Note To New Yorkers
By Mitch Berg
We don’t care how you make your f*$&%^g pizza:
That’s the basic message from Mrs. Ciminieri at Totonno’s, who was finally persuaded to taste a Domino’s slice in the name of research.
“In Utah, they’re going to love it because they use ketchup and American cheese on their pizzas,” she said. “It tastes like any other pizza you get at the corner slice joint. They used the same tomatoes, the same processed cheese, the same preservatives.”
The worst pizza I had in my life was in…well, actually it was London. And then Paris. And then Amsterdam (which holds the record for the worst hamburger). But New York was in my bottom ten (as well as top three).
But Chicago still makes better pizza.
Sorry, N’yawk.
November 25th, 2006 at 11:33 pm
Mitch, I don’t know how the Amsterdam burger could possibly be worse than the one I had in London 37 years ago. We stopped in at a little restaurant near the British Museum that advertised “Genuine Yankee Hamburgers!” on its windows and walls. The warning bells went off when we discovered that the proprietor and staff were all from India, but they insisted that we would be delighted. Having suffered through several attempts at eating what Wimpy’s claimed were hamburgers, we decided to risk it. We looked around and saw other folks wolfing down enormous burgers that had great eye appeal. We bit into ours and discovered that the patty was merely a thin shell of meat covering a dough ball full of curry. Unless you can come up with a more disgusting description of the Dutch burger, I’ll still think that I have the honors for being served the worst burger. We tried leaving the restaurant without paying, but the proprietor called the cops and we paid before they arrived.
November 26th, 2006 at 8:26 am
Amsterdam burger: Alpo with mayonnaise. Tasted like phlegm. Gristly phlegm.
However, yours sounds like it woulda been a nasty surprise. Unless you were expecting a curry burger; they’d probably sell for $12 in the Warehouse District.
November 27th, 2006 at 2:50 pm
Mitch, I would agree that the Dutch burger sounds terrible (although the dog is doing backflips and drooling after I read her your description). Sometimes the disgust for a food comes after a delay. On that same trip to Europe, my mother and uncle bought a vividly pink sausage for our picnic lunches, and we all loved it. Then we visited some Danish friends north of Copenhagen, and when we brought out the last of our picnic fixings for the lunch table, the hostess said that she was delighted to see that we liked HORSEMEAT sausage too. We bought no more of it. Three years earlier, Mom and I got on the train in Ephrata, Washington with a bag of sandwiches made with moose rump roast, right out of the oven. The smell drove our fellow passengers wild, and Mom broke up a few sandwiches for samples. Everyone who tasted them raved about it being the best beef they had ever eaten. Then Mom told them it was moose, and expressions of disgust were heard. One young woman didn’t completely make it to the restroom before she vomited.