Moola For Mowers
By Mitch Berg
I was cutting my grass over the weekend when I was approached by a late-fiftysomething couple bearing clipboards and carrying a briefcase. She was prematurely gray, ponytailed, wearing a faded “Don’t Park The Bus” t-shirt and a peasant skirt. Come to think of it, so was he.
The following conversation happened:
WOMAN (Prematurely gray, ponytailed, wearing a faded “Don’t Park The Bus” t-shirt and a peasant skirt): “Excuse me, sir…”
MITCH: Yes?
WOMAN: Have you heard about the government’s “Moola for Mowers” program?
MITCH: Er…no?
MAN: We offer…
WOMAN: SHUT UP! (Man shinks). We offer people $5,000 to get rid of their energy-inefficient lawn mowers.
MITCH: Er – Five thousand dollars? For lawn mowers? Like this one?
MAN: Exactly like…
WOMAN: SHUT UP! (Man cowers as if he expects to be struck) Yes, sir. Exactly like that one.
MITCH: Um…OK? So what do I do?
(MAN pulls ball-peen hammer from briefcase).
WOMAN: We give you $5,000 in cash, and Bhill here will destroy it.
MITCH: But I got this mower at a rummage sale for like $30…
MAN: Not a…
WOMAN: SHUT UP AND STOP UPSTAGING ME! (Man falls mute, looking like a dog that’s been beaten too much) Sir, that’s really not the issue here. We need to get this mower off the street. Would you like $5,000, or not?
MITCH: Sure!
(WOMAN peels off fifty $100 bills. MITCH takes them, stuffs them into wallet).
WOMAN: Yes! The program is a success! Bhill?
MAN (trudges to mower, like he spends half his time just covering up, and beats it weakly about the cylinder head)
MITCH: So…you getting a lot of takers?
WOMAN: Oh, yes! Everyone we’ve talked to has taken the $5,000 for their mower! Indeed, one man told his neighbors, and the all brought out mowers and snowblowers! It’s the most successful government program ever!
MITCH: I’d imagine…
MAN: (Smacks the head until the spark plug breaks off).
WOMAN: Yaaaaaay! Total success! Complete proof that Obama has brought hope and change!
MITCH: Why? Because I got $5,000 in taxpayer money for a $30 mower?
WOMAN (happily): Yes!
MITCH: And because all my neighbors got the same for mowers that maybe ran $50-200?
WOMAN (ecstatic): Yes!
MITCH: But whomever is funding this “program” just got ripped off to the tune of about 99.4% of their “investment”, which…
WOMAN (nonplussed): But…a gas-guzzling mower is off the street!
MITCH: Right – for 100 times what it could have cost!
WOMAN: (Silent for a moment): Why do you hate children?
MAN (glares at woman demonically)
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
should have made you turn it in for a manual mower. Then you would hire some disadvantaged youth (your kids) to mow the lawn for you.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:01 am
[…] Cross-posted as Shot In The Dark […]
August 4th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Beating a lawn mower with a ball peen hammer is almost the dictionary definition of “Wellstone Action.”
August 4th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Or, the ultimate in recycling. Sheep, or even better if you have a lot of weeds as well, GOATS! They can even take care of some of the garbage that you might not otherwise get around to recycling, reducing landfill. And they self-fertilize your lawn as they keep it short! When they get up to or past their prime, you can eat them. Now THAT is recycling.
Although, if you are into disposing of dead bodies, swine are the best, at least according to those who write murder mysteries….couldn’t help but think of them as well, knowing how much Mitch likes bacon, LOL.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Way to take one for the green team Mitch. I’m sure the old Lawnboy was burning up 5-10 gallon of gas a year.
August 4th, 2009 at 9:33 am
I actually own a push mower. But my lawn is kinda big, so 3-4 times a year I rent a mulching mower from the hardware store ($10 a pop) for passes every few weeks during prime growing season (which is pretty much over now). I use maybe a quart of gas a year. I think I could burn 5-10 gallons if I hooked the mower up to a PTO attached to a generator to supply my house…
August 4th, 2009 at 9:35 am
like he spends half his time just covering up
Pwned in the USA! Pwned in the USA!
August 4th, 2009 at 10:36 am
It’s not “prematurely gray,” it’s “postmaturely ponytailed.” 🙂
August 4th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I actually own a push mower
Dude, you are seriously lacking in the cylinder index.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Way to stimulate the economy, Mitch. Let’s go whole hog on this:
Offer $500 for any old cap gun if you trade it in on a new Browning Citori over-under.
$20,000 for any kite if you buy a new Cessna.
$30,000 for a Lincoln log if you buy a foreclosed house.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Mitch,
You couldn’t grow a ponytail, could you?
August 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Nate, the examples you use of no-value things being exchanged for high value items isn’t quite correct, despite the Administration’s “clunker” misnomer. The program is more like I trade a rambler in the suburbs to the government for a condo in a high-density urban area…and the government the burns down the rambler.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
The program is more like I trade a rambler in the suburbs to the government for a condo in a high-density urban area…and the government the burns down the rambler.
Don’t give them any ideas, NW — Richfield would be reduced to rubble in a matter of days.
August 4th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Junkers for Clunkers
My recent correspondence with Senator Klobuchar:
Please consider expanding the program to include what I call Junkers-for-Clunkers. Allow people to bring in their old cars (junkers), and swap them for any car received by a dealer (clunkers), for no cost, as long as the junker gets the same or worse gas mileage as the clunker.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I trade a rambler in the suburbs to the government for a condo in a high-density urban area…and the government the burns down the rambler
PLEASE!! Do not give these moonbats any more bright ideas.
BTW, they are going to bulldoze a large section of Flint, MI and “return it to a natural state”, so they’re already almost there.
August 4th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Sorry, my bad. Forget I ever said anything about a “Riches for Ramblers” program.
Carp, there I go again.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Richfield would be reduced to rubble in a matter of days.
Would anyone miss it?
August 4th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Would anyone miss it?
I suppose the 35,000 people who live there might. Could be wrong about that, though.
August 4th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Certainly the city council would miss it… and those beggars who pretend to be homeless.
August 5th, 2009 at 8:27 am
Night Writer – you’re right, that’s a better analogy, but you’re late to the party with the idea. The City of St. Paul figured out that scheme a year ago. Mitch wrote about it here:
http://www.shotinthedark.info/wp/?m=200807