Future History

Joe Doakes from Como Park has apparently caught the same “history, past and future” bug that has infected the rest of the shot in the dark staff:

In the spirit of 1984, I’m considering writing a novel about the horrible future that could come to pass if just a couple of things go wrong . . . .
November 2014 Republicans retake the Senate, Jeff Sessions (R-Ala) elected Speaker Pro Tem in recognition of anti-immigrant stance

December 2014 Barack Obama struck in head by stray golf ball at Martha’s Vineyard, dies instantly. Elderly White man on nearby fairway cut down by fusillade of Secret Service bullets. Simultaneously, Joe Biden on peacemaking trip to Middle East, plane explodes in mid-air, shot down by missile stolen by Al Qaeda from Benghazi Consulate. Jeff Sessions sworn in as President.

January 2015 President Sessions issues Executive Order closing the border and redeploys troops from Iraq to Texas for “national security.” Order includes provision confirming President Obama’s practice of unilaterally designating as “terrorist” anyone the President feels is, might be, or may be associated with, terrorists.

Jesse Ventura goes on Oprah to claim deaths were CIA assassination conspiracy in retaliation for abandoning foreign service officers to die at Benghazi. President Sessions orders drone strike on the studio, issues press release regretting loss of innocent civilian lives but noting those who shelter terrorists share the penalty.

February 2014 Federal judge issues restraining order to stop troops from shooting border crossers on sight. Judge indicted by US Attorney for conspiracy to commit theft of government property, arrested, held without bail in secret location. Prosecutor explains that ordering troops not to shoot border crossers allows illegal immigrants to enter the country and obtain government benefits in violation of law, which makes judge co-conspirators to commit theft. Cites Rick Perry prosecution as precedent.

To be continued . . .

7 thoughts on “Future History

  1. Sorry, Kel, I edited out the bit where Boehner as Weeper of the House was passed over as palpably unfit to lead. It seems he wouldn’t stop blubbering about how it was all so sad and tragic and a shame until Chief Justice Roberts said “Enough is enough, too much is plenty, who’s next?” and Sessions stepped up to be sworn in. Interesting bit of future historical trivia but not dramatic enough to keep the story moving. One of the drawbacks of writing alternative future history: got to hook the reader and keep ’em interested.

  2. At least it wouldn’t be Robert KKK Byrd like it would have been up until 2011…

  3. Mr. Doakes, if I understand your transcription of the once and future transition, Mr. Boehner is prostrate with grief at the loss of Dear Leader to the point that he is incapacitated and subsequently unable to serve – sounds right to me – that or perhaps 3rd degree burns after falling asleep drunk in the tanning booth

  4. Kel, there are conflicting accounts. You know how it is – history is written by the victors and brown-nosing future historians always want to make The New Boss look good, the better to get their fellowship applications approved. The tanning booth story has been deemed anecdotal and apocryphal by the consensus of future historians, so it’s now Settled Science and anyone who asserts that story is a Denier. You aren’t a Denier, are you?

  5. Mr. Doakes,

    It was, history records, Senator Sessions aide, Amanda Bayliefin DCoS for Internecine Affairs, who coaxed Speaker Boehner into having a mint julep with her before they touched up their tans in the booth.

    Without denying anything, it is curious that in the spring of 2015 a still heavily bandaged Speaker Boehner proposed the Safe Tanning Facilities Universalization Act which passed the house by voice vote and then passed the senate with only one dissenting vote (the Hon Senator from Nevada). President Sessions cheerfully signed the STFU Act into law April 30 2015.

    While Amanda Beyliefin disappeared into the mists of history the tragedy of The Hideous Speaker does provoke questions, does it not?

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