The following minutes were taken at a secret meeting of McDonalds’ Corporation’s corporate Strategic Marketing department.

All names are redacted to protect the innocent.

ATTENDING: [MARKETEER 1], [MARKETEER 2], [VP STRATEGIC MARKETING], [ADVERTISING DEPT 1], [VP SPECIAL ADVERTISING], [AD AGENCY REP 1], [AD AGENCY REP 2], [THE ANIMATED HEAD OF RAY KROC]

[VP STRATEGIC MARKETING]: OK, come to order! Let’s get this meeting underway. [VP SPECIAL ADVERTISING], I’d like to to turn it over to you to talk about “Project Berfunkle”

[VP SPECIAL ADVERTISING]: Thanks, thank you. As you know, as part of McDonalds’ long-term plan to win even more market share, we’ve decided as part of our long-term strategic marketing initiative that, perhaps counterintuitively, “winning mindshare” isn’t as important as helping our competition lose mindshare. Our campaign has been proceeding anon. And so I’ve brought in my assistant, [ADVERTISING REP 1], who has brought in a couple of the agency vendors involved in what may be our most successful “anti-mindshare” campaign yet. [ADVERTISING REP 1]?

[ADVERTISING DEPT 1]: Thanks. As you know, conventional advertising – the whole “draw people to your brand” – peaked out as a “means of getting people to try your brand” nearly twenty years ago. After years of intense market research, we found that launching spoofs – what used to be called “black parodies” – of our competition’s advertising is actually much more effective.

[MARKETEER 2]: Is that actually ethical?

[ADVERTISING DEPT 1]: Was bombing Dresden ethical?

[MARKETEER 2]: Hm.  Good point.  Continue.

[ADVERTISING DEPT 1]:  Thanks.  So, approximately three years ago, we started Project Berfunkle – an initiative to launch black parody advertising “on behalf of” our competition, Burger King and Wendy’s. We combined this with our innocuous, “message”-free “I’m Lovin’ It” campaign.

[MARKETEER 2]: I figured there had to be an ulterior motive for that campaign.

[VP SPECIAL ADVERTISING]: You’re right! At any rate, I’m happy to say that this strategy has come to fruition. I’ve brought in [AD AGENCY REP 1], from [COMPANY 1 REDACTED], and [AD AGENCY REP 2], from [COMPANY 2 REDACTED]. Go ahead.

[AD AGENCY REP 1]: About three years ago, our company launched a subproject of “Berfunkle”, called “Burger Knave”. We started running ads “for” Burger King, featuring “The King” as a grotesque, plastic-headed clown that appears as if from a nightmare in all sorts of surrealistic situations.

[MARKETEER 1]: We paid for those? Good G_d, those were awful!

[ADVERTISING DEPT 1]: That, of course, was the point. And it was hugely successful across nearly all demographics! Young children were frightened by the gargoyle-like, frozen-faced apparition. Middle-class adults were turned off by the forced, post-hip irony. Parents were repulsed by the implied obscenity of the “Big Huckin’ Chicken” spots…

[MARKETEER 2]: Oh, maaaaan. I had to listen to those spots like five times to make sure there wasn’t an “f”-bomb in there!

[AD AGENCY REP 1]: Precisely. In the end, every demographic except recent college liberal arts grads ended up less likely to go to Burger King – and even among that demographic, only the left-leaning ones who really, really love kitschy irony ended up actually eating there…

[MARKETEER 1]: Er, is that a good idea…?

[ADVERTISING DEPT 1]: Yes! They’re more likely to steal the food than pay for it!

[MARKETEER 2]: Ingenious!

[VP SPECIAL ADVERTISING]: Thanks, [AD AGENCY REP 1]. Now, I’d like to turn to [AD AGENCY REP 2].

[AD AGENCY REP 2]: Thank you. We covered the Wendy’s business. We got a later start, because we didn’t want to draw suspicions. Our ad campaign involves a series of incongruous archetypes, wearing the Wendy’s brand’s signature “Pippi Longstocking” wig. Market research since the campaign began running shows that over 60% of respondents thought “Wendy’s” was now a place to go to hear lesbian coffee-house poetry, or a French avant-garde art film outlet, rather than a burger joint.

[VP STRATEGIC MARKETING]: Wow.

[MARKETEER 2]: I call that “success”!

[AD AGENCY REP 2]: Thank you. Phase Two will involve images of cattle wearing the “Wendy” wig being pushed down the gates to the slaughterhouse as “Yakkity Sax” – the “Benny Hill” theme – plays on a bullhorn in the background, driven to their doom by a gaggle of “My Little Ponies”.

[VP STRATEGIC MARKETING]: Wow. Excellent!

[MARKETEER 1]: I’m speechless. Brilliant.
[VP STRATEGIC MARKETING]: So what is the next phase of Project Berfunkle?

[VP SPECIAL ADVERTISING]: In February ’08, we start the “Culvers’ Custard presents Linda Ellerbee speaking for 9/11 Truth” blitz. And in August, we roll out the White Castle “”Jughead” campaign, featuring a loveable, dope smoking NASCAR-watching androgynous 20-something high school dropout who rides a skateboard and leers at young girls as he wishes for a slider.

[ADVERTISING DEPT 1]: Excellent!

[VP SPECIAL ADVERTISING]: Well, Mr. Kroc, sir?

[THE ANIMATED HEAD OF RAY KROC]: I pronounce it good. Burgers on the house!

[ALL]: Yaaay!

And…scene.

This entry was posted by by Mitch Berg on Thursday, December 27th, 2007 at 6:36 am and is filed under Geekery, Money. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.