What If Doctor Seuss were on Match.com?
By Mitch Berg
An exchange:
I am Guy
I am Guy
Guy I amI seek a date!
I seek a mate!
I do not like
to have to wait!“Do you like
fun and romance?”I will not wait,
potential mate.
I do not like
to have to wait.“Would you please
send me a pic?”I will not send
to you a pic.
Take my word,
I’m not an ick.
I do not like this
“sending pics”.
I’d rather poke my eyes
with sticks.“Do you like to eat
Tex Mex?
And would you rather
wait for sex?”I do not like to eat
Tex Mex,
I could not, would not
wait for sex.
(I would like sex
WITH tex mex…).
But really do not
want to wait.
I really really love romance.
I do not like to wear my pants.“What kind of food
do you like to eat?
And where on earth
would you like to meet?”Not in a car.
Not in a bar.
Not on a boat.
Not in a moat.
I would not meet for barbecue.
I would not meet your Uncle Hugh.
I would meet if you wore lace.
Why not over at MY place?“Would you, could you,
just slow down?”Meet me! Meet me,
somewhere downtown!“I won’t like you.
You won’t like me!
I will not like you
you will see!”You would not, could not meet me now?
Not any time! not anyhow?“I do not like you in a box.
I do not like you pounding rocks.
I do not like you on your Harley.
Not Metallica, not Bob Marley.
I do not like you here or there.
I do not like you anywhere.
I do not like your house or car.
I do not like you, Guy-you-are!”A date! A date!
A date! A date!
Could you, would you,
obey fate?“It’s not a date! It is not fate!
Neither early, Guy, nor late!”I would not, could not, leave you be.
I could not, would not, set you free.
I won’t forget your pic on Match.
I won’t forget you – I’m quite a catch!
I will not eat crow here or there.
I will not eat crow anywhere.
I do not take rejection well,
I won’t forget you, Girl-From-Hell!Say!
In the dark?
I feel a spark!
Would you meet me at the park?“I would not, could not,
in the dark.
I can not, do not
feel a spark.
Not in the dark. Not at the mall.
Guy, I won’t meet you at all.
I do not like you, Guy, you see.
No booty call. No chemistry.
Not at the mall. Not once at all.
I will not, shall not, on the border.
I will get a restraining order!
Thank you.
April 20th, 2007 at 11:34 am
Are you the author Mitch? Brilliant!
April 20th, 2007 at 11:41 am
I can neither confirm nor deny…
April 20th, 2007 at 11:58 am
I always thought that there was some, well, perversion in Dr. Seuss:
Would you, could you, on a boat?
Would you, could you, with a goat?
I mean, the boat idea’s fine, and all, but the goat? Sheesh.
April 20th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
“Would you, could you,
just slow down?”
Meet me! Meet me,
somewhere downtown!
Don’t be afraid of Angryclown!
April 20th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
nice
April 20th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
And after the date and after the marriage, a counter poem by Eliot: