SCENE: At the headquarters of Jared ® Jewelry. Patricia LOPEZ, the receptionist, is sitting at the front desk answering phone calls.
Phone rings.
LOPEZ: Hello, Jared, the Galleria of Jewelry®…
VOICE on phone: Hello, this is Sol Gallivan, the Guardian of Empiricism. What does your slogan “It can only be Jared” mean?
LOPEZ: Hello again, Mr. Gallivan. It means the same thing it did yesterday. It’s an ad slogan.
GALLIVAN: But it implies that all meaning comes from Jared ®. How do you substantiate that claim?
LOPEZ: I don’t. Can I help you?
GALLIVAN: Yes. Explain how you figure all meaning comes from Jared ®?
LOPEZ: I really can’t, sir. It’s just a slogan. Thanks for your call.
GALLIVAN: But I…
(Phone hangs up).
(LOPEZ continues typing an email).
(Phone rings)
LOPEZ: Good Morning, Jared, the Galleria of Jewelry®…
GALLIVAN: Hello, this is Sol Gallivan, the Guardian of Empiricism.
LOPEZ: Hello again, Mr. Gallivan.
GALLIVAN: Could you please explain what you mean when your company says “it can only be Jared®? Because it implies that there is some order to the universe, some eternal questions that are answered by your store.
LOPEZ: Yes, Mr. Gallivan.
GALLIVAN: Can you please tell me what those questions and answers are?
LOPEZ: No, Mr. Gallivan.
GALLIVAN: Because I’d like any empirical evidence that you have that your store actually imposes order on the universe.
LOPEZ: We’ll get back to you on that, sir.
GALLIVAN: When exac…
(LOPEZ hangs up the phone).
(Jared LIGHT, CEO of Jared ®, walks in).
LIGHT: Hey, Patty. What’s new?
LOPEZ: Same as always. That Gallivan guy is yapping about our ad slogan.
LIGHT: (Yawns deeply). OK. Well, could you send one of the interns out for coffee…
(Phone rings. LOPEZ holds up hand for a moment of quiet).
LOPEZ: Jared, the Galleria of Jewelry®…
VOICE (on phone): Yeah, this is Jeff Buckstein, security director for Jared’s ® Maplewood, MN store…
LOPEZ: Hey, Jeff.
BUCKSTEIN: Hey Patty. I just had security haul off that Gallivan guy. He was standing outside the store, yelling at people who were walking in.
LOPEZ: What was he doing this time?
BUCKSTEIN: Yelling at people coming in the store that “there is no scientific evidence that It could, indeed, only be Jared ®”.
LOPEZ: Criminy.
BUCKSTEIN: Please pass the word, OK?
LOPEZ: Will do. Thanks, Jeff. (Hangs up).
LIGHT: Gallivan again?
LOPEZ: Yep.
LIGHT: Maplewood again?
LOPEZ: Yep.
LIGHT: It’s gonna be one of those days.
LOPEZ: Yep.
(Phone rings)
LOPEZ: Jared, the Galleria of Jewelry®…
GALLIVAN: Hello, I’m Sol Gallivan, the Guardian of Empiricism. I’d really like to know what you mean when you say “It can only be Jared…”
LOPEZ: It’s still just a slogan, Mr. Gallivan….
GALLIVAN: I’m just wondering how you can sleep at night telling people untruths like…
(LIGHT motions to LOPEZ to give him the phone as GALLIVAN chatters away in the background).
GALLIVAN: …preying on the gullible and weak-minded…
LIGHT: Mister Gallivan? This is Jared Light, CEO of Jared Jared, the Galleria of Jewelry®.
GALLIVAN: Mister Light, I’d like to ask you…
LIGHT: No, Mr. Gallivan, I’d like to ask you; if Jared Jared, the Galleria of Jewelry® is not what it can only be, what else can it be?
GALLIVAN: …
…
LIGHT: Mister Gallivan?
(GALLIVAN hangs up the phone).
LOPEZ: Thanks, Mr. Light.
LIGHT: No problem.
Any word on whether Sol has Tom Shane on the speed dial?
I wonder if he’s challenged Geico on the fact, FACT that geckos can’t actually talk.
Empirically the Earth is flat and the sun goes ’round the Earth.
This is not an endorsement of empirical thinking.
This was so brilliant, I was laughing out loud. We all know people much like Sol Gallivan. You know, the inane questions disguised as intellectual superiority. The unrelenting ability to take a hint. The writing (I mean speaking) like a f***ing 17th Century thespian. Thanks for this. Long overdue.