SCENE: Mitch BERG is at work in his home office. His phone rings.
POLLSTER: Hello. I’m Kandi, a pollster working on a combined study commissioned by Harvard University, Northeastern University, the Trace and the Guardian, four organizations dedicated to disarming Americans by any means, fair or foul. If you have a few moments to spare, I’d like to ask you some questions about gun ownership.
BERG: Go ahead.
POLLSTER: How many guns do you own?
BERG: How many guns am I going to admit I own to an anonymyous rep for four organizations that are dedicated to ensuring that Americans are disarmed, docile sheep,?
POLLSTER: That’s correct!
BERG: None! Guns are scary!
POLLSTER: So that’s no guns, then?
BERG: As far as you know.
POLLSTER: Wow. It’s amazing how the number of gun owners is dropping, according to our Fact-Based Research ®.
BERG: It is, isn’t it? Absolutely astounding.
SURVEY: We’re also finding three percent of American adults own 50% of the guns!
BERG: Huh. I’m also gonna guess 3% of American adults own 50% of the iPhone 7s, and roughly .000001 of all Americans own 90% of all newspapers.
SURVEY: No comment!
SURVEY: Now, if you did buy a gun, why would you buy one? Are you a hunter, a target shooter, or would you buy a gun due to fear?
BERG: If I did have a gun, which I don’t, as I already told you, it’d be for self-defense.
POLLSTER: OK. “Fear”.
BERG: No, self-defense. A prudent response to the vicissitudes of human nature.
POLLSTER: Right. Fear.
BERG: Nope. A rational, prudent assessment of and response to life’s actual risks, based on data, ability and experience.
POLLSTER: Right. We call that “fear”. It’s just a category.
BERG: Naturally. Hey, someone’s calling…
POLLSTER: I didn’t hear a click…
(But BERG has already hung up the phone).