Back in 1960, after the Washingon Senators’ franchise collapsed in the wake of the water-polo-loving Kennedy Administration’s accession to power, the franchise, desperate for a homeland, moved to Minnesota and became the Twins.

Starved for major-league Baseball – which the state had not seen since the fans of the Minneapolis Millers and Saint Paul Saints had been cast forth years earlier – fans flocked to the new team.

But not everyone was happy.

The area had been home to many Milwaukee Brewers (and before that Braves) fans, and even fans of the Chicago Cubs and even the Cleveland Indians.  And they  – especially the Milwaukee franchise – were irate at losing their fan base in the area.

So team owner Bud Zelig told the Brewers fans in Minnesota to flee to Wisconsin, where they would live in Motel Sixes and wait for Wisconsin baseball to return to Minnesota.

The Twins’ management – owner Carl Pohlad, of course, and general manager David Ben Green – told the Brewers’ fans that there was plenty of room in Minnesota for fans of all teams, and while the Twins would love to have them as fans, really, they were free to coexist peacefully with Twins fans in Minnesota.   And it seemed ever-so-briefly that Ben Green’s initiative would work; some moderate Brewers fans suggested maybe it would be possible for the teams to co-exist side by side.  Some even suggested that maybe they should leave the Motel Sixes in Hudson and Prescott, and return to Minnesota – or even just bite the bullet and settle in Wisconsin.

Zelig would have nothing to do with it; to him and his inner coterie, the only acceptable solution was for the Brewers to dominate baseball in Minnesota.  The refugees were of no value to him in Minnesota, and even less in Wisconsin.  So Zelig sent thugs (led by “Brewers In Minnesota Forever” president Chuck Arrowfad, a Brewers zealot and former Richfield, MN linoleum salesman, to track down and pants the “moderate” Brewers fans.  

The rest of them fell into line, spending much of the next fifty years sallying forth from their Motel Sixes to come to Twins games and cause mischief.  They’d throw big cafeteria-size mustard jars from the top deck to the field, to stain the Metrodome’ s astroturf.  When the ‘dome’s security measures got ahead of that, they switched to peeing all over the men’s rooms; the Twins responded by stationing attendants armed with mace in the restrooms.  Next, they started spraypainting “I EM FATT” on Kirby Puckett posters – until Pucket retired. 

Finally, in 2000, the Twins’ director of fan services, Ed Braak, made the Brewers’ fans a controversial offer; if they’d cut the mischief, they’d get their own section in the stands; much of the left-field second deck, and two whole sections on the lower level off the right field line, near the home plate that everyone wanted to see.  It was controversial – “why should we loyal Twins fans give up seats for these louts” asked Ben Nathanson of “Twins Fans United”, a key Twins fan group.

But the Twins were desperate for a resolution to the crisis; they’d spent tens of thousands of dollars cleaning urine and mustard stains over the years.  So they went ahead with it the plan.

And on opening day, 2001, the Brewers fans filed into their special sections – and, as the opening pitch wound up, hundreds of the fans turned, dropped trou and launched a flatulent  “brown cloud” in the direction of the field; the Dome erupted in Chaos.

The Twins’ Fan Investigation Division found links between the disgraceful episode and representatives from the Brewers, Cubs and the Kansas City Royals, and even an emissary from Major League Baseball itself; the stunt had been organized on one of the first, crude “social networking” websites, “Interleague Fart Alliance” – often shortened in conversation to “Interfarta”.  Braak was fired…

…but for the past ten years, that’s been the status quo at the ‘dome and now the new Target Field.  Even with Braak’s departure (and the eventual hiring of Nathanson to replace him in the Fan Relations office), the Brewers fans retained the rights to their sections, where to this day they launch mustard bottles to the field and pee all over the rest room floors; Arrowfad sits in his place of honor and roots for any team the Twins are playing against.

“I have to!”, Arrowfad said in a 2007 interview.  “It’s in our bylaws; our mission is to send the Twins back to DC, or put them out of business”.

Asked what he thought that meant for Twins fans, Arrowfad responded “they should go back to Washington, where they came from!”

“There are no good guys in this story”, opined Rick Richardson, noted baseball blogger from “The Progressive Diamond Watch”. 

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard”, said Nathanson.  “We’ve spent fifty years trying to cater to these people, trying to meet them halfway and even further.  Sure, I’m sorry, we’re not the Brewers, but we have a right to do business and play ball, too!”

Recent public opinion polls show that the Twins enjoy the support of over 95% of respondents.  “Look, the Twins have bent over backwards to accomodate those Brewers fans, consistent with staying in business at all”, said Towanda Murphy, a poll respondent.  “What kind of idiot would ignore that simple historical fact?”

[Mitch adds:  “Seems like common sense to me!”]

This entry was posted by by Mitch Berg on Wednesday, June 9th, 2010 at 1:01 pm and is filed under The Rare Sports Post, World. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.