Shot in the Dark

Purple Jesus

Evidently Adrian Peterson fears Brad Childress more than the Edina Police Department having been clocked on his way to practice at 109 MPH in his Purple BMW 7-Series [Ugh!-JR] on the Crosstown Highway 62.

Minnesota Vikings All-Pro running back Adrian Peterson – or “Purple Jesus” as he’s known to Vikings fans

[sound of record scratching fading to tires screeching]

“Purple Jesus”  ?

– is one of the fastest men in the NFL. Turns out, he’s also one of the fastest men on a certain suburban Minnesota freeway, where police clocked him and his (model unknown) BMW going 109 mph in a 55 mph zone.

I’ve watched or listened to most of every Vikings game this season and haven’t once…not once…heard the moniker “Purple Jesus” let alone heard it applied to Adrian Peterson.

Have you?

Riddle me this:

What Would Jesus Do if he was late to practice?

Would he even need to practice?

Would Jesus be a first-round draft choice?

Would he have to wear a helmet?

Would he drive a BMW?

All crucial questions for our time, indeed.

In any case, sounds like our “Purple Jesus” will need to get a ride from Steve Hutchinson from now on.

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Johnny Roosh

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31 responses to “Purple Jesus”

  1. Master of None Avatar
    Master of None

    Jesus doesn’t fumble

  2. buzz Avatar
    buzz

    109? really? He couldn’t hit the magic “double double nickel”?

  3. Terry Avatar
    Terry

    So, JRoosh, a black man can’t be Purple Jesus?
    Racist.

  4. Johnny Roosh Avatar
    Johnny Roosh

    109? really? He couldn’t hit the magic “double double nickel”?

    Let’s be thankful that the Edina Police didn’t form a roadblock prompting AP to put on his game face and “go up the middle.”

  5. angryclown Avatar
    angryclown

    What Would Jesus Do if he was late to practice?

    It’s never too late for Jesus. Not even after the final buzzer. Ask Lazarus.

    Would he even need to practice?

    No.

    “Do not bow down before their gods or worship them or follow their practices.” Exodus 23:23

    Would Jesus be a first-round draft choice?

    No. Judas sold his contract for only 30 shekels.

    Would he have to wear a helmet?

    No.

    “I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.” Luke 10:19.

    Would he drive a BMW?

    No.

    “Do not be afraid, O Daughter of Zion; see, your king is coming, seated on a donkey’s colt.” John 12:15

  6. Kermit Avatar
    Kermit

    “Do not be afraid, O Daughter of Zion; see, your king is coming, seated on a donkey’s colt.” John 12:15
    So Jesus would be a Democrat playing for Indianapolis?

  7. Kermit Avatar
    Kermit

    He is undefeated….

  8. Terry Avatar
    Terry

    By quoting verses from the OT & NT, Angry Clown has revealed his True Identity:
    http://tinyurl.com/yaerb8r

  9. jdege Avatar
    jdege

    On the Crosstown? In Edina? I don’t believe it.

    Yes, I know that the speed-limit is 55, but I very rarely manage to exceed 40.

  10. Mitch Berg Avatar
    Mitch Berg

    He is undefeated….

    He, unlike any Viking, has a Super Bowl ring.

    (Gotten with the able assistance of he who sitteth in turn at His right hand, Mike Ditka).

  11. Kermit Avatar
    Kermit

    Ditka is dead? Who knew?

  12. Kermit Avatar
    Kermit

    Oh holy night, the Bears are 8 and four. The Monsters of the Midway doth suck.

  13. Mitch Berg Avatar
    Mitch Berg

    Hark the herald angels sing,
    please show us your Super Bowl ring?
    Oops, your ring finger is bare…
    unless you’re a Chicago Bear.

  14. DiscordianStooj Avatar
    DiscordianStooj

    Well, Favre is now known as Cheesus. I don’t know where the Purple Jesus name came from, though.

    Peterson wouldn’t have gotten a ticket, but he refused to put his license in his left hand to hand to the cop.

  15. Johnny Roosh Avatar
    Johnny Roosh

    Peterson wouldn’t have gotten a ticket, but he refused to put his license in his left hand to hand to the cop.

    Huh?

  16. Kermit Avatar
    Kermit

    A Bear Prayer

    Yea verily though I walk through the valley of the shadow of the post-season I shall fear no evil or contact. Thy draft and thy free agency comfort me. They restoreth my line Thou leadest me by the taverns to watch playoff teams compete without me. My cup runneth over (because I’m not in training).
    Surely goodness and mercy (and my agent) will follow me, and I will play at least 16 games next year and I shall dwell in the House of Hallas forever.
    Amen.

  17. Mitch Berg Avatar
    Mitch Berg

    I believe me meant “Purple Hay-SOOS”, in the Hispanic sense of the term.

    Perhaps he thought he was talking about baseball.

    Implausible? Perhaps, but otherwise, I got nothing.

  18. DiscordianStooj Avatar
    DiscordianStooj

    Roosh, Peterson notoriously doesn’t switch hands when running with the ball, making it easier to strip.

    I also could have gone with “but Peterson fumbled his license when the cop handed it off to him.”

  19. Johnny Roosh Avatar
    Johnny Roosh

    Roosh, Peterson notoriously doesn’t switch hands when running with the ball, making it easier to strip.

    I also could have gone with “but Peterson fumbled his license when the cop handed it off to him.”

    Good one. My bad.

  20. Kermit Avatar
    Kermit

    Perhaps he thought he was talking about baseball.
    After tonight I really miss baseball.

  21. Mr. D Avatar
    Mr. D

    Meanwhile, elsewhere in the division:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/37663070@N03/3555503658/

  22. angryclown Avatar
    angryclown

    Like Regular Jesus, looks like the purple version had a tough time in the desert.

    “Away from me, Adrian Wilson!”

    Heck, Mary Magdaline could have gained 19 yards.

  23. Mitch Berg Avatar
    Mitch Berg

    You watch a lot of 700 Club, don’t you?

  24. angryclown Avatar
    angryclown

    Unlike you far-right faith healers and snake handlers, Angryclown is an adherent of the One True Faith. You kooks need to familiarize yourselves with the Gospel According to St. Clown.

  25. Mitch Berg Avatar
    Mitch Berg

    I’m sensing a lecture about comets, thetans and track suits coming up.

  26. angryclown Avatar
    angryclown

    Obviously you’re one of the Psychlos.

  27. K-Rod Avatar
    K-Rod

    Isn’t AssClown one of them Branch Carbonians? Or maybe Branch AlGoreians?

  28. angryclown Avatar
    angryclown

    K-Wad was one of those Heaven’s Gate guys who had his ballz chopped off but was too chicken to kill himself to join the spaceship behind comet Hale-Bopp.

  29. K-Rod Avatar
    K-Rod

    Project much?

    AssClown, are you ready to admit that MMGW is a hoax? Or your false religion?

    Imagine the power of the Branch AlGoreans if Bush hadn’t won. How many times was An Inconvenient Truth watched in schools?
    What was that propaganda based on, besides the hockey stick graph and the East Anglia CRU “data”? Blind faith?

  30. Johnny Roosh Avatar
    Johnny Roosh

    This thread has walked through the valley of the shadow of death, and I fear that thy pleadings have not cometh closeth to thine inquiry.

    Has anyone heard AP being called our Purple Jesus?

  31. K-Rod Avatar
    K-Rod

    Never before this SitD post, Roosh.

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