Heard On Social Media, 1938

SCENE:  A group of people are sitting in a cafe in south Minneapolis.  

Harland BERG and a few other people sit around tables, absently drinking coffee and reading the Minneapolis Star when Oscar KJEDELIG walks into the room.  

KJEDELIG:  We need to prevent Germans from caucusing at the Farmer-Labor Party caucuses next week.

BERG:  Er…Germans?

KJEDELIG:  Yes!  Germans follow a crazy dictator who wants to bring world war.

BERG : Well, some certainly do.

KJEDELIG:  “Look at this book!  (He waves a mimeographed copy of a pamphlet entitled “All Germans Want To Start A War”, by…well, it’s hard to tell who wrote it).  Read it and you’ll know everything.

BERG:  Like you do?

KJEDELIG:  Of course.

BERG:  Well, I do speak the language, and did study a whole hell of a lot about Germany and the Germans, and I happen to know that the desire to start a world war is correlated with Germans who live in places where the Nazi Party is in control.  Germans living in Canada, Australia, Chile, and especially places like the Dakotas, Montana, New Ulm Minnesota and so many other places have absolutely no correlation with Germans who want to kjill us.

In fact, we can test it now.  (BERG turns to Will HEINRICH, a first-Generation German immigrant sitting at the next table).  (BERG switches to German) “Hey, da, Willi – wollten Sie eine Weltkrig anizufangen, und “untermench” umzubringen?”

HEINRICH:  Solche quatsch!   Ich habe dreiβig Jahre in Amerika gewohnen!  Ich war im Groβer Krieg im Amerikanischen Heer!

BERG:  So there you have it.  Not that I know anything about Germans.

KJEDELIG:  That’s not what this (waves the pamphlet) says.

BERG:  The pamplhet is wrong.

KJEDELIG:  That’s not what the pamphlet says.

BERG:  It says it’s not wrong.

KJEDELIG:  It says anyone who disagrees is working for the Germans.

BERG:  Of course it does.

KJEDELIG:  Clearly you hate America.

BERG:  Clearlly


Apropos nothing.

9 thoughts on “Heard On Social Media, 1938

  1. We needed to prevent the Paulbots from taking over the caucuses. Let’s welcome others with open arms!

  2. Pingback: In The Mailbox: 02.01.18 : The Other McCain

  3. I personally like the knew spelling kjill. Mitch, you should petition Oxford and Merriam for an official change.

  4. My great uncle was a guy like the character here. He moved from Bohemia (German speaking) to Bavaria to get out of Franz Josef’s draft, from Bavaria to London to avoid Kaiser Wilhelm’s draft, and from London to Chicago to avoid the British draft in WWI. He even changed his last name to his mother’s maiden name to avoid any possibility of German/Austrian detection.

    Then the U.S. joined the war, so Alfred answered every question with perfect loyalty to the U.S., so they didn’t take him. Go figure.

  5. Pen,

    Nowhere have I ever said there’s not a single nutcase anywhere in the GOP. Of course there are.

    We – and by “we”, I mean “neither of us” – has the faintest idea how we wound up running as a Republican.

    I notice the article said…

    …no, wait. You conveniently omitted that the Illinois GOP got him removed from the ballot last time. j

    If you think Republicans at large support Holocaust denial, I urge you to walk into your neighobrhood GOP caucus tomorrow night say so, loudly and proudly.

    You might wish you were in Illinois.

    Hey, put your beliefs out there in public!

  6. Tell me, Pen, which party had a Presidential candidate who honeymooned in the Soviet Union? Who got tens of millions of votes in the primaries?

    Now tell me how many million people died due to Communist atrocities. Hint; it’s a heck of a lot more than Hitler killed, buddy. Tell me as well which Democratic President normalized relations with Iran and Cuba, the latter being a nation where about 10-20% of their population risked machine guns, sharks, and the like to get out.

    You want to point fingers? Game on.

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