Give Him Fewer Three-and-Outs, Or Give Him Death
By Mitch Berg
Over at Nihilist In Golf Pants, the Cynical Viking Fan has had enough:
When in the Course of a football season it becomes necessary for one fan to dissolve the fanatical bands which have connected him with an NFL team, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that he should declare the causes which impel him to the separation.
I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all teams are created equal, that they are endowed by the NFL with the same salary cap. That to enjoy Sunday afternoon, I turn on the TV and cheer my favorite of these NFL teams. That when my team sucketh so bad as to be destructive to these ends, it is the Right of the Fan to alter or abolish his allegiance to it, and to institute a new favorite among the NFL teams, so long as that team is not the Green Bay Packers. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world…I therefore, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, do, in the name and by Authority of the good Fans of the NFL, solemnly publish and declare, That this Fan is, and of Right ought to be Free of and independent, that I am Absolved of all Allegiance to the Minnesota Vikings, and that all fandom connection between myself and the Vikings, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and independent fan of the NFL I have the full Power to root for any non-Packer NFL team of my choosing. – And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I pledge my Life, Fortune, and sacred Honor. Cynical Vikings Guy
Fair-weather fans are smart fans.
October 23rd, 2007 at 7:58 am
This is the first sign of a winning streak!
Flash
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:01 am
“Fair-weather fans are smart fans. ”
Is that your way of signalling you’re about to jump on the Hillary bandwagon?
October 23rd, 2007 at 8:56 am
“Is that your way of signalling you’re about to jump on the Hillary bandwagon?”
Something something……Chinese minimum wage dishwashers….something something.
October 23rd, 2007 at 9:04 am
Waiting for Peev to chime in with some completely off-tangent remark that burns up more digital bits than World of Warcraft in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:04 am
Mitch, weren’t you the one who recently back-slapped yourself for your loyalty to the Bears?
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:08 am
This is the first sign of a winning streak!
Hah!
Actually, when Tom Barnard says they’ll go 1-15, THEN they’ll catch fayah.
Is that your way of signalling you’re about to jump on the Hillary bandwagon?
No, it means I’ve finally given up on Jack Kemp.
Waiting for Peev to chime
Something about “deception”, I think.
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:11 am
Mitch, weren’t you the one who recently back-slapped yourself for your loyalty to the Bears?
Yep. A loyalty that remains utterly intact, as it did during the Bobby Douglass years as during the Jim McMahon years.
Everything that needs to be said about the subject, I said in this piece four years ago.
So I’ll save you the time, Peev. The fact that I endorse fair-weather fandom while remaining a Bears, Twinks, Cubs, Bison, Jimmies and Blue Jays fan through thick, thin and nonexistant either makes me human, or a HYPOCRITE.
Which one? Doesn’t matter much to me.
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:08 am
Your loyalty is unusual, Mitch. Republicans are usually front-runners – Yankee fans, typically. Something about their slavish devotion to authority and hatred of the weak.
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:12 am
Republicans are usually front-runners – Yankee fans, typically.
Yeah, because stu knows NYC is crawling with Republidans.
Something about their slavish devotion to authority
I’m gonna save this in case Frau Klinton gets elected.
and hatred of the weak.
And yet we share a nation with Blue Staters anyway.
We ARE good people, aren’t we?
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:18 am
Republicans are Yankee fans?! Now we KNOW the clown has absolutely no connection with reality.
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:44 am
“…and hatred of the weak”
I bet that keeps you cringing in your little assclown car at night doesn’t it?
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:47 am
Maybe not. It’s an easy mistake to make, though. Yankee fans are evil and obnoxious, wingnuts are evil and obnoxious.
October 23rd, 2007 at 11:48 am
Kid fail out of Northwestern yet, Swiffer?
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Giuliani, people!
Rudy fcking Giuliani!
If he can’t be our President, then by God I want him as the next Dolphins coach.
He’s witnessed enough Giants games to be a football expert too.
/jc
October 23rd, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Yeah AC, it’s too bad that Republicans can’t compete with true blue Dem fans. We all know how much Hillary loves the Yankees (she even has a cap!) and John Kerry enjoys watching the Packers at Lambert Field.
October 23rd, 2007 at 1:31 pm
We know which team Bush likes best. The one his daddy gave him for an extra special present.
October 23rd, 2007 at 2:12 pm
I want him as the next Dolphins coach.
I always used to think this was a euphemism for some sort of autoerotic practice.
October 23rd, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Chad.. Mitch, and others.
First, Hilary is a DINO, her embrace for Big Pharma and others, knows few bounds.
Second, Yankee fans are exceeded in obnoxiousness only by Colorado Fans, Broncos, Buffs, don’t matter… so AC, I really think you need to regauge the sentiment, Denver to COLOCO Springs, heartbeat of self-flatulating, self-interested obnoxious land – well.. next to maybe Cub fans from the Northeast suburbs of Chicago.
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:42 pm
“Northeast suburbs of Chicago”
Wow! I grew up outside of Chicago in the northern suburbs and I never know knew there was a big houseboat contingent of Cubs fans on Lake Michigan…
October 23rd, 2007 at 3:53 pm
“heartbeat of self-flatulating, self-interested obnoxious land”
Self-flatulating? Is there any other way to flatulate? If so, how come I’ve not been informed of this non-self-flatulating alternative?
October 23rd, 2007 at 4:13 pm
peev is referring to the USS Chicago (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Chicago_(SSN-721)), which explains his comment.
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Er, yeah, Peev. That’s an interesting question. No, not the self-flatuation (I’m feeling a little self-flatulated…)
But what exactly ARE those “northeast ‘burbs” of Chicago?
I used to work with a ton of Chicago guys – Don Vogel et al – who used to get at kick out of that old Paper Lace song that referred to the East Side of Chicago. Ain’t no such critter, said they.
???
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:50 pm
….John Kerry enjoys watching the Packers at Lambert Field.
And his favorite player on his hometown Red Sox is Manny Ortez.
October 24th, 2007 at 8:04 am
The east side of Chicago
Is the wettest part of town
October 24th, 2007 at 9:25 am
“Cub fans from the Northeast suburbs of Chicago.”
I’m a Twins fan from the corner of Lyndale and Cedar.
October 24th, 2007 at 10:44 am
See, Giuliani has even mastered the art of compromise. According to the AP, he’s rooting for the Red Sox to win the series:
http://tinyurl.com/3y8zf4
Who said Yankee fans were obnoxious?
/jc
October 24th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
OMG – do you all ever actually focus on things that matter? Ever make a mistake typing, ever type something on a blog where the vast majority of the readership neither actually reads what you write (because it disagrees with their already deeply held and immovable position OR because when they might, they don’t want to admit to any possibility of a reality other than the one they embrace) and so, you don’t take much time to worry about proof-reading, because, truly, what’s the point?
There’s a special place in hell reserved for those people who take pride in gloating over the mistakes of others, and another for those who consider themselves bright for focusing on difference of little (or no) distinction.
Frankly, conflating NE and NW isn’t even hard, and often, isn’t something you’d notice on a reread. Tell you what Mitch, you want to take the time to actually have a discussion, I’ll take the time to proof-read more carefully. I’m sure that my conduct (proof-reading) is of far more worth to your blog than you actually trying to have a civil debate, but I still think you should try it.
For clarification (for the overly pendantic crowd) The NW suburbs of Chicago – Arlington Heights, Deerborne, Mt. Prospect – are among the most conservative cities in the nation – and they are tried and true Cubbie heartland. Cubs fans are the most narccicistic fans going (WAY worse than Packer or Bronco fans)- they watch the game by turning their backs to the field and seeing who sees them. Most wouldn’t know the difference between Kerry Wood or Kerry Lightenberg – go ahead check that for spelling too.
and Mitch – I think you’re both self-aggrandizing, and self-flatulating – I don’t often misuse words, but yes, I did here.. gosh, sorry. Next time, I’ll go look it in one of the 17 online dictionaries I’ve learned to ‘get around on.’ or.. maybe not.
Compared to wilful distortion, I certainly do think that mistakes in typing are a FAR more eggregious problem. But hey, smoke and mirrors discussion of a topic of some importance is certainly far less a sin than typing Northeast when you meant Northwest. Yep. and you know what I’m even less surprised by than Mitch’s responses, the fact that so many of the Lilliputians climbed on board too..
When any of you get the guts to actually discuss a point, rather than simply throw out insults.. then, and only then, feel free to congratulate yourself.
October 24th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Tell you what Mitch, you want to take the time to actually have a discussion, I’ll take the time to proof-read more carefully
Excellence is its own reward.
I don’t often misuse words
With all due respect, you are the Yogi Berra of this comment section.
October 24th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Very, very funny angryclown!
*applauds*
October 24th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Nah Mitch, hardly Yogi, he was unique. I make the odd mistake.. no doubt, but then again, I don’t EVER pretend not to, and I admit to specifics, not just back-handed generalities I blame on others.
And I’m not exactly shocked that you’d duck a real debate, you’ve done so repeatedly in the past, e.g. you asked me to define why the Department of Education was constitutionally permissible, I did, you didn’t reply.. no big surprise, but there you go.
Conversely, what I’m not, is Ann Coulter of the Minneapolis Blogosphere.
October 24th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Never chalk up to fear what can be ascribed to ennui.