American Idol Season 9 opened tonight with the Top 12 girls performing. Follow the action after the jump…

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American Idol is a cheesy, glorified, over-hyped talent show. It’s also been the highest rated show in America for almost a decade. This contradiction seemingly compels some people to loudly announce their opinion of the show every time they get the chance – even if that opinion is “I never watch that show. It’s garbage!”

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American Idol Season 9 has finally left the Hollywood round, meaning it’s no longer up to the judges who stays and who goes. It’s now up to either “America,” as represented by those who care enough to call or text in votes for their favorites, or a shadowy cabal of producers manipulating everything behind the scenes, if that’s the way your mind rolls. To put it more simply, we’re down to the final 24 contestants. They sing. We vote. Week after week. Until we’re left with the winner. Because American Idol and mysterious katana-wielding highlanders agree – there can be only one!

The big change this season is the replacement judge, with America’s favorite kindly “drunk at a wedding” aunt, Paula Abdul being swapped out for America’s least threatening lesbian comedienne, Ellen Degeneres. So far the change seems to be working. Paula’s unintentional self-parodic comic relief has been replaced by one-liners that, though intentional, still manage to fill the comedic void.

Additionally this is reportedly Simon Cowell’s final season with the show. We can only hope he intends to go out in a blaze of witheringly affected metaphor and backhanded compliments cum put-downs. Anything less would simply be phoning it in.

However, rumors that Randy Jackson was going to be replaced by an automated script (“Yo, you dawg.” “Just keepin’ it real.” “A little pitchy in places.” “We got ourselves a hot one tonight!”) proved sadly mistaken, for not entirely obvious reasons.

As has become typical over the past few seasons, we keep the girls and the boys separated until we’re down to the final 12. The girls are going first this week. The week’s theme is “Songs from the Billboard top 100 more or less forever,” which kind of means they can sing anything they want. Let’s see if that’s a good or a bad thing.

Paige Miles opens the show. She suffers from little to no screen time in the prior rounds. I don’t know what to think of this girl yet, nor does anyone else. Usually this is a crippling disadvantage, but it can be overcome  with a solid start out of the gate (see Allen, Kris). She’s singing “Alright Now,” by Free, and I’m already thinking what a bad choice that was before she even opens her mouth, at which point she confirms it. She squeezes in some power notes here and there, kind of like a trapped diva trying to shout out from a 70’s rock band bus. “Why did you get on that bus in the first place,” one ought to ask. The judges all gush about how awesome she is in spite of her song choice, which I read as a basic CYA because she’s only standing there because they said she was good enough in the first place. Also because any of her redeeming factors may have just barely snuck under the audience radar during her ill-chosen power rock ballad.

Ashley Rodriguez has been a smiling, spirited presence more in the visual sense in the prior rounds. But from what we’ve heard of her voice she’s got some chops. She sings “Happy” by Leona Lewis. A diva song for an aspiring diva. This doesn’t bode well. She gets a few bars into it before you realize she’s just going to do the pageant thing, and sing all pretty with some glory notes while smiling like an idiot regardless of what lyric she’s singing. “So what if it hurts me..” *smile* “so what if i break down” *smile* “so what if this world just throws me off the edge” *BIG smile* Meh. It’s not awful but also not memorable. Simon gives her his version of the evil eye “I think you might be in trouble tonight,” so you know his feelings.

Janell Wheeler is one of this season’s many accoustic guitar playing blondes who’s going to get the “singer/songwriter” label from the judges, because apparently they equate playing an accoustic guitar while singing with “songwriting” – but only if you’re a blonde girl. Anyway, she’s appeared pretty good in the prior rounds. She’s doing “What About Love” by Heart, and let me be the first to call a WTF moment. Heart?! For Janell “accoustic guitar” Wheeler? Is this some shocking stroke of genius no one saw coming? Err… no. It’s just a great big power ballad Janell should never have taken on straight up. And yet she did. And fell way short. The judges basically all tell her the same thing with a couple of pep talks sprinkled in.

Lilly Scott seems to be cast into the Meghan Joy commemorative “she’s different” role this year, with her shocking white hair and jazzy vocal style. Will it come across as a refreshing difference or a fish out of water? She’s singing “Fixin’ A Hole” by the Beatles, which is definitely the quirkiest song choice so far. She’s certainly not the best technical performer so far. But she kind of makes it work all the same. This is kind of what Meghan Joy was supposed to be able to do last season, but never really pulled off. Quirky plus confident plus… more or less in tune. The judges like the change of pace and praise her maybe a little more than she deserved.

Katelyn Epperly is the curly blonde Iowa girl. She’s been kind of cast as a “farm girl” type by the producers, but West DesMoines is about as “farm girl” as Twin Cities suburbs like Edina. She singing “Oh Darlin’” by the Beatles as apparently inspired by the “leather” scene by Sandy at the end of Grease. Our country girl is looking not just city, but kinda… redlight district. Interesting choice. The song, I mean. It’s hardly a faithful interpretation of the original, but it kind of works. At times even sounding a tad (gasp) country. Not bad, really. Especially considering those who preceded her. The judges play fashion more than music critics with, shock of shocks, the guys kind of digging the leathered up tart look.

Haeley Vaughn is nothing if not unique. Sometimes in the audition rounds she seemed to want to be the first black Patsy Cline, which is quite a changeup from the usual gospel/diva black female singers cast on this show. She’s also one of this season’s younger contestants. She’s singing “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles, completing our Beatles trifecta for the night. She’s the first contestant to self-accompany on an instrument – a bright red accoustic guitar in this case. It starts kind of odd. You can recognize the tune but not right away. She’s definitely spun this in a different direction. Yet it never gets very country. Just… different. By the end of the song, she’s won me over. I like this. I like her. She’s more fun to listen to than anyone who preceded her. And… the judges basically hate it and rip her to shreds. I begin to suspect the usual “the studio speakers are off” thing.

Lacey Brown for some reason isn’t being cast as this season’s version of Meghan Joy (see Scott, Lilly), which seems a little odd as she lost out on being in last season’s final 24 by narrowly losing a singoff to Miss Caw-Caw. But she’s still a jazzy kind of singer last seen doing a pretty nice version of “It’s a Wonderful World” in Hollywood. Tonight she’s doing “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. And… she’s doing that soulful “seated on a stool for an intimate moment” thing as she starts missing notes right away. The combination is extra off-putting. I keep trying to hear her dig something out of this song to make us see her as a real contender. But it never ever happens. It’s dull and off key and tedious from start to finish. The judges try to do another rescue job after ripping her performance apart.

Michelle Delamor has been little more than a pretty face in the audition rounds. If not quite as absent as Paige Miles she has been edited to be pretty silent for a singing show. She comes out singing “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys. Oh, so she’s going to be one of those kind of singers. This rarely turns out well. But you know, at first she had some promise. After a night of performers struggling just to stay in key, she did that. She actually delivered the whole song more or less intact. It was good. It wasn’t too memorable though. The judges kind of told her she’s not Alicia Keys and should never aspire to such heights.

Didi Benami you might remember as the guitar strummin’ blonde who sang Kara DioGuardi’s song Terrified so well it impressed Kara and Simon. Or you might remember her as the one inspired to succeed on Idol by the death of her BFF. The point is, this girl has had some screen time to connect already which is a killer advantage as we start out. She sings “The Way I Am,” by Ingrid Michaelson. And wow. After a night full of singers struggling just to keep it together, this one felt composed, interesting and well delivered. Rather than pitch to the diva mold, she went totally against it with an understated but still skillful and subtle vocal performance. Really good. Once again leading me to believe the studio speakers have a problem, the judges basically hated the performance and acted like they almost had to scramble to keep her from being voted off this week. Weird. She’s in no danger at all. You heard it here first.

Siobhan Magnus has been noted in the prior rounds for powerful vocals and menacing grimaces. Her arguable highlight so far was a “more fun” performance in Hollywood after being castigated for being too serious previously. She sang “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak, and that may be the oddest song choice of the night. This girl really has the power vocals for something like a Heart song, and instead she goes totally against it with this haunting tune. The best part is, she really made it work. She changed it up in a few places, but not radically. Overall she just sang it really well and stayed true to it. She might have had my favorite judge reaction of the night because, frankly, they were confused about how to react. Love it? Hate it? How the hell would you tell her to do something else without contradicting just about everything they’d been telling the other contestants all night about taking risks and making an unusual song their own?

Crystal Bowersox is my early favorite among contestants the fairer sex. Randy Jackson dubbed her a true “Indie girl” in Hollywood, which is a bit out of the norm for Idol contestants. It remains to be seen if that style can carry anyone through to the final, but I’m pulling for her. She sang “Hand In My Pocket” by Alanis Morrisette, while self-accompanied on guitar and harmonica. From start to finish this was leagues above the rest of the girls tonight. She had confidence, control, and personality to spare. Her voice has a very compelling tone that goes beyond any vocal training. And the judges proceed to check out this gift horse’s teeth, making nitpicky comments and imagining other things they want to see her do. Bah… ignore them. This is the best girl in the competition this year until proven otherwise.

Katie Stevens has a great voice, youth, and a tear-jerker back story in caring for her Alzheimer stricken grandma. For some reason she’s one of the front-runners among those who make betting lines for this competition, but so far I’m not seeing it. The producers must though, because they let her close the show with the season’s first “pimp slot.” She sings “Feeling Good” by Michael Buble. It a big band kind of arrangement, keeping pretty true to the original. She sings it… kind of averagely. She misses a few notes. She doesn’t really do anything special with it. And… the judges do not like. She’s “only 17” is about the best compliment they can manage. Not the impression Katie was hoping to leave with, and it wasn’t THAT bad.

So to recap the night… The judges were not very pleased overall. It was a pretty shaky opening for a much heralded group of girls by any measure. We saw a lot of girls struggling for an identity, and a lot of others struggling for things like stage presense and the right notes. There were, however, some gems sprinkled in there, even if the judges barely took notice.

Best of the night in my book, in no particular order, were: Haeley Vaughn, Didi Benami, Siobhan Magnus, and Crystal Bowersox. None of them were flawless, but all of them showed pretty great potential and a flair for originality.

The night’s bottom, in my book, were Ashley Rodriguez, Janell Wheeler, abd especially Lacey Brown. The first two were off the mark, but Lacey’s performance was truly bad.

So who’s going home Thursday night? I’m thinking Lacey Brown (correctly) and …. probably Janell Wheeler. Too similar to other contestants to survive that blah opening.

Tomorrow night we get the guys. Can they take on a wide open theme like this any better? After a surprisingly weak night, one can hope.