SCENE:  The Saint Paul City Council chambers.  Present are:

• Mayor Chris COLEMAN
• Ward 1 councilor Bernadette SANDERS
• Ward 2 councilor Benny TOMUSOLLINI
• Ward 3 councilor Francine BURNS
• Ward 4 councilor Evita P. EVITA
• Ward 5 councilor Hugh GOCHAVEZ
• Ward 6 councilor L. A. PDOG
• Ward 7 councilor Katherine ANTSY

COLEMAN gavels the meeting to order.

COLEMAN:  May the meeting come to order.

BURNS: (loudly clears her throat)

COLEMAN:  Sorry.  May the meeting please come to order, by your indulgent leave?

(BURNS, EVITA and ANTSY nod a satisfied nod)

COLEMAN:  Well, I’m sure we know why we’re all here in special session…

SANDERS:  To honor the brave, dedicated men and women of this city’s public employee unions!

COLEMAN:  Well, no…we’re here to…

(But it’s too late.  The councilors leap to their feet and sing a rousing verse of the Internationale, as COLEMAN slowly rises and sings halfheartedly along.   At the end of the song, the councilors wave at the seats – which are unoccupied)

COLEMAN:  OK.  With that out of the way, we’ve up to the subject, and only agenda item, of tonight’s meeting; trying to do something to improve the city’s business climate.

TOMUSOLLINI:  Perhaps we need to build a wall around the city, and charge businesses for trying to leave.  (The proposal draws a sharp round of enthusastic applause from most of the council).  

BURNS:  But that might give the opinion that we’re a gated community.

PDOG:  Ewwwwww.

EVITA: I think we need to raise the minimum wage to $16 dollars an hour!

GOCHAVEZ:  Why more than Minneapolis’s $16 proposal?

EVITA:  Because if we pay more, then more workers come to Saint Paul, which means more jobs here!

SANDERS:   I like it!  (Another sharp little round of applause)

TOMUSOLLINI:  Excellent!

COLEMAN:  Um, OK…

ANTSY:  These ideas all have merit… (The lights dim as ANTSY speaks; she is backlit with an eerie red glow).   But I think we need to go one step further.

COLEMAN:  Er…what do you have in mind?

ANTSY:  We need to mandate (there is a clash of dramatic chords in the background) mandatory paid leave for employees.

(Fireworks explode behind ANTSY, as the rest of the councilors applaud wildly)

(The lights come back up)

COLEMAN:  Er, yeah – look, I hate the one percent as much as the next hard-line DFL mayor, and I do want to eat the rich.  (the rest of the council briefly waves their hands in the air, as if in supplication of some sort).  But how is this going to increase business and bring jobs to Saint Paul?

ANTSY:  It’s really simple, Chrissy.  People can’t create jobs if they’re sick, or stressed out.

COLEMAN:  Employees don’t actually create the j… (ANTSY and EVITA stare daggers at him) …right.  But this is going to be a huge financial burden on small businesses in Saint Paul.

EVITA:  Look – you go out and tell those cigar-chomping fatcats at… (flips open Saint Paul business tax register) Xiong Family Daycare that we allow them the privilege of doing business in our city, and in return they have to provide benefits for the workers that create the actual jobs.

GOCHAVEZ:  And of course, we’ll have to hire lots of city employees to supervise compliance!

TOMUSOLLINI:  Oh, yeah!

BURNS:  And everyone of them will be SEIU members!

EVITA:  Um, AFSCME…

GOCHAVEZ: MAPE!

ANTSY:  (the lights dim, and the red backlight appears again)  We’ll work that out.

PDOG:  We’ll work that out!  (The lights come back up)

ANTSY:  So we’re agreed.  More regulations for a Better Saint Paul!

ALL:  More regulations for a Better Saint Paul!

(All rise, and sing together)

(And SCENE)

(Note:  Some names were changed, largely because the names don’t really matter.  Seriously.  Name the members of the Congress of Supreme Soviets in 1970.  Don’t need to know, because it doesn’t matter?  There you go).