SCENE: In the command bunker at the Democrat National Committee headquarters in Washington DC, December 12, 2017.
DNC Command Bunker staffers Joshua Micah COHEN-YATZKIS, Rachel ROSARIO-WYKOFF and Tad BULLWER-FLYTTON are gathered around a table festooned with computer monitors and touch-screen readers. All brows are furrowed; the smell of desperation is palpably visible.
COHEN-YATZKIS: This is bad.
ROSARIO-HELMING: Very very bad.
BULLWER-FLYTTON: As a gender-queer womyn of colyr, I am going to be most affected.
COHEN-YATZKIS: . Er… (but he shuts up when ROSARIO-HELMING shoots him a warning glance).
ROSARIO-HELMING: What are we going to do?
BULLWER-FLYTTON: I don’t know, but we’ve got to come up with something.
COHEN-YATZKIS: . Tom will know what to do.
ROSARIO-HELMING: I anyone does, Tom will.
BULLWER-FLYTTON: We sure have to hope so. As a wise Latina, I think that’s the right approach. (COHEN-YATZKIS looks at ROSARIO-HELMING, who shrugs).
(In the background a door iopens,. Tom PEREZ, chairman of the DNC, enters the room, accompanied by MyLissa SILBERMAN, from National Public Radio’s Saint Paul bureau, on special assignment to write a profile on why Tom PEREZ is so wonderful).
ROSARIO-HELMING: Good morning, Mr. PEREZ.
PEREZ: What the f_____ f___’s good about this m____r_____ng morhing? (PEREZ throws a paper coffee cup across the room, spilling coffee on an intern).
SILBERMAN (sotto voce into the microphone in her top of the line Bang and Olufson digital broadcast recorder) “Perez runs a lively office”)
ROSARIO-HELMING: Sorry, sir.
PEREZ: Goddess m____rf__k___ alive, this may be the worst c______k___ possible news we could have gotten.
BULLWER-FLYTTON: Yes sir. (COHEN-YATZKIS and ROSARIO-HELMING meekly look at monitors and try to look occupied).
PEREZ: Christ on a m______u____g crutch, I”m not sure how the _u__ we’re going to __ck___ going to recover from this s___ sandwich we’ve _____n_ dealt ourselves. F___ me to tears.
SILBERMAN: Pardon me, your excellency, but are you talking about Jones’ victory over Roy Moore in Alabama last night?
PEREZ: F__ to the f___ yes, I m____________ am.
SILBERMAN: But the Democrat, peace be upon him, won. The GOP majority in the Senate is cut by a seat. Trump was dealt a setback.
PEREZ: F___ m_____f_____g c__________ Trump up the a__ with Debby Wasserman-Shultz’s d___. Moore f____ losing this c_________ election boned us up the m__________ c_________ d___ l____g G__l-S___t banging p_____le.
PEREZ: Because with that l__p-d_____ c________ Roy m__________ Moore out of the m___________ way, we’ve got no f____ f______ f_______ f_____ Republicans to bang Republicans over their m_________ heads with.
SILBERMAN: (Nods, her mood suddenly darkening in comprehension).
COHEN-YATZKIS: . We could always just make some crap up about another Republican.
PEREZ: That’s right, genius. Of m________ course we’ll f______ have to make some s___ up about some other t______ c________ w________ Republican. Get on it!
ROSARIO-HELMING, BULLWER-FLYTTON and COHEN-YATZKIS snap back to work. .
PEREZ: Jesus H m________ Christ. What a cliuster____.
SILBERMAN (sotto voce into her microphone): Perez is excited by the opportunities yesterday’s election offers…