Social Engineering
By Mitch Berg
For a variety of reasons, I was not able to bike to work the other day. I took the bus.
Now, my bus route, which basically gives me door to door service, isn’t by any means the dodgiest route in town. But every once in a while, let’s just say I wish parking were cheaper.
I was sitting on the bus. One other person was on the bus, sitting probably six rows behind me. The bus has a capacity of about 40, if every seat is full. I was sitting across the seat – because at 6’5, sitting fore-and-aft leaves my knees jammed against the seat in front of me.
A woman – sixtysomething, gray hair, with that frantic manner and the thousand-yard glare of the emotionally-challenged, got on the bus and clumped down the aisle.
And sat down next to me, as I scrambled to pull my knees out of the way.
“Some people are so rude”, she said, loudly enough for the whole bus to hear, not that they cared, as I wedged my knees into place. She bustled herself into place, muttering, again, about how rude I was.
I turned toward the window, and coughed a long, dry, hacking cough that sounded like it threatened to bring up breakfast. And then another. And then another.
She stopped muttering.
I dialed a number on my cell phone (my home number), and started conversing with the voicemail; “Hey. Yeah, I’m on the bus. Oh, I think my fever might get down to 101, but I gotta work. Yeah, I’m short already this week.”
The lady was listening.
” Oh, I was up puking all night. Coulda swore I saw blood…”
She moved.
May 26th, 2010 at 9:02 am
BWAHAHAHAAH!!!!! Nicely played, sir!
May 26th, 2010 at 9:15 am
You’re my hero, Mitch.
May 26th, 2010 at 9:27 am
Sounds like she might make a good teabagger entry in some GOP primary or other, though. Do you know if she believes she’s the Messiah?
May 26th, 2010 at 9:51 am
Think I saw this gal on the 4 bus a few times back in the day.
Sounds like she might make a good teabagger entry in some GOP primary or other, though. Do you know if she believes she’s the Messiah?
Not sure, but I heard she was wearing a Mets cap.
May 26th, 2010 at 10:20 am
I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!
May 26th, 2010 at 10:25 am
See, I thought this was going to be a post on courtesy, as in “I gave up my seat for a gal.” But this is Minnesota, not the south, where such courtesy is expected.
My ex, a Minnesota gal, told me stories about riding the bus in Atlanta and Memphis. Positively scary-looking punk-rocker types would scramble to get up, point to their seat and say, “Here you go, ma’am.”
May 26th, 2010 at 10:28 am
Well, let me be clear: there were literally 37 empty seats on the bus. I was sitting across two because, hey, a woman was getting on the bus and I figured she’d take one of them.
No, she plumped down on the seat without a word, and I had to swivel to get my knees out of the way, or get sat on. And then she scolded me about it.
It was, by the way, not only not an especially desirable seat – not near the front, not near the door – but there was one exactly like it across the aisle3 that was completely empty.
I am Joe Manners. I give up my seat to women, especially older women – not that it’s called for on my low-traffic (q.e.d) route all that much.
May 26th, 2010 at 10:31 am
Odd how I mention an shambling crazy lady, and Clown chimes in with references to teabagging.
Hmm.
May 26th, 2010 at 10:48 am
No way she could be wearing a Mets cap, Mr. D. Old ladies would make their starting rotation, and no way you’d see her in St. Paul.
I’ll admit, in the defense of AC’s dream girl, that I’ve parked my car right next to guys who take up two spaces with their car in otherwise empty parking lots.
May 26th, 2010 at 10:58 am
Odd how I mention an shambling crazy lady, and Clown chimes in with references to teabagging.
He likely was just confused and thought he was responding to one of his e-Harmony matches.
May 26th, 2010 at 11:21 am
Good evasive maneuver. I’ve heard stories of seniors like her: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFiN7Zsz2zM&feature=related
May 26th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
My first thought was oh, dear god your poor knees…..
but my second thought was that the possible reason granny grumps sat down right next to you, was that she rode the bus more regularly than you do, and that was perhaps her usual seat?
It also struck me as an interesting insight into your character that you would prefer to go through your improv act, rather than simply get up and move to another seat where you could again spread out, without the unwelcome company.
Thanks for the chuckle! I can imagine your usual theatricality coming into full play.
May 26th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Seats on city buses are reserved now? Sounds like it’s not only AC’s dream girl that needs to get a clue, DG.
May 26th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
“but my second thought was that the possible reason granny grumps sat down right next to you, was that she rode the bus more regularly than you do, and that was perhaps her usual seat?”
12:01 pm…Victory gin and kool-aid time in the scary smart, reality based community.
May 26th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
bubbasan, I didn’t write her ‘reserved seat’, I wrote her ‘usual seat’, reflecting a possible habit, not some special privilege.
Or do you disagree that regular riders on bus routes might have seating habits? Do you have some other reasonable explanation for this person sitting where she did?
Mitch’s response, while fun, was more elaborate than the alternative of simply standing up, excusing himself as he moved past her, and availing himself of one of the other seats, with or without the explanation that he preferred to spread out more. Of course, Mitch’s version makes a better story.
May 26th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Gordon, I’ve never known Mitch to be discourteous; courtesy is not unique to the south.
May 26th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
“usual seat”
Most people who are not gravely mentally ill would, upon seeing a 6’6 250+ pound guy sitting in his or her “usual seat” on a half-empty bus, find another seat to sit in.
May 26th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
And let’s be clear – the bus was 95% empty.
May 26th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
Mitch = chick magnet. Easily understandable why she would want to sit with you.
; )
May 26th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
Loopdi – yes, I tend to draw the cute ones.
May 26th, 2010 at 4:59 pm
Much, much better than my own evil way to get through an uncooperative crowd: “‘Scuse me; think I’m going to throw up; ‘scuse me; feeling sick; ‘scuse me . . . ”
Typically, though, they part like the Red Sea.
May 26th, 2010 at 6:13 pm
Bozo- “Do you know if she believes she’s the Messiah”? Come on Boz, you know the only one who thinks they’re the Messiah is Obama.
May 26th, 2010 at 10:04 pm
[…] Shot in the Dark » Blog Archive » Social Engineering Quote:" […]
May 27th, 2010 at 8:31 am
DogGone, exactly how is Mitch supposed to know that a particular seat is one’s customary seat, and exactly why is it apparently appropriate in your mind for someone to harangue someone for not acting on what they could not know?
Again, bus seats are not reserved for the reason that they are inherently shared accomodations–one big reason I avoid riding them (cue Weird Al “Another One Rides the Bus”). To act as if a particular place is “mine” is inherently rude.
May 27th, 2010 at 10:58 am
And let’s be clear – the bus was 95% empty
It does not matter how many times Mitch will have to repeat this statement, entitlement crowd will refuse to read/comprehend/acknowledge reality.
May 27th, 2010 at 11:20 am
Let me be clear – I’m fairly sure DG was saying that the woman thought it was “her seat” in her own mind.
And it’s entirely possible. I tried to be a little subtle about it, but I believe the woman had some form of mental illness.
May 27th, 2010 at 12:45 pm
Also, it sounds as though she had pinned Mitch into the seat, so he was between her and the aisle. So HE’S supposed to squeeze past this woman to move for HER convenience? And I think his theatrics were just perfect, given the fact she said loudly to mostly empty bus how rude he was.
For sitting in a seat.
And being there before she got on the bus.
And apparently ripping down the “Reserved for Crazy Curmudgeons” sign before doing so.
Oh, did Mitch mention the bus was 95% empty?
I thought I’d read that somewhere, maybe I was wrong.