SCENE: DFL headquarters in Saint Paul. Behind a door with a sign labeled “Field Worker Training”, Avery LIBRELLE is leading a group of DFL employees, including Moonbeam BIRKENSTOCK, Edmund DUCHEY, Gutterball GARY, Cat SCAT and about a dozen other activists being trained to start working for the DFL’s 2018 campaign season.
LIBRELLE: OK, everyone. It’s been a good session. Can you recap the lessons so far? (Points to DUCHEY). Start?
DUCHEY: Say whatever it takes, because none of our voters are going to check facts anyway.
LIBRELLE: Excellent. And… (points at GARY) you?
GARY: We’re running against Trump!
SCAT: He’s literally Hitler.
LIBRELLE: Good! And…(to BIRKENSTOCK) You.
BIRKENSTOCK: Tax hikes put people directly back to work for the children.
LIBRELLE: Outstanding. Now – each of you has an envelope in front of you. It’ll explain where you’re assigned for this campaign.
(There is a mad rustling of papers as the trainees open the envelopes and take out their assignments)
DUCHEY: W00t! I got South Minneapolis!
SCAT: I got Edina!
GARY: I got Crocus Hill in Saint Paul!
BIRKENSTOCK: (looking and sounding crestfallen) I got…Marshall?
(The other trainees visibly wince)
LIBRELLE: Do you have a problem with your assignment?
BIRKENSTOCK: Well, for starters – where is it?
LIBRELLE: I have no idea. You’ll have to Google it.
BIRKENSTOCK: But isn’t that way outstate? Where they…grow corn and stuff?
LIBRELLE: Could be. I didn’t make the assignments. They’re places where people…well, voted, I guess.
BIRKENSTOCK: But they voted…Republlican. Right?
LIBRELLE: They’re farmers, though. Right? And the “F” in “DFL” means Farmers.
GARY: Is that what it means?
LIBRELLE: I guess. Anyway – Moonbeam, that’s your job. Do outreach in Marshall.
BIRKENSTOCK: But there’s no DFLers there. Who wijll I do outreach to?
LIBRELLE: Well, I have no idea. But good news! You can pay people to talk to you!
BIRKENSTOCK: Ah. Problem solved!
LIBRELLE: It’s good to be Democrat!