Mitch Berg is arriving for his press conference. He takes his place behind the podium. The press bustle forward to get the best spots in front of the podium.
Berg waves his hands, and the press gradually quiet down.
BERG: OK, for starters; everyone knows Tom Emmer has won the election, and that his inauguration is inevitable. And so, while the election did fall within the statutory limit requiring a recount of the vote, as required by Minnesota State Law, I urge the DFL and the Dayton campaign not to interfere with the obvious inevitability of Emmer’s victory by pursuing the process that is legally mandated and out of their control anyway.
Furthermore, when the inevitable happens at the end of this mandatory process that the DFL should not pursue anyway, I urge Mark Dayton and the DFL from restraining their lawyers from filing stupid lawsuits, regardless of whatever grounds they say they may have, for a Better Minnesota.
We especially urge the Dayton campaign to refrain from filing lawsuits over so-called “irregularities” or “fraud” in the process. Everybody knows we have the best electoral system in the world, so it’s a moot point.
And when all those lawsuits are dismissed, I implore the DFL not to sic throngs of SEIU goons on Republican recount watchers, offices and the homes of GOP activists in revenge for their inevitable loss.
I will now take questions.
ERIK BLACK: Er, Mitch? Why are you calling Emmer’s victory “inevitable”?
BERG: Because it is, and has always been. Next?
RACHEL STASSEN-BERGER: Er, has there been any indication whatsoever from the Dayton campaign that they plan on filing frivolous lawsuits simply to pointlessly extend the recount process and delay the transfer of power?
BERG: You just report what I say, OK? Next question.
TOM SCHECK: Er, this bit about “not raising objections over irregularities” – that is their legal right as part of this process…
BERG: Right, but it will only detract from the inevitability of Emmer’s victory. It’s stupid, and just between the two of us, it’s a sign that they hate children. Next?
TIM PUGMIRE: This reference to SEIU goons – where does that come from?
BERG: Look, I’m not saying that they will sic goons or lawyers on anyone. Not at all. You have the context all wrong. I’m just saying that when they inevitably lose the recount and Governor Emmer is inevitably inaugurated – as every sensible person who doesn’t secretly yearn for child porn can say will happen, once this pointless yet legally-mandated recount is over – it’d be very bad for a party to sic hordes of union goons on those they disagree with.
MARTY OWINGS: But Mitch – nobody’s talking about siccing goons on anyone.
BERG: I’m just asking questions.
PAT KESSLER: That wasn’t a question. That was a statement. You told the DFL to refrain from siccing goons on people if they lose the recount.
BERG: Well, that’s just common sense. You want a good state, and you believe in democracy? Ixnay on the goons!
BILL SALISBURY: So to sum it up, you’re asking the DFL and Dayton to refrain from doing things they never said they were going to do in the first place, and decline to do things that are obligations that are out of their hands according to Minnesota law.
BERG: Yep. That, and not kill people for revenge when Tom Emmer’s inevitable inauguration takes place. Thanks!
Berg leaves the stage, as Brian Melendez silently takes notes in the back of the room.