To:  Jon and Kate Gosselin, tiresome fake celebrities

From: Mitch Berg, blissfully above it all.

Re: The Lowered Bar

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Gosselin,

I’ve never watched Jon And Kate Plus Eight, because I think you are a couple of whores – or worse, pimps, whoring out your children to the pathetic, toothless johns that are our celebrity-stricken, illiterate, slackjawed, drooling media.  I think that the relentless publicity you seek is going to leave you with eight Dana Platos and Todd Bridges(es) one of these days.  I think you have only begun to see a reckoning for your invincible stupidity.

But after the events of this past week, and the whole “balloon boy” media frenzy teed up by a couple of your fellow idiot celebrity-wannabe parents…:

The parents, Richard and Mayumi Heene, met with Larimer County investigators for much of Saturday afternoon amid lingering questions about whether he perpetrated a publicity stunt when his 6-year-old son Falcon vanished into the rafters of his garage while the world thought he was zooming through the sky in a flying saucer-like helium balloon.But Sheriff Jim Alderden didn’t say who would be charged or what the charges would be. His deputies later showed up at the Heene’s Fort Collins home with a search warrant and at least three of them began a search. Sgt. Ian Stewart declined so say what they were after.

Alderden on Saturday didn’t call Thursday’s hours-long drama a hoax, but he expressed disappointment that he couldn’t level more serious charges in the incident, which sent police and the military scrambling to save young Falcon Heene as millions of worried television viewers watched.

…I’ll tell you for the record that you two are no longer the single most stupid, tiresome excuse for a “story” to obsess our media.

No, all is not forgiven, per se; I’m just saying that as much as I despise the two of you, there is at least one couple on this planet I wish were eaten by mice (after being tied in a sack with every single media figure that’s given your pathetic, exploitive saga breathless coverage) even more.