Choose Your Story

Joe Doakes from Como Park emails:

Santa Clause: “Thanks for coming, Larry.  I understand you’re not happy being an ordinary elf, making toys and wiggling your ears and saying “hee hee” and “ho ho” and stuff like that.  Is it true?”
Larry the Elf: “Oh, no, Santa. I love making toys and singing in the elf choir.”
Santa: “Larry, this is me.  Santa.  I know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.  Straight up, Larry, are you happy in your work?”
Larry: “Okay, yeah, it’s true.  I’m tired of manual labor and I hate singing.” 
Santa: “So what would you like to do, instead?”
Larry: “Well, Hermie got transferred to the dental clinic.”
Santa: “You want to be a dentist?”
Larry: “No, I want to be an accountant.”
Santa: “It’s worse than I thought.  Okay, tell you what.  I’m creating a new position for “Regulatory Compliance Officer.”  It’s a big responsibility but I’m sure you can handle it.  Want to give it a try?”
Larry: “Would I?  Oh, thank you, Santa, it’s Christmas come early for me.  I won’t let you down.” 

Three weeks later . . . 
Larry: “Thanks for seeing me, Santa.  I have a few things that need your decision.”
Santa: “Sure thing, Larry, fire away.”
Larry: “First off, I have letters from Norway, Greenland, Russia, and United States, all claiming jurisdiction over the North Pole and asserting we owe delinquent taxes.  How should I respond?”
Santa: “Tell them to pound snow.”
Larry: “Our no-fault insurer wants to know if you use your sleigh in business and how many miles per year.
Santa: “Refer them to Clement Moore, he documents all my travel arrangements.”
Larry: “The INS denied your application for a one-night visit.  Without a visa, we’ll have to cancel Christmas in America.  What are you going to do?”
Santa: “I aim to misbehave.” 
Larry: “Santa, I’ve got another hour’s worth of issues from liability waivers for walking on slippery roofs, to appeals from naughty children who didn’t get toys, to those animal-rights activists with the “Free Rudolph” signs. But I’m getting the impression that you don’t care about complying with regulations.  So what’s the point of my job?”
Santa: “You see, Larry . . . .”
Choose your own story.  What’s Santa’s reply?
Joe Doakes

7 thoughts on “Choose Your Story

  1. Santa needs to comply with literally every letter of every law, rule and policy set down by each and every jurisdiction that he visits.

    The best way to defeat regulation is to enforce it.

  2. ‘You see Larry… Remember when you came to me three weeks ago? Well, because of affirmative action and the cost of unemployment benefits, I couldn’t just let you go.’

    Simple response.

  3. Before I can craft an answer, we need more data. For instance, is Larry a racial minority? Was he ever known as “Lisa”? Are the elves represented by the SEIU?

  4. You see Larry…

    It’s either this make-work BS or I have to take you out back, put two thru your pointy hat, and bury you next to Dancer. Who’s Dancer? He didn’t like pulling the sleigh…

  5. You see Larry…

    Im automating everything and firing all workers, welcome to the 21st century. Also tell those animal rights activists to go f*** themselves and that Im now using UPS and Fed Ex to deliver everything. They can adopt Rudolph or they can let him become sausage. Im going with Mrs. Claus to Boca Roton and retiring. Im done with all this s***.

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