Ka-WHOOF
By Mitch Berg
Ever cooked a marshmallow over an open flame, and had it get too hot, and catch fire? You know that look – the marshmallow wrapped in a smooth, all-consuming sheet of flame?
That’s what my garage looked like when I woke up early Tuesday morning.
I am a fairly heavy sleeper. I heard some sirens – and they didn’t go away. So I opened my eyes, and saw an orange-ish flickering on the leaves outside my windows, and distinctly thought “there’s at least a 50-50 chance this can’t be a good thing”.
I jumped out of bed and looked out the back window, and saw my garage – already fully consumed in flames, looking like that marshmallow in the story above. I was too shocked to move for a second. The wildest part? I felt the radiant heat from the blaze all the way up in my bedroom, 40-50 feet away. It was warm.
I ran downstairs to try to call 911 – but the phone was out; my phone, internet and cable lines run right in front of the garage. I was dashing to find my cell phone when I heard a banging on the door. My neighbor, occasional commenter PeterH, was pounding on the door; better yet, I saw firetrucks pulling up outside. The cavalry were already there.
Whatever else I can say about Saint Paul’s government, we’ve long had one of the best big-city fire departments in the business. It’s one of few parts of a Better Saint Paul I’ve always been happy to pay for. There are stories of guys doing hitches in the US Marines to get ready to take the SPFD entrance exams. Anyway, it took ’em maybe twenty minutes to knock down the flames. There wasn’t much they could do, but they did it well…
The garage was a total loss – nothing but flinders. And while I’ve heard what damage radiant heat can do, this was amazing; it wiped out my garden, killed a lilac bush, crisped leaves on my black walnut tree 25 feet away, scorched grass along the driveway at least that far, and burned an abutting fence in my neighbor’s yard.
I was lucky, of course, on many levels. Insurance should cover the replacement (knock wood). The garage was nearly empty – I’d actually carted off a bunch of storage last winter to make it, um, less of a fire hazard. And my car – which is usually in the driveway, five feet from the doors – was parked in front that night; I’d felt lazy, and parked on the street. Most importantly, nobody was hurt.
A million thanks to my neighbors, of course, a good half-dozen of whom called 911 before I woke up.
And so let me remind you – test your smoke detectors!
July 16th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
My condolences, and thank God it wasn’t worse. Important question: Was your bike ruined?
July 16th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Good luck and good fortune to you Mitch… I hope this all gets sorted out nicely by the folks who deal with your paperwork.
Thank God no one was hurt and all seems to be as well as can be expected when a fire is involved.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Lars beat me to it. I was going to ask about the bike!
Any idea how it started?
July 16th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Thank god no one was hurt, not you, not the kids, or the neighbors OR the fire fighters. I am so sorry for your loss, and for the mess that fires leave behind.
Just the way my mind works, but that sounds like an odd fire pattern for a garage fire. Were there any indications from the fire department as to what caused the fire, where and how it started? If your insurance carrier is willing, they almost certainly have fire / arson experts on staff, you might want to request an inspection. Not to alarm you, but I seem to recall hearing about some arson incidents recently in the metro; and … after working for a major insurance company for a number of years, including a stint with property insurance and an arson unit… get it checked if you can. For your own peace of mind and the safety of you and the kids. Even if it was arson, and that is still a big IF obviously, it would be most likely of the random vandalism variety. I’m not by any stretch advocating getting paranoid; just that with a loss of this size and this type, and given that you are in a certain sense a well known figure, thoroughness is indicated, old friend.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Sorry to hear this, Mitch, but very glad to hear that no one was hurt. Thank God, as others have said!
July 16th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Sorry for the bad luck, and thankful for the good.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Mitch, if your bike got fried, may I suggest a replacement?
July 16th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Hmm.
This:
Things I’m Supposed To Love But Can’t Stand: Garage Logic
Then:
Ka-WHOOF? Your garage is on fire a couple days later.
…and your phones and internet go dark at the same time.
…the fire department shows up before you can call them.
…and you think this was an accident?
Conspiracy theory you say?
I think not.
Conspiracy explanation.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Get an alibi fro “Grace Kelly”. I’d check on “Spotty’s” wherabouts too.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
An ElectraGlide, Swiftee? Really?
July 16th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Ken Weiner hates cars.
Ken Weiner hates Mitch.
Cars are stored in garages.
Mitch’s garage burned down.
Think about it…
July 16th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
And today, I know the July 14, 2029 content of the “It Was 20 Years Ago Today” post.
I live at Casa de Estrogen with my Wife, a 4 year old, and an 8 year old. As I mentioned to Mitch on Twitter, two words: Man. Cave.
Pray that your claims adjuster is a male. Then go large. Second floor Man Cave, Third floor Studio (with recording equipment) and Fourth floor indoor pool.
And again, count your blessings. property is one thing, life and health are another.
July 16th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
*Putting on my Penigma hat*
Mitch, what you’re failing to mention (probably intentionally, because you’re a hack propagandist) is that your garage fire was obviously a direct result of the global warming you and all your sychophantic sychophants here at “Shot in the Foot” are intent on denying. Denying, in spite of the fact every scientist on the planet, including every scientist that ever lived and died, are in full consensus that global warming is real. In fact (notice I said “fact,” something that’s curiously absent on your blog, I might add, because I like adding things), scientists have conclusively and consensusly linked global warming to every garage fire that has ever happened. One of my neighbors was a lead scientist and author for “Global Warming and its Catastrophic Effect on Car Holes, Garages and Carports” and he said the facts (there’s that word again) definitely show global warming of only a few hundred degrees will lead to the complete destruction of every automobile storage structure within the next 50 years. But, I’m sure you and your army of lilliputian commenters here will just go on denying all these inconvenient facts. FACTS! I’m sorry about your garage, but the simple FACT is it was a fate brought down upon you entirely due to your neo-conservative approach to thinking and acting.
July 16th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Juanito says:
“Pray that your claims adjuster is a male. Then go large. Second floor Man Cave, Third floor Studio (with recording equipment) and Fourth floor indoor pool.”
You may live at Casa d’ Estrogen Jaunito, but my sympathies are with la belle Miss Bun, outnumbered by Mitch and Zam, where by the numbers it is far more “Schloss Testosterone” than estrogen anything.
I thought basements were inherently “man caves”, emphasis on the earth enclosed cave aspect; a multi-level garage doesn’t seem very cave like…
July 16th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
…but the garage door looks like a cave…
…to the man cave, Mitch!
I am sure Gracey the moonbat could dream up a really good story on how this happened.
July 16th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Very sorry about your Garage. But Johnny WOOSH did make a funny point about your Karma after the Garage Logic post.
Very glad that nobody was hurt.
July 16th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Hmmm. Weiner. Yeah………Maybe Foot’s detective skillz shouldn’t be judged by his knowledge of the Factory’s catalog (that’s a Road Glide).
Were any two foot long pubic hairs found on the scene?
July 16th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Swiftee,
Replace, nothin’. Supplement. More gear, baybee.
Juanito, Yossarian: Hah!
DG: At my house, the basement has tended to be the man cave; I converted an old coal room to a tool locker, and my food and ammo supplies are also sited about the place.
Foot and Swiftee: I wondered about either, but I didn’t see anyone dancing around yelling ‘Look at the fire I started!” afterward.
Roosh: Hmmmm. Now that you mention it…
KRod: I can hardly wait.
July 16th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Dear Mr Berg-
on July 14th the Carbon Abatement Program recorded a significant increase in your carbon footprint. Based on the information provided by the EPA, your Taxpayer Assessed Xtra payment for this month will be $3729.42. Please make arrangements with this office to make your payment in full or to negotiate a payment plan within 7 days.
Failure to make prompt payment will result in a suspension in the remainder of your carbon credits for 2009 from your utility provider.
Thank you,
Timothy Franz Geithner
Internal Revenue Service
July 16th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Electra Glide! The first Big Twin with Electric Start!
Sounds like it was made for girls with weak calf muscles or who weren’t lucky enough to have a down hill slope on their driveway.
Us Sportster riders must had a lot of fun with those sissies on Electra Glides back in the 60’s. Electric start, distributor with automatic spark advance . . . and a fairing! Lol!
July 16th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Pictures?
July 16th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
First, what Marty said. We need a picture.
Second, glad to hear you and the kids are fine. I’m looking at my shed right now thinking “what would happen if…” Thankfully it’s 30 feet away from my bedroom.
Third, you are reaching prime age for a Harley, you know? Who needs a garage?
July 16th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
No pics yet, although my daughter grabbed some morning-after cell-phone photos.
Word has it regular commenter PeterH’s son may have grabbed some video of the actual fire.
July 16th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Thul, that’s just plain mean. What are you, some kinda closet Democrat?
July 16th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
I see Berg on a Road King.
July 16th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
I haven’t kept up with HD’s recent models, but the Road King looks a little . . . affected.
My bike is a ’77 Sporty. ’77 is not quite the worst year for Sportster fit, finish, and functionality (that honor goes to the year they moved the brake to the other side of the motor, 1975), but mine isn’t much like the factory version. Mustang tank, lowered forks and shocks, 2-into-1 pipes, a battleship gray paint job under several coats of clear, and of course the engine internals have been replaced with parts from S&S.
It has cast iron heads and a 12:1 compression ratio. God only knows what kind of poisons it spews into the atmosphere. When and if I can get it running.
Anyway, it’s a real motorcycle. Not for little kids or heterosexual women. Mitch should get one & be prepared to battle when some weekend warrior on a Road King he shares with his buddies calls his Sporty a ‘Skirtster’ or ‘Shitster’.
July 16th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Kermit-
just pointing out that it could have been worse. Or, will be worse, with the lot in Congress today.
July 16th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
K-Rods says:
“Anyway, it’s a real motorcycle. Not for little kids or heterosexual women. ”
Oh, puleeze. Heterosexual, feminine, lady-like women can handle motorcycles, even powerful ones, without any loss of femininity.
I personally have a distinct fondness for powerful limey bikes, having learned to ride on a classic, a Norton Atlas 750 (painted classic black) of a similar vintage to your Sporty. It could be a bit temperamental at times, but what classic isn’t? (What Brit bike, or sportscar from that era isn’t?)
The bike belonged to a guy I dated in college; he didn’t think I could handle it. His friends all had similarly powerful bikes; and they didn’t think I could handle it. My parents liked the guy, but hated the bike….and the idea of me on it. I adored the guy; we’re still in occasional contact, but the bike…. I may have liked the bike even more. mmmmmmmm
Not able to ride it? How could I resist a challenge like that?
Powerful motorcycles, or riding a hot blooded thoroughbred over challenging terrain and big jumps, same skills: light hands, proper seat and good balance, a certain coordination — and the right attitude approaching riding them.
Funny thing is, of the three old friends I say those small prayers for that bicycle regularly? The Norton owner is the one of the three who bikes the longest distance to work….
July 17th, 2009 at 6:09 am
A redheaded girl and a black ’52 Vincent to ride!
July 17th, 2009 at 9:09 am
Well, to be fair to Terry and his comment about heterosexual women, I was the ONLY woman who ever drove that Norton. And I did acknowledge that I had a few limitations; I chose never to take a passenger, and there were certain weather conditions that I didn’t opt to drive it in either, as a matter of safety. It meant a lot to me that even though we had gone our separate ways romantically, the guy let me know when he finally decided to sell it, because he knew how much I had loved that bike. I know a few other women asked to ride it, but were turned down. I suspect that their wanting to ride was more about competing with a previous romance, than it was motivated by an appreciation for the bike itself.
It’s funny this topic about motorcycles coming up when it has; I just heard from the guy who used to have the Norton earlier this week. I hear from him every year around this time; he always wishes me a happy Bastille Day. Has never missed a single year. Not exactly a “Hallmark Holiday”; we met in French classes. He is not otherwise a particularly romantic individual, and there are no other women from his past similarly annually remembered, so I can only assume that the relationship which included his motorcycle was something special.
July 17th, 2009 at 10:07 am
“Said Jaaaaames to Red Molly, it’s hats off to you,
it’s a Vincent Black Lightning, 1952…”
July 17th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Ah, well, despite the lyrics of the last verse, I still have a special fondness for the Nortons…
I should have known you’d get the reference, Mitch, LOL!
For those who don’t get the reference:
http://www.rtlist.net/listen.htm
“Oh says Red Molly to James “That’s a fine motorbike.
A girl could feel special on any such like”
Says James to Red Molly “My hat’s off to you
It’s a Vincent Black Lightning, 1952.
And I’ve seen you at the corners and cafes it seems
Red hair and black leather, my favourite colour scheme”
And he pulled her on behind and down to Boxhill they did ride
Oh says James to Red Molly “Here’s a ring for your right hand
But I’ll tell you in earnest I’m a dangerous man.
For I’ve fought with the law since I was seventeen,
I robbed many a man to get my Vincent machine.
Now I’m 21 years, I might make 22
And I don’t mind dying, but for the love of you.
And if fate should break my stride
Then I’ll give you my Vincent to ride”
“Come down, come down, Red Molly” called Sergeant McRae
“For they’ve taken young James Adie for armed robbery.
Shotgun blast hit his chest, left nothing inside.
Oh come down, Red Molly to his dying bedside”
When she came to the hospital, there wasn’t much left
He was running out of road, he was running out of breath
But he smiled to see her cry
He said “I’ll give you my Vincent to ride”
Says James “In my opinion, there’s nothing in this world
Beats a 52 Vincent and a red headed girl.
Now Nortons and Indians and Greeves won’t do,
Ah, they don’t have a soul like a Vincent 52”
Oh he reached for her hand and he slipped her the keys
Said “I’ve got no further use for these.
I see angels on Ariels in leather and chrome,
Swooping down from heaven to carry me home”
And he gave her one last kiss and died
And he gave her his Vincent to ride. ”
– Richard Thompson
– two letter words, © 1996 Richard Thompson
July 17th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Apologies – that should have read “Terry says” referring to kids and heterosexual women riding certain motorcycles. My typo.
July 17th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I’ll second, or third or fourth the sentiment…thank God everyone’s all right!
July 17th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Wow! Getting a new garage started on Monday already; that is pretty fast. Becuase, in addition to keeping your car from the elements, a garage is a good place for stashing the overflow of stuff that no longer fits in the basement because you need that room for the ‘man cave’, LOL.
Thank goodness the fire marshal gave you the assurance – not that I thought that any one was necessarily involved because of a difference in ideology or politics particularly…
Did all of the bicycles make it ok? This being the time of year that the tour de france is in the news as inspiration, and weather as good as it gets all year, it would be a shame if you weren’t able to ride.
July 17th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Gotta be clear; the rubble clearance starts Monday. The actual garage could take a while.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Will your insurance company let you use that contractor that you speak about so glowingly on your radio program? You always speak as if you had a lot of faith in them; rebuilding your garage would be something more to use to illustrate their competence…
July 17th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Nah, gotta use their vendor.
July 17th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
If it would’t be too much trouble for them, ask them to make a bid on the project ‘on spec’. If you like them and they are lower than the insurance company’s vendor…they still might get the job. Doesn’t cost anything to try to negotiate; nothing ventured, nothing gained. Insurance companies can be persuaded to be flexible about the darndest things (and then stupidly rigid about others, but ?)… The contractors that support your show have been pretty loyal (and of course vice versa); you have good recommendations for them to be taken seriously.
The insurance company might be persuaded if you mention them while giving positive press to the contractor, as an incentive to the insurance co to deal…check out their bonding and licensing status, and have them to hand, along with a couple of praise letters for reference for ammunition. You have a way with words; go for it.
July 18th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Road Kings are for vacationing with the wife. when it’s just me and the boys, there’s only one way to go…
July 18th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
July 18th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
WTF? How come no pics work?