Rules For The Paleo Man
By Mitch Berg
Last week, the NYTimes published a piece by a Brian Lombardi, “27 Rules for the Modern Castratus” – retitled “27 Rules for the Modern Man” at publication time. In it, he spelled out a list of “rules” for what passes for a “modern man” among NYTimes readers and staff – a few that were pure common sense, and a bunch more that seemed to devolve from some combination of “feminization” and “slavery to marketing”.
And while the criticism of the piece was immediate and usually hi-freaking-larious, I figured it was high time we codified the rules for those of us who consider modernity to be a cancer when it comes to matters of eternal principle.
And so I present “Rules for the Paleo Man”
- The Paleo man does a good job, whatever his job is. He also knows it’s his responsibility alone to know what “good job” means, and how to do it.
- A Paleo man presents himself to the world exactly as he needs to to be appreciated as what he is; whether a CEO, a plumber, a soldier or a radiology technician, he says what he needs to say, does what he needs to do, wears what he needs to wear to convey the impression that he does a good job. Fashions and trends and brand names are irrelevant; being seen as a good investment of others’ time and stewards of others’ investment, property, well-being or safety is.
- The Paleo man respects himself. He treats himself accordingly in his personal habits.
- Because the Paleo man respects himself, he respects others, and acts accordingly. It also means he keeps the opinions of others in proper perspective; they’re feedback, not guideposts.
- The Paleo man respects women in general, and his significant other in particular.
- The Paleo man has integrity; he practices what he preaches, and he only preaches what he needs to.
- The Paleo man takes care of his kids, whatever it takes.
- The Paleo man protects himself, his loved ones, his neighbors and his property; whether childproofing his living room or becoming proficient with a shotgun – and teaching them how to do the same – he learns, and does, what needs to be done.
- The Paleo man has the tools he needs to do all of the above; whether that tool is a socket set, a book on “Diaper Changing for Dummies”, a melon baller, a new Java Virtual Machine, a shotgun or an Armani, he knows, obtains and takes care of the tools he needs to earn a living, care for and protect his family. Brands and fashions and trends don’t matter to him; effectiveness does.
- A Paleo man doesn’t need a list of rules to tell him any of this.
- A Paleo man doesn’t tell others how to live their lives. And he quietly dismisses others who try to tell him how to live his.
- A Paleo man only goes into a club with a DJ if it’s a very promising date. Otherwise, it’s either a live band, or a jukebox.
October 5th, 2015 at 6:05 am
New tattoo idea, “Paleo Life” in script (or maybe cave painting) across the stomach.
October 5th, 2015 at 8:11 am
“Modern Castratus” doesn’t seem right. It’s “Castrato”, isn’t it Emery?
October 5th, 2015 at 8:24 am
Otherwise, it’s either a live band, or a jukebox.
Yep. Especially a good jukebox.
October 5th, 2015 at 8:25 am
The modern castratus paleos in comparison.
October 5th, 2015 at 8:52 am
If the Paleo man ever kills you, you will be awake, facing him, and armed.
October 5th, 2015 at 9:30 am
Life isn’t easy for the millenial paleo man (I believe I’m the only one here who qualifies as a millenial?). Especially dealing with shit like this. Thanks 3rd save feminism…
http://www.returnofkings.com/53991/manspreading-shows-the-social-retardation-of-young-women
October 5th, 2015 at 9:31 am
3Rd wave feminism. Goddamn it
October 5th, 2015 at 9:32 am
I hear the neos are pretty war like (but never leave the cave).
October 5th, 2015 at 10:14 am
Apparently the sarcasm and satire of the original article was lost on you.
Why paleo? Do you believe that the stone age, and the people who lived in it, were somehow preferable to the present? (Careful, glorifying past golden ages is one of the signs of creeping fascism — and no, I don’t think you are a fascist. Just a caution.)
There is nothing about any of the rules you’ve listed which have a damn thing to do with anything paleo, dear Mitch (written with genuine fondness). This us vs. them meme you continue to push is bogus.
But I suppose it beats dealing with the failure of conservatism and especially gun culture reflected in the recent mass shooting in Oregon by a 2A loving conservative gun fanatic, aided by his equally right wing extremist mom.
October 5th, 2015 at 10:17 am
Btw – coming from a liberal woman this might not matter, but you have always in the decades now I’ve known you been a perfect gentleman.
I rather wistfully wish you had instead addressed this as better rules for the modern man, in that context.
October 5th, 2015 at 10:26 am
DG,
Thanks!
One need neither miss nor note the original’s sarcasm to notice how many males on the left follow the rules anyway…
October 5th, 2015 at 11:02 am
The fact that she longs for something other than “This us vs. them meme you continue to push” and then identifies herself as a “Liberal Woman” makes me wonder if that word sarcasm does not mean what she things it means.
October 5th, 2015 at 12:17 pm
If you seek to impose magazine capacity limits but decline to lock up the mentally ill, then you’re not upset about crazy people killing children, you’re only upset with the pace. Odd.
October 5th, 2015 at 3:08 pm
(Careful, glorifying past golden ages is one of the signs of creeping fascism — and no, I don’t think you are a fascist. Just a caution.)
One of the signs of a totalitarian commie is belief in social progress, that a utopian future lies ahead of us and it can be achieved by an act of will.
The characterization of fascism as a political philosophy that looks backwards to an atavistic past is basically useless. How many Left hippies look back to the 1960s as a golden age? What the definition does (and it originated with political scientists) is differentiate national socialism with international socialism. By its nature, a socialist system based on a nation must look backward to a past shared by all of the nation’s social classes.
Mussolini started out as an internationalist labor organizer. He switched to fascism (he basically invented it) because he found that the common people would accept the idea that all Italians were their brothers, but would reject the idea that all laborers were their brothers.
October 5th, 2015 at 6:43 pm
How many Left hippies look back to the 1960s as a golden age?
How many in the Twin Cities media audibly pine for the days when the MNGOP and the MNDFL were basically the same party?
October 5th, 2015 at 9:38 pm
Ahh! The Golden Age! Wendy Anderson and Al Quie going up North, fishing together in a boat they borrowed from Hubert Humphrey. Sitting around the campfire, frying up some walleye while Al bounced little Ted Mondale on his knee. Those were the days!