Found Comedy II: I Share A City With These Cretins
By Mitch Berg
On the same discussion about the GOP Convention discussed below, someone piped up (I add emphasis):
I’m glad to see thorough attention being paid to this issue, too. My
greatest fear is, especially since public funding for law-enforcement is
still looking for a father, that the Republicans will bring their own
police force and call it “privatization”. I think it’s a legitimate
concern that the GOP will deputize one of their private armies, like
Blackwater, Inc., and we’ll have vans with tinted windows carting off
protest leaders for extraordinary rendition to South Dakota. Someone
convince me I’m just paranoid.
I’m not sure anyone can.
August 17th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Here’s the nonparanoid version; see if you can talk me out of it.
With the convention coming to the Twin Cities in a year, there’s no question that there will be additional security issues, beyond what’s usual. That’s why there will be various stakeholders in the security collective — the Secret Service will think in terms of protection for their principals; the homeland security agencies will have both joint and several agendas, largely around preventing terrorism; SPPD will still have to do regular policing, as well take some institutional role in providing convention security; ditto for the State Patrol; Fletcher’s RamseyCo Sheriffs Office will have both professional involvement and the need to get Fletcher in front of every camera and microphone available, looking sheriffy; MPD SWAT will be, at least, on call to kick appropriate (one would hope) doors; etc. etc. etc. — all with different agendas, each with different training, all (well, except for Fletcher) attempting to, in good faith, coordinate their efforts in the interest of providing security for the convention, and the citizenry, while acting in a way not to interfere with legitimate (non-violent, albeit perhaps quite noisy) protest.
Meanwhile, as you’ve been all over, there are folks who are deliberately blurring the line between threats of protest and threats of violence, and the violent and the threateners-who-are-full-of-it-but-not-violent will not reliably wear distinguishing garb so as to help authorities sort them out from the legitimate. Neither will the terrorists.
None of this is secret. That’s the good news. The bad news is: none of this is secret.
A legitimate reaction for those organizing security is going to be to get more troops on the line — both figuratively and metaphorically. Trouble is, there aren’t, say, 5000 well-trained police officers in frozen sleep somewhere, waiting to be thawed out — there’ll be lots of overtime for locals, lots of contract/parttime work for the retired (see the State Fair), and certainly some contract security.
Now, if you’ve ever hung around the fringes of the contract security world, you’ll be reminded of high school — except with clubs and guns. Some — many — good, professional folks, but some identifiable, less-creditable types: the cop wannabes (some of whom, by the way, are going through POST and will be cops, many of them very good ones, particularly if they’ve spent enough time with a service orientation security group); the thinks-they-ises; the cultists (ask somebody who works for a competitor about Wolf Security, some time); the Blackwater wannabes; etc.
Detention camps in the badlands? Nah. But I can see a dozen ways that things could very easily go very badly wrong, very quickly and dramatically.
August 17th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Joel and Mitch, here’s where I havea HUGE problem with the looney left. There are violent people planning on coming. But the ALCU, the lawyers group, Thune and others are coming with their cameras and their own lawyers to go after the police who are trying to do normal law enforcement and crowd control.
The St Paul police will be very professional, but the looney left has already decided that they will charge the police with brutality and other things.
August 17th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
Angryclown’s seen it up close. You knuckleheads had your last convention in NYC so you could all pose for photos in front of Ground Zero, remember? Here’s what you’ll get: big peaceful protests and lots of cringing, paranoid Republicans. Maybe your town will be smart enough to forego the widespread preventive detention and resulting multi-billion-dollar legal settlement that we had here.
August 17th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
big peaceful protests…
You’re likely to be correct, although the bad guys are certainly talking a big game.
cringing, paranoid Republicans
Nah. We’re the ruling class, remember?
Maybe your town will be smart enough to forego the widespread preventive detention
I’ve volunteered to run a water cannon, just to be safe.
August 17th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Sure Mitch. I guess you don’t remember how Tom DeLay (what ever happened to that guy?) tried to charter a cruise ship so the Republicans could hide out in New York harbor, safe from all those marauding Democrats. He gave up the idea only when it became a complete PR disaster.
August 17th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
AC, didn’t your side get a hold of a list where all the delegates were staying (names and locations) and release it, encouraging violence against Republican-Americans?
And someone already wrote an article for the UofM paper, saying that protestors should go after the delegates here at the hotels, as security won’t be as tight there.
August 17th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Not to mention the threat from Saddam’s WMDs, eh Chuck? Cowboy up, ya big pansy.
August 17th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Hate to agree with the clown, but we are the ones with the guns after all.
The dims remind me of dogs that chase cars, what would they do with them if they caught them?
August 17th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Its gonna be so hot next August…we need to help the nutjobs remain hydrated…particularly the frothing-at-the-mouth types (see:bitchieclown). So I have a plan:
2 Republicans
1 pickup truck
1,000 water balloons.
Any questions?
August 17th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
Chuck fears not. I haven’t been in a good fight since high school. If I have to clown-slap some lefty, I wonder if I will get called into the Principals office? Ahhh, memories.
The water balloons are nice. But a little tip. Looks like the AFL-CIO will be there in force. From my days of drinking beer with union boys in Duluth, I can tell you that they can be nasty when they want. Especially if they are in a town with a good protection racket (like Duluth). Have a fast truck if you mess with these thugs. And that’s mostly the women.
August 17th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
Not to worry, my man Rudy’s coming and he built his chops day in and day out, toiling away at Ground Zero. With a training regimen like that, he can plow through the unwashed masses.
Plus he can bring Bernie Kerik with him to knock heads.
/jc
August 17th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
You are correct, Chuck. I need a fast truck…and one that won’t crap-out on me.
I’ll be using a foreign-made truck.
August 17th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
We were planning on bringing in a couple hundred Pinkertons to crush the protesters like we used to in the union bustin’ days of yore. Now that cat’s out of the bag. Dangit.
“If only we’d listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.”
— Monty Burns, “Last Exit to Springfield”
August 17th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Hey, since when did South Dakota become equivalent to some gulag?
Everyone knows that if you were going to build a prison camp somewhere, it would be *North* Dakota…
August 17th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
You’re right, Redding. The Red River always did remind me of a moat. Usually, it was filled with refuse, an oil slick, beer bottles…sorta the Devil’s Island of the Great North.
August 17th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
Reding and I will mine the bridges. Unfortunately, we’re too late to stop some of the slime from slithering across the Red River to Minneso…wait…where does Mitch hail from again?
August 17th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
I think we should issue high-pressure seltzer bottles to attendees. Nothing says “Hi, how ya doin?” like a little seltzer down the pants.
August 17th, 2007 at 2:49 pm
That is an arms race you are bound to lose, Kerm.
August 17th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Is that a seltzer bottle in your pants or are you…….oh wait, that is a seltzer bottle in your pants.
Hey, I’ve vacationed in Minot North Dakota in late January. The outside air is very germ free that time of year. Didn’t see any secret Republican re-education camps though. Maybe they are in Williston.
Mitch, I see a contest next year. Find the most paranoid lefty.
August 17th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
This just in, from the home office in Milwaukee:
Amy Klo continues her quest to be known as Dingy Harry Reid’s lap poodle. In the 48 Senate votes held in July, AKlo voted 44 times with Reid. Well done, Amy. You sure are that independent voice for Minnesotans. And congrats the Nevada…you have an extra senator representing you!
August 17th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
That is an arms race you are bound to lose, Kerm.
Nah, AC, we’ll just hire all your contemporaries and have them spray seltzer water on any tinfoil hat wearers within reach.
August 17th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
“A little song, a little dance, a little mocking liberal rants”.
August 17th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
You’ll have to hire illegal immigrants, RuPaul. The Clown’s union is AFL-CIO.
August 17th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
You’re absolutely right, AC: the AFL-CIO is a bunch of clowns.
August 18th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
In 2001 if anyone Minneapolitan would’ve said “now we can expect to see the first US declaration of preventive war, the fabrication/exaggeration/incompetence to sell that war, the imprisonment of US citizens for 3+ years w/o charges, the public rejection of the Geneva
Convention, highest level definition of what is not torture of our captives, the promotion of the governors hispanic Alfred E Newmann to cheif law enforcemant officer of the USA and his failure to remember anything he did 5 months ago..” or any single one of these incredible events, then
Mitch would have called them Cretins. But look up the definition, then ask yourself: Which is more like the behavior of Cretins – predicting more of the same (even if formerly believed impossible) or denying the import and significance of what was formerly unthinkable – because it fits your emotionally-driven idelogy?
Better yet – read the first Onion satire they printed after Bush was elected -he proved them wrong – turned out it was not satire.
(Anklebiters: Take a breath, read the defintion, then display your shallowness – or try a little harder – wait til the Guiness is metabolized).
August 19th, 2007 at 6:42 am
That’s September 10 thinking, coldeye. How can you expect the Constitution to apply anymore? (Except the 2nd Amendment, of course). Especially living so close to the IDS Center – the *42nd tallest* building in the U.S.! And don’t forget the danger of Saddam’s nukes taking out St. Paul!
Right wingnuts?
August 19th, 2007 at 9:04 am
Angryclown remarked “That’s September 10 thinking, coldeye.”
So tell me, that superb hindsight you employ, is it sourced out of your ass?
August 19th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Pay no attention them, Kermit. They’re just involved in their “fake, but accurate” fantasizing.
August 19th, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Hey AC, aren’t you supposed to be in the UK?
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=paHeathrow_Sat1830______Airport_demo_ud&show_article=1&catnum=0
August 20th, 2007 at 7:08 am
Isn’t it time to re-duct-tape your broom closet, Kerm? Don’t forget to put a nice chair in there. Might as well cower in comfort!
August 21st, 2007 at 11:04 am
How can you expect the Constitution to apply anymore?
What parts of the Constitution don’t apply?
I mean, other than campus speech codes and the Fairness Doctrine?