The Satanic Choruses
By Mitch Berg
SCENE: The rotunda at the Minnesota State Capitol. A press conference is underway. Standing at the podium, in front of a “Satanic” display, are three members of the Twin Cities Church of Satan:
- Joshua Micah GUMPKE – a tall, morbidly obese 30-something man with thick, unkempt back hair, and a black neckbeard. His arms are covered with “sleeves” of occult-looking tattoos. He wears a black occult-themed T-shirt, stained with cheeto dust, fresh and otherwise.
- Eva BACHMANN-DUMPF – a morbidly obese twenty-something woman with long straight blond hair. She is wearing a different black occult-themed t-shirt, and sports a small pentagram tattooed under her left ear.
- Edmund POCKERT – A short, wiry man with a fringe of white hair snaking around the back of his head to meet his white beard. He wears a visibly worn suit.
A smattering of reporters are gathered.
POCKERT: I’m Edmund Pockert, the legal counsel for the Twin Cities Church of Satan.
GUMPKE AND BACHMANN-DUMPF: (awkwardly, loudly) Hail Satan!
POCKERT: Mr. J-Talon666 and Ms. QueenOfTheDark will now answer questions.
CHANNEL 11: Mr. and Ms. What?
POCKERT: Those are the names our representatives go by.
CHANNEL 9: So what’s going on with this display?
GUMPKE: This display is ack-shu-ally our way of striking a blow for religious pluralism.
BACHMANN-DUMPF: We love to notice the hypocrisy of Christians who melt down when other people exercise religious freedom.
MPR NEWS: When you say “melt down”…?
BACHMANN-DUMPF: Christians always have a cow and melt down when we assert our rights.
POCKERT: Always.
ALPHA NEWS: So, how do you respond to allegations that the “church of Satan” is less about religious freedom and more about getting a juvenile rise out of mainstream Christians.
BACHMANN-DUMPF: Well, it is their own fault. They always have a cow and melt down and freak out go into emotional tailspin and get loud and crazy and deranged and lose their shi…
GUMPKE: They are very predictable.
CENTER OF THE AMERICAN EXPERIMENT: So a local blogger and talk host left this satirical response to your display:
(GUMPKE and BACHMANN-DUMPF stand, gobsmacked and confused, for a moment. )
GUMPKE: (finally breaking the silence) Well, this is typical. A Christian freaking out…
CHANNEL 4: This doesn’t appear to be – what was your term – “freaking out”.
ALPHA NEWS: Yeah, more like “satire” or “parody”, speaking to the notion that “Satanism” exist just to try to mock and ridicule regular Christians.
BACHMANN-DUMPF: Is this even legal? Can they do that?
POCKERT: (nods silently)
GUMPKE: It’s our view that this just contributes to the climate of hate against Satanists…
PIONEER PRESS: But it’s just mockery – not a whole lot different than this display, itself
POCKERT: OK, this converence is over.
(The three shuffle away from the podium).
And SCENE
December 18th, 2024 at 7:37 am
Next up: Display mocking Islam. [talk about freak out]
December 18th, 2024 at 9:55 am
The display of The Prophet and his child bride Aisha should go right next to the LGBTQ+ pride display, because tolerance.
December 18th, 2024 at 12:50 pm
GUMPKE and BACHMANN-DUMPF: (Snickering & high fiving) Got one!
FTFY
December 19th, 2024 at 12:40 am
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December 19th, 2024 at 4:57 pm
OK, by putting (apparently) a really nice fourth grade origami project up there, the science fiction & “Society for Creative Anachronism” crowd is going to make us all forget that Michelangelo ever lived, or, more likely, they’re going to prove to the rest of us that they are a bunch of doofuses (doofii?)
All I can say is “have at it, guys”.