bent on violently steering their bicycles into the path of, um, big cars?Or threatening wingnuts with horrifying acts of, uh… protest? I think you should pick one stereotype and stay with it for at least a week or so.

  3. I think you should pick one stereotype and stay with it for at least a week or so.

    I’m all about the diversity.

    Didn’t the NARN have about 30 minutes of the same during hour 3 last Saturday?

    Not in the studio, we didn’t!

    I can’t speak for the transmitter. And apparently, often as not, I can’t speak over the transmitter, either.

  4. After the I35W disaster, I expected the Minnie Mon headline to read:

    I35 Bridge Collapses; Gays, Women, Minorities Most Affected

  5. Minnesota liberals are a bunch of frivolous, trust-fund backed dilettantes that aren’t worth our attention who occasionally form into a terrifying army of Nazi-like subversives bent on violently steering their bicycles into the path of oncoming traffic.

    Does that clear things up for you AC?

  6. You forgot to add:

    ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “Let’s take another caller. In St. Paul, it’s..oh no, it’s Swiftee who we will totally put on 120 minute delay because we don’t want to hear what he will say and if, like, we don’t neither do you!

    Swiftee, welcome to MinnMon on the Air!”

    10 minutes of dead air..

    ROBIN “REW” MARTY: “OK, well that wasn’t as bad as we feared, but another donation of Draino is on it’s way to Planned Parenthood from the MiniMoni freedom to flush crew!”

  7. That does help, Master of Bation. You confirm Angryclown’s suspicion that Minnesota wingnuts are a bunch of pansies who secretly yearn for a dictator to keep them safe from every non-existent threat ranging from Saddam’s WMDs to the local hacky-sack brigade.

  8. My cobbler would disagree AssClown.

    He automatically tacks on a 10% surcharge to cover the time it takes him to scrape moonbat effluvia off every time I take my hob-nailed jackboots in for a shine.

  9. I just want to be able to drive home from my job oppressing the downtrodden without risking the custom pearl paint job on my Porsche. Is that too much to ask? Why do they hate rich white people?

  10. “Not in the studio, we didn’t!

    I can’t speak for the transmitter.”

    Must have just been all those receivers out here. But that’s cool. We’ve come to love the Patriot’s little eccentricities.

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