At the Minnesota Monitor Editorial Meeting
By Mitch Berg
Eric Black goes to his first Minnesota Monitor editorial meeting:
[Scene: A cluttered garrett in Northeast Minneapolis. A group gathers around a table; twentysomething hipsters drinking Red Bull, dishevelled thirtysomethings guzzling Caribou, and one nattily-dressed fiftysomething, Eric Black]
EDITOR ROBIN MARTY: “OK, let’s, like, come to order. It’s my pleasure to like introduce Eric Black.”
ALL (Bored): “Hey, Eric!”
ERIC BLACK: [Standing, graciously] “Hello, and thank you.”
MARTY: “Eric used to work at the Star/Tribune…”
11th AVENUE ANDY: “…before Michele Bachmann had you fired! Right?”
BLACK: “…er…actually, I took a buyout, and I’m not sure that Congresswoman Bachmann…
[several staffers break into loud hissing sounds]
BLACK: “…had anything to do with anything at the…er…Strib”
JOE BODELL: “HAH! I KNEW it! Bachmann is uninvolved in the day to day operations of the Strib! HEADLINE!”
BLACK: “Er…she’s an elected official, not a publisher…”
MARTY: “We can, like, come back to that in like a moment or two. What I’d like to do is get some of Eric’s ideas about some directions we can totally take, now that we are covering Minnesota, Colorado and like Iowa. Eric? What do you think?”
JEFF FECKE: “Thanks, Robin. I was watching Governor Timmy at a press conference the other day, and he looked terrified…”
MARTY: “Actually, Jeff, I was asking Eric”
FECKE: “Doh!”
BLACK: “Quite all right. I think one of the more interesting stories in the upcoming election is how changes in the demography of all three of these states, as well as their surrounding areas, are affecting the traditional alignments of these states. Minnesota, for example, has been trending “redder” as a result of the growth of the more-conservative suburbs…”
[scattered hissing]
ANDY: “Wingnuts! Wingnuts! Unclean!”
BLACK: “…er, while in Colorado, it’s been sort of the opposite, as liberals from California move to…”
FECKE: “THAT’s why Governor Timmy the Tool is terrified! Because Minnesota is turning redder! He’s a tool! Why does he hate womenandchildren?”
BLACK: “…um…” [stares, nonplussed]
FECKE: [Continuing, rising from seat] “And that’s why we need fair, balanced, unbiased journalists like us! He’s totally Pwn3d!…
BLACK: “Er, Mr. Fecke? A quick question. What exactly does “Pwn3d” mean? You write it all the time. What is that?”
FECKE: “It’s when a tooltackular hacktool gets himself into a state of Pwnd3tude”.
BLACK: “Ah. So, Jeff, how exactly is it that you stay detached enough to cover the news as a “journalist”? Just curious…”
FECKE: “Because to show the womenandchildren what a hacktackular tool Timmy the hacktackular terrified tool is, you have to subvert the dominant paradigm!”
BLACK: “Er, right, but…”
FECKE: “Why does John Kline hate to admit he’s terrified of me? Why woin’t Michael Brodkorb admit he’s on the payroll of George Soros?”
MARTY: “…er, Jeff? That’s us…”
FECKE: “Yeah, that’ll work! Hah! Why do hacktackular Rethuglican tools hate the truth! Why does Michele Bachmann hate evangelitools! God is a woman! John Hinderaker eats pork – why does John Hackdertooler hate vegetables? Hackey Pwn hack! Tool tool toolity hackity tool! Pwn pwn pwn pwn pwn! Pwntackular hacktoolular pookity pookity! Plockity pawlenty pawtucket plocktoolkit pucktunkular plockpoofitty plookity plooo ploooo plooooooooooooooooooo…
[drops to floor, convulsing, repeating gibberish, typing it into personal blog]
MARTY: “Thanks, Eric. Next order of business…”
BLACK: “Er, wait. The Minnesota Monitor approaches “journalism” from an entirely biased perspective, and is on the payroll of powerful left-wing partisan special interests. Your staff is composed entirely of people with years of highly biased, partisan writing behind them. And yet you walk into the Minnesota Monitor offices, put on your “journalist” hat, and you expect the reader to think you’re unbiased and report fairly?
MARTY: “We have a pledge”.
BLACK: “Ah. Never mind then”.
MARTY: “Next order of business – why Republican bloggers getting money undercuts democracy…”
Tune in for next week’s edition of “As the Soros Money Burns”.
UPDATE: Foot continues the thread.
June 5th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Oh, too funny.
And lest anyone else think the squibs about Bachmann are way off base, check out the comments from Sir Prendergast in Black’s BQ post announcing the change. They just cannot Move On.
http://www.startribune.com/blogs/bigquestion/?p=737#comments
June 5th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
And how long until Eva raises her ugly puss on this blog? 3…2…1…
June 5th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
So like, I never really, you know, read those lefty blogs and like, are you seriously expecting me to, like, you know, believe these decent, hardworking bloggers are like, so shallow and cartoonish? I think you must be like, totally exaggerating.
Dude.